A
male
age
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*ildman
writes:How do you get your wife to forget the past when it comes to strip clubs / porn? Even if you cut way back she still keeps bringing it up and using that for a excuse to not have sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): I'm sorry, but the way I see it, is that you want your cake...and eat it to. Do you honestly unconditionally(sp?)love your wife, in every way...from the top her head, to the tips of her toes...inside & out? Do you tell her? Do you compliment her? Do you tell her how much she means to you. Most women want to know that their men can be trusted. They want to not only know, but hear that they're loved. If you've answered yes to all, or most of what I've asked, then why in the hell are you going to strip clubs? Is it because your wife doesn't measure up to these girls beauty? That your ashamed of her. Your wife is DEEPLY HURT & BROKEN HEARTED.
How do you expect your wife to forget the past, when you're still living it? If you honestly want to save your marriage, then you must give up going to strip clubs 100%.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2008): what a fool you are....do you really think you can have a wife and still have strip clubs and porn???without her leaving you?Honestly , this porr woman has probably had your babies and een through all the changes that come with that....then you have the audav=ciy to send her the message that the pre baby body of a porn star is what you find attractive (because lets face it, there aint no real looking wife and mommy types in the strip clubs and porn) This woman will leave you and find a man who appreciates a REAL woman....not some barey legal girl without the body of a real woman....one who has lived a little.....and it sounds like you know it
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2008): Well, whether you like it or not, every person who has answered IS right and so is your wife. You have a serious addiction that is in desperate need of fixing. Your wife doesn't want to have sex because she does not respect you. You have hurt her very deeply and lowered her self-esteem and you don't even seem to care about it! Have you ever once even told your wife that you're sorry? I bet you haven't, and if you have then you obviously didn't even mean it. Have you any idea how badly you disrespected your wife? I'm sure she has tons of built-up resentment for you; she may not even love you anymore, and I don't blame her one bit. You have been immature and selfish and completely ignorant of your wife's feelings. How dare you complain about lack of sex when you're emotionally abusing your wife?! You deserve divorce. Plus, you can't just expect to "cut back" and have your wife suddenly act like everything is rainbows and sunshine; you need to stop your behaviour COMPLETELY. No more strippers, ever. Period. And you have to be genuinely remorseful and realize your mistakes. That would make your wife respect you again...unless it's too late, which it very well may be. I think you have really done a number on your wife emotionally since she keeps bringing the topic up. That means it's something she's deeply bothered about that won't get off her mind. And you're not even listening when she does try to talk to you about it! How do you think your poor wife feels? Try being a little selfless and put yourself in her position...that will really give you some insight on the problem here. (Hint: the problem isn't her, it's you.) Sorry for being harsh but it's true.
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reader, wildman +, writes (4 March 2008):
wildman is verified as being by the original poster of the question I guess I should not have asked this question, you all sound like my wife. Unfortunately you probably are right, thanks for the ideas and comments.
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female
reader, Dawnie  +, writes (3 March 2008):
 I don't blame your wife for not wanting sex if you keep going to strip clubs. I would go off my husband if he went to a strip club without a doubt and i certainly would have no respect for him. Those places are dives and there is no way i would have our hard earned money wasted on those tarts. You need to look at your problem as you are certainly addicted and if you don't resolve it you may well be on your own.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008): I agree with Tutara. In response to your followup...Wildman...you really do sound like a very unhappy man smack dab in the middle of a mid-life crisis with a... porn addiction! But I will say, that sometimes men in a mid-life crisis (or whatever it is) wants to boast and validate themselves with sexual prowess, causing them to seek new thrills and adventure. To my way of thinking, it's kind of like a denial, an admission that things are not as they were, underscored by a great desire to prove everything is OK, with him. Just stop that. You will lose your family and marriage if you keep this up. Or is that even a concern of yours?
I am strongly sensing here that you appear to think that having sex with someone...anyone....will take care of your empty, feelings of futility that you are feeling in your life, your marriage. How sad. Try to come to terms with your life because so many older guys like you after many years of marriage, can suffer a huge shock which brings him face to face with himself and he doesn’t always ike what he sees. So men who do what you are doing, become sex-obssessed (hence the saying--dirty old men) in trying to feel happier about themselves. You blame your wife for your dissatifaction because she sees your sexual obssessions, your lack of love and committment to her as a big negative and she responds with aloofness and detachment. Can you not try to fix that? MArriage counseling may really help you both. But it's clear you also need some personal counseling because some mid life men, shut out the emotional pain they suffer and mask it through other means. Such as 'acting out' like you do. Already you show the signs of a sexual obsession /addictions and I worry as this may be the start of your own 'slippery slope ' into a sad, very sad pathetic life existence. How does your family (kids, if any) view you? do they respect you? Love you? And your wife? Does she respect you? What's going on with you, Wildman?
