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*ildman
writes:How do you figure out why your wife of 30 years is always against having sex? She always has an excuse too tired, doesn't feel well, has to go to sleep you know the drill.Is it normal for women at 50 to get this way? I am finding it hard to even keep excited anymore to have sex when we do. I hate to not have sex as an important part of my normal life. What is up? What can really be done to change thing? Nothing seems to work. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): My wife and I have been together for 29 years and have either lived together or have been married for 24 of those. Our sexual life has been up and down, but never really bad. We are both in our early 60s and retired and our sex life is nearly as good as it was during our first few years together. For the past year it is the best that it has been for many years. Here are the things that I have learned:
Stress can really lessen sexual desire, especially in women. If both of you are working and have stressful jobs then you will be tired and stressed and more likely to argue. There were a few years when it was like that for both my wife and me. I would say something hurtful to her and I would forget about it in a few hours. However, she would feel angry and bad for days and shut me off. She didn't do it consciously as punishment. It was just that she had little feeling of love. Unless a woman has a lot of testosterone (a lot for a woman, as they don't make much) then the only thing that will get her going sexually is a feeling of love. No love, no nookie. Medications like anti-depressants and BC pills will lower sex drive. Loss of her ovaries will kill sex drive because ½ of a woman’s testosterone is produced in her ovaries. My wife had most of her ovaries removed in her 20s and it takes some time on my part to get her going. It can be discouraging when your partner rarely initiates sex or has low desire, but 5 or 10 minutes of tender effort can pay off very richly. My wife will become very passionate with a little effort on my part.
Keep things new and exciting. There are lots of ways to do that. Amateur porn is more realistic if you are not against that. There are vibrators, feathers, massage, fur handcuffs, etc. Spencers Gifts has a very soft whip that tickles just a bit when run back and forth on her body. Of course, the most important thing is just the kissing and gentle fondling in bed before hinting at sex. If she starts to get turned on but just doesn’t feel like it, let it go and try the next day. After a while, she might just be ready every night, assuming that she is not exhausted from work. We are in our 60s and have sex 5 to 7 times a week. It was not always like that. Some years it was only 1 or 2 times a month. It varied up and down depending on work and stress levels. By the way, how long has your lack of sex been going on? Is this fairly new, like a year or so, or has it been like this for many years? Also, just do things like kiss her in the middle of the kitchen during a break in the dinner making or things like that.
Coo Coo Kachoo has made some good points. However, from what I have read, it might be difficult to find a doctor who is willing to help or who knows enough about the hormones. Some women on healthboards.com have had success with low level testosterone cream prescribed by their GYN. However, I have read that it must be used with estrogen if the woman is post menopause and long term use of estrogen therapy has its problems. Read some of the posts in the women’s health, women’s sexual health and general sexual health boards on healthboards.com.
To the overweight thing. I don’t know how much overweight she is and my wife has always been thin, so I don’t know how much I can help. After my wife’s first marriage, she felt unattractive and old at the age of 30. It took her a ling time to feel attractive. I have constantly let her know how attractive I think she is. I let her know that she is sexually hot. I show her when another man is looking at her. She knows that I look at younger women (you know, like ones in their 40s and 50s). I tell her that I have to look at younger women because there aren’t any her age who look as good as her. I’m not lying and it makes her feel very sexy and attractive. There are women my age who are somewhat overweight who I see wearing tight tops and jeans and they are very attractive. It helps to tell her how much you like the way she looks. Don’t lie, as she will see through that. Just let her know what you think.
Don’t give up on your sexual life yet. It can change for the better with the right gentleness and loving feelings on your part and perhaps the right hormone therapy. Supplements like L-arginine and some other things can help libido a little, so do some searches on “female libido”. Some things work for some woman and don’t do a thing for others.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): I know how she feels, you love the person that you are with yet you just dont fancy the sex anymore. It isnt you, i can guarantee, so dont fret about that one, it is just the sex. The menopause, does your head in for a start, the sexy machines in our head are sent haywire. I know all about that one!!! If she is overweight then nothing that you can say will make her feel any better about herself, just time and patience, but please dont ever go elsewhere. I have been in the same place as your wife. A loving and understanding bloke and loads of massages, shared baths, sensuous lighting and cuddles and hugs and kisses later, things can be restored, but it all takes time and patience on your part.
take care
xx
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reader, wildman +, writes (29 May 2008):
wildman is verified as being by the original poster of the question she is overweight and feels she is unattractive no matter what I say
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reader, DoubleM +, writes (29 May 2008):
 Well, I've been there and done that, as we say in Texas. Actually, you have my congratulations for reaching 30 years of marriage (apparently) before the boredom of "familiarity" sets in. It seems difficult to maintain a sexual excitement after many years marriage for both genders - because sex is generally something that is exciting as exploration and newness. When a couple has little more to explore or is considered "new" it obviously becomes a challenge, but all those years together should be valued and usually continue into the later years.
Yes, I think that it is "normal" for both a faithful married woman and man reaches a time, or periods of time, when familiarity begins to affect sexual relations. It seems that entire industries have been established to supposedly help with this issue, but almost always as a profit business, such as exotic shops, pornography, romantic getaways and cruises, textured condoms and all that kind of thing.
All that really matters, in my opinion, is that a couple continues to "work" at pleasing each other - even after the excitement of the early days has faded. It may require a bit more exploration of activities such as oral stimulation for some couples, if never previously experimented, but the idea is that "age often requires a more open attitude" and maybe an abandonment of things that were once considered off-limits or taboo. Above all, remember that a woman really needs more romanticism and a lot more "time" to get her engine heated up. Quick sex is no way to interest her. Best wishes for you both.
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reader, Devil Spawn  +, writes (29 May 2008):
 The change of life my friend. I think you should talk to her. They have those funny little pills now that help the women folk with this problem.
You sound like you love your wife, and yes sex is important. Try to talk to her.
Women are strange folk...they like to talk about their problems with us..we just have to ask.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): "How do you figure out why your wife of 30 years is always against having sex?"
You ask her.
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