A
female
age
41-50,
*ily Moll
writes:About a month ago my bf and I broke up. We were very serious and the break up was very bad. I've been an emotional wreck for weeks, and cry literally every night. Recently I called to try to get him back, and he told me he's been going to bars, picking up random girls "to have fun with." Before me, he'd only been with 2 girls (he's 25, so not exactly a kid), and knowing him so well, it really makes me sad to think of him rebounding that way. I've been trying to avoid rebounding, but there is a guy I've been sort of seeing, however the problem is that he LOVES me, or claims to. We were friends before, and I don't want to wreck things with him forever. I know I'd just be with him for the rebound reasons, and I don't want to do that to him. However, I'm really shy and don't drink, so the bars aren't an option. Also, I don't really go out. My ex and I met online and had maintained a long distance relationship for 2 years (which is why it ended-- it was never NOT long distance), and my social life is pretty uh.. limited. I'm not interested in slutting it up, it's not my thing, but I'm pretty much incapable of having feelings for a guy right now. However, I am, like I said, WRECKED over this break-up, and I think maybe I should follow my ex's lead and go into the rebound thing. So.. should I go with my friend who claims to love me, and if not, how do I go about this whole rebound thing? I just need to get that boy "out of my system," so to say. Any other suggestions for forgetting someone forever? Thanks.
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broke up, long distance, met online, my ex, shy Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2009): me n my ex broke up to sum it all up we both cut on senior cut day dis grl said she was fallin in love wit me juss crazy bout me but her parents r over protective she got home late n they went crazy we break up cuz her parents dnt want her wit ppl from dat day she started avoding me n acting like i never meant **** den 1 week she had on her away message sayin she misses me and dat i still have her heart den the next week outta nowhere she hooks up wit a guy and every1 tells me dat its a rebound cuz at 1st she denied it den finally gave up n told me she started showin off her new relationship puttin the date on her away showin it off on myspace and spendin alot of time wit dis new guy but wen i ask her how she get wit some1 so fast n if she juss lost all her feelings 4 me dat fast n she cnt give me a str8 answer she just says IDK n dat she didnt lose feelings juss things aint the same nemore den i asked her so u still have feelings 4 me n she said yea i do but not like boyfriend feelings (some1 tell me w.e dat means) n den she had called me bloked twice i piked up the 2nd time said hello n she hung up wen i see her wit the new guy she always gives me a long stare but not like a mean look sort of like a look that she misses me den wen we talked as friends we laughed together and all dat but wen it came to talk bout me n her she either avoided it or couldnt talk about it she would say um i gotta go den she'll leave she had me bloked on AIM for a long time and the day i ignore her for the whole day the next morning i find out she unbloked me she ask my friends how im doin and wat i been up to... i never hurt her i never cheated on her or nothing i treated her very good so idk wat 2 think lol idk wat she feelin is hard 2 figure her out n at no point has she told me yea i got a man now leave me alone or gave me attitude or nuttin like dat so idk
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (27 January 2008):
 too funny Lily Moll- I too have a txt file on my hard drive of my relationship gone to hell. It started in August and ended today. Mine wasn't a long term relationship like yours but the guy really took me for a loop. I found the list of reasons I should be glad to be out of there was good therapy.
Take Care.
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A
female
reader, Lily Moll +, writes (27 January 2008):
Lily Moll is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks dearkelja. The part about eating good foods warms my heart-- it sounds like something mom would say! My mom has been telling me the same thing about girlfriends. Why don't I listen?? Writing down a list of things I didn't like is a good idea. I've been thinking about starting a "break up journal" to get all this stuff down, and out of my head. In fact, there's a growing collection of text documents where I rant at him on my hard drive, haha.
Kay.Kay: People keep telling me it gets better. My family and friends have been helping me, but after reading the responses here, and deciding what I need to do, last night was the first night I didn't cry. I guess it really does get better.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (27 January 2008):
I don't think having a rebound relationship is a good thing for you right now. Give yourself a good cry and then make a list of all the reasons this break up is a good thing. For sure a long distance relationship is hard and now, your ex is slutting it up. Not a good image if you ask me. Were there other things you didn't like about the relationship that you really wanted to be better?
Give yourself some time. If this guy wants to just go out to eat or see a show you could spend some time with him but make sure to tell him you are NOT available for a relationship at the moment. Then find some good quality girlfriends. Girlfriends are great. You can call them anytime and they always return your calls. You can say dumb things to them and they don't walk away.
Take care of yourself, be sure to eat good foods and listen to plenty of music. Do all the things you love to do. Take care of you.
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A
female
reader, Lily Moll +, writes (27 January 2008):
Lily Moll is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for taking the time to respond. You are right, and this was really helpful, because it's just what I needed to hear. I suspected this was the right answer before I asked, but my head has been so messed up, I can't be certain what's right or wrong in there!
I try to participate in life, but I've always been a loner, and I find it hard to participate FULLY. I know a decent number of people from school and the local art community, but I have a hard time taking that leap from "friendly" to "friends" with people. I see all these openings for socializing, but I just opt out. I keep telling myself that this is my opportunity to reach out and be more social, but I've just been paralyzed. You know.. wallowing in despair and delusions that after my ex "gets it out of his system," he'll realize what he and I had was special, etc. I suppose it's one of those things, that you know what the right thing is to do by how hard it seems in comparison to the other options.
Also, I just read back over this, and realized I sound pretty emo, haha.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008): If you read your own post, I think you know what you need to do for yourself.
You are an emotional wreck
You are incapable of having feelings for a guy right now
It makes you sad that your ex is going to bars and picking
up other women and has the balls to rub it in your face
Your social life is limited
You have been in a 2 year long distance relationship
Your break up was bad and you have begged your ex to come back to you.
You are in a state of desperation, neediness and looking for someone else to be dependent on, to cling to, to rebound with so you don't have to do the work of getting over your break up by yourself.
It sounds to me like you have limited your life due to an unhappy situation of being emotionally tied to an unavailable man whether it be because of distance or something else.
You would be best to build a life for yourself where you are by getting a hobby, some interests, taking a class, going to church, joining in life in some way so that you can form a network of people that you know and can support you....you do not need another boyfriend, at least not now, and if you care about your friend who loves you, then you need to tell him you aren't ready for anything else but friendship and you don't want to take advantage of him or his love in this way.
Date several men, if you can, don't sleep around, just date and that will get you over your ex when you start seeing and believing that there are some nice guys out there in the world who you could have a relationship with right here at home....give yourself time to heal, you owe it to yourself to do this on your own, do the work, and you will be fine.
Also, don't contact your ex, don't accept his calls, don't read his texts or emails...this will only prolong your current misery...and you deserve to move on with your life on your own...you don't NEED a man, you want to want one and have him want you.
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