A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How should one deal with people who you can't trust? I know this one guy that keeps saying things that I later find out aren't true. He comes up with excuses that can easily be seen through, and I know it isn't correct. When confronting him he gets offended.. as I suppose anyone would be, but remains firm in that he is being honest. He says that it's not his fault that what he thinks is true turns out to not be true after all. But the effect is the same whether he intentionally lies or not, I can't trust what he says because all too many times he hasn't looked into things, or he just "thinks" something is a certain way when it isn't, and he doesn't follow-up with correcting what he has previously told me, nor does he apologize for giving false information. I have to find out the truths by myself, which makes me feel lied to as he told me another story. Now, he might not intentionally lie, but still. I can't trust what he says because so often it's turned out to be not true. But how should I deal with it? We stopped talking after the last time I confronted him with this, but I want to know what to do in the future, if there are better ways to handle this other than full confrontation. Or maybe people like this can't be trusted period? I can't go check up everything he says to make sure it is true, but I can't take his word for things either.
View related questions:
period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to add that this girl isn't romantically interested in him, she is my brothers girlfriend.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI talked to another friend of mine today who is also friends with this guy. I told her about how I feel about his "stories" that don't match up. She says I can't really call it lying as he believes these things to be true, and that he doesn't tell stories to hurt anyone... Even though they do hurt. She told me he does it towards her as well. For example she told me that she had been living at the same place for 5 years and every single time he visited her at that place he would call her 30 minutes to an hour after he was supposed to already be there, and excuse himself with being "lost" and that she had to come out and find him.
She would then rush out in the middle of snowstorms or whatnot, walking up and down streets to find him while freezing. She said that she then, not too long ago, had made a joke about how he always gets lost. He had gotten offended because he thinks he has great orientation skills. She then asked him how come he always got lost when trying to find her house (the same house for 5 years) and he said that he had just told her that he was lost as an excuse because he was always running late! So he is an hour late and rather than just owning up to it he tells some fake story about being lost, and doesn't even apologize...
I asked her if she didn't confront him on this, but she said she is too afraid to lose him as her friend to say anything about it, even though it naturally hurt her. He right out told her a story that wasn't true to cover up for him being late to meet her, despite this meaning he dragged her outside to run around looking for him (and it being rude in the first place to not respect their meeting and showing up that late).
I told her that I wont be accepting any more of this behaviour, and why should she when he wont treat her good and he never contacts her, she does all the chasing in the friendship. She said that she knows she isn't important to him, but that he means too much for her to want to lose him... no matter what.
At least I now know it's not just me he acts this way with and tells "stories" to, but I feel so angry with it all, and with him, for doing this not only to me but also to her when she cares so much for him and their friendship. She says she wouldn't accept it from anyone else. I guess I've too accepted way too much of this... but at least I am walking away.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 January 2012):
 I cut them out of my life. I had throughout college a really good friend (or so I thought) when she stabbed me in the back twice (first time I thought she wasn't aware) but second time my eyes were wide open. She still try and be "friendly" 20+ later lol. Ain't going to happen. People like that are a waste of time and energy.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (4 January 2012):
I agree with the others. Best to just let him go. There's no point in having this friendship if all he'll do is lie.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): OP that whole "he believes it's true" thing he says is another lie. Seriously it's a bullshit excuse.
Tisha is right. Just let this friendship die. Friends come and go OP, it's important to keep the ones worth keeping through time and effort and the opposite is true of the worthless people like him. Just don't have any more time for him, don't make any effort and you no longer will have to deal with his constant lies.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 January 2012):
 Thank you for the followup. I think I'd put him extremely low on the list of priorities as well, just to match the treatment you've received.
I would deal with it by not bothering to deal with him any longer. I don't see the point in trying to convince someone of something when they are perfectly content and believe they are in the right. You don't need a dramatic confrontation, just let the friendship die of neglect.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis guy is/was a friend. We fell out recently over something he had said that I again found out wasn't really so, and he just doesn't see it that way. He doesn't think that it's any of his fault that what he says isn't true when he believes it was, even though he could have easily checked to find out it wasn't. I'm getting tired of feeling left out and down prioritized when we agree to something and he "forgets" that we had an agreement, or when he says he can't meet me one day because he is sick and then he goes to meet someone else instead.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): People who are like that cannot be trusted. They will eventualy get you in big trouble by twisting the story to make themself more interesting to others.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 January 2012):
Is this guy a co-worker, a family member, a friend or a romantic interest? If he's the first, document everything in interactions with him, send him confirming emails, be sure you are communicating well with your supervisor.
If he's a friend, I think if you have this level of mistrust and past disappointments, it's probably best just to distance yourself from him and not put yourself in the position of needing to rely on him for anything. I'd skip any confrontations and just allow the contact to dwindle to zero.
If he's a boyfriend, time to break up. A congenital liar is bad for your mental health.
If he's a family member, well, that's tougher. I would follow the dwindling contact path here, be nice if in his presence but don't bother having contact that would require his input or your confidence with him.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me, I think is the appropriate aphorism to apply to this situation.
So, how do I deal with people I can't trust? I don't give them anything to do that means I'm relying on their truthfulness or information. If I can, I just basically ignore them without being overtly rude.
...............................
|