Learn to identify and understand your problem, Wildman. Nothing changes the meaning of life more than working out what one’s values truly are. Find out why you don't value your wife, your marriage and resort to other behaviors that are just plain wrong. Why are you aspiring to this type of lifestyle? Perhaps your family doctor can assist you, but you really, really need to get off this nowhere track you are heading on. Your whole life willself-destruct ---you need help with this addiction! Get it today.
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female
reader, hello1 +, writes (3 March 2008):
 Stop going to the strip clubs, if your addicted then get help. If not then just stop, it's hurting her and most women would find this a turn off. Start being romantic towards her, just talk too her, tell her how beautiful she is and how much she means too you. Maybe she be more likely to have sex with you. If you can't do all these simple things then maybe it be best if you were alone, You can watch porn all day then and go to strip clubs all you want!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008): I realise that now - after reading all your other postings that this is an addiction and you have not been totally upfront with what your wife has endured.
No wonder she is having problems. You really need to sort this shit out. You have problems in this area and are, if not already, making some pretty poor choices on how you are handling your own personal self esteem issues. Come on, it is time to grow up and get yourself with this porn/strippers sorted.
You need to go to someone who can help you work out why you have this need. Your involvement with this type of thing from what I have read, is way out there on the addiction scale.
Your just not dealing with this and it is time to sort that out before you start to make critisisums about your wife. Stop, blaming her. Stop it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008): You're complaining about the lack of intimacy, while in the same breath you talk about cutting back on your 'habits'. And you haven't figured out why she doesn't want any sex with you? Your wife has been deeply hurt by your use of this. She's also bitter, angry and has lost incredible respect for you. the man who put his needs, wants and desires, and devalued his vows to her. She knows your weakness for porn and strip clubs have absolutely no place in the middle of her marriage. This is what one's (yours) unthinking behaviors do to a good woman who values herself. Your wife is like millions of women out there..she finds the sex trade disheartening and she has , likely after trying to ask you to stop, has emotionally detached from you,. It appears she has and still is viewing your ''habits' as a display of disrespect for the committment and obligation to her. This is a very sad thing in a lot of marriages when one of the two spouses acts out with behaviors that can and will contribute to the destruction of their marriage. And even more sadder, is he knows exactly what this is doing but comes on websites like this, to complain about the lack of sex he's getting. When one is married, they are always obligated to bring their healthiest and most loving, generous self ...to the other and vice versa. She feels you have not done that.
You need to priorize your wife and respect her. So., are you motivated to make this marriage last? If you are, then tell her 'you will stop all these behaviors' and stick to the plan. Don't waver or she will never trust you again. If you were to make the efforts yourself, she may be impressed at your resilence and creativity to making this marriage work. If this marriage is worth it to you , then prove that to her. Don't say and not do it. Being a liar will make her emotionally detach from you further. I also suggest marriage counseling with emphasis on one's porn addiction...mainly yours. Your wife needs time to heal. You need time to learn how to become a more generous, effective, strong husband.
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reader, wildman +, writes (3 March 2008):
wildman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do still go to strip clubs about once a week only or maybe once every two weeks. But what do you do for sex, I hate to get older and have to waste valuable time now until I get too old to do anything. How can you forget sex or who would want to go that route anyway?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008): Alot of her opinion about strip clubs and porn, will be dependent on her knowledge and her exposure or the experiance she is having through you. Depending on how you are influenced and feel about this, she will interpret from that her opinions.
If your a sleezy, bugeye guy, who's tongue is hitting the floor whilst holding tightly to your $ bill and handing off the edge of a strippers runway, with your dollar bill in your hand and dribble running down your chin - THEN SHE MIGHT FEEL A LITTLE BIT ILL.
If your porn and stripclub interest was minimal and more about an extention of entertainment and nothing obsessive, then she should have less of an issue with it.
In other words, it depends on how much and what your involment was. Whether you have discussed the subject and whether she felt she was threatened or betrayed in anyway.
Women are unconfortable with thoughts of a husbands desire for someone who is considered by many, dirty, sleezy and disgusting. It is hard for many women to understand how strippers and prostitutes can carry on their activities with people they do not know or care about. So when a respectful husband, partner or whatever, finds this type of thing exciting or of interest, the women then starts to think about her own sexuality and desirability.
Your interest in porn and strip clubs has in a way insulted her womenhood. Sounds dramatic, but she will feel a little bit undesirable and unattractive knowing you where into that sort of stuff.
So, you need to reconnect with your wife, need to undo any feelings of insecurity you have created in her, caused by the impact your activities have had. You need to tell her what you see in this area of sexual pleaseure or not, need to let her understand and know what it was you gained from the experiances etc. She may just want to know what it all is in your head which she is not part of.
I don't think there would be too many wives or partners who would not take a look at themselves critically, when hearing or knowing our partners are ogling or having fantasies about another women.
We do have brains, hearts and spirits which can be damaged by others. Maybe you damaged her a bit my friend?
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (3 March 2008):
 Hi
You cant really mate. If she cant forget and brings it up in rows and uses it to not have sex, she probably always will do.
You still go to strip clubs though dont you? So its not strictly past?
C xxxx
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