A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:. My wife does not know I know she's cheated. I have all the proof I need and it's causing me to distant my personal life from her. I see my wife stressing over me pulling away from her, she appears to not understand why I stopped showing her affection or even caring anymore. I feel really bad about my wife's cheating and did not confront her, at least not yet. I though our marriage was rock solid, we had a better than most relationship. Now I feel like it's not worth trying to keep our marriage going and see myself backing away at every turn. I don't know how to confront her with a realistic understanding of the facts. It would appear I have spied, but it was her lie, she told me where she wasn't that made me take a look. I got her cell phone one night when she was asleep. The texts were unbelievable. She's been going at with a co worker for a few months. I'm angry, hurt and in disbelief. I want to put this on the table but how do I confront her? Should I show her all the text messages I forwarded to my cell phone? I doubt I'll be able to ever trust her again. I doubt I'm going to want to stay married to her and everyday I get angrier keeping this big lie to myself. What would you do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2014): Oh please... There is absolutely NO excuse to cheat, man or woman. Lonely... Get a dog. No communication... Make an effort. Before mobile phones if you were at home and the phone rang anyone would answer it. If no one was home it would go to the answering machine for anyone to listen to. So why all of a sudden is it so that spouses are accused of snooping by checking ones phone. In a marriage are you entitled to privacy? Yes ... When you go to the loo. Are you entitled to keep secrets ? No that's to save your own arse most of the time. Print out what proof you have and don't let yourself be bamboozled by her turning it around on you with a " you had no right to snoop on me" crap. Good luck. :)
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (29 March 2014):
 It seems you are keeping a secret too. Does this make you feel better? It seems that it doesn't. You seem to fear confronting your wife with your discovery.
If there is an explanation you are not giving your wife the chance to give it. Instead you are filling your head with evermore fantastical scenarios about what you imagined to happen.
Just as honesty and trust is a two-way street so too is dishonesty and mistrust. Something is wrong with this relationship that pre-dates this incident. If you can choose to confront this fundamental problem then you can understand so that it does not happen again in any of your future relationships. If you don't then you'll wander from relationship to relationship in bewilderment as you repeat history.
It's your choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2014): You seem to play communication games and i wonder if this is why your wife began an affair. Grow up and stop acting like a sulky kid and maybe you'll begin to think that she MAY HAVE HAD A VALID REASON for seeking affection elsewhere. You thought your marriage was rock solid and it clearly wasn't - which suggests that you were not communicating well with your wife about whether SHE was happy, just assuming she was. Stop judging her and acting like you are the injured party and try to understand why she did it - maybe then you'll see that your tendency to play punishing games is just part of a far bigger scenario in which your partner feels like she can't talk to you.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (26 March 2014):
It appears like you've resigned yourself to leaving. With that, you MUST COMMIT TO THAT IDEA 100%. You marriage is now nothing other than a court case, and you'd better start looking at it that way.First thing, document EVERYTHING. Pictures, notes, emails, etc. Document and save EVERYTHING. Also, at the beginning, tell her nothing. Next, hire a first rate divorce attorney - they will be well worth the cost if you have any assets worth protecting. If she threatens you in any way, go down to the police station and get a restrainer against her. Tell them you are in fear of your life from her. Its one of the most unconstitutional things on the books, but they exist and so therefore you should use it to your advantage.This may seem severe, but remember your wife cheated and show she is not worth trusting within a relationship - how do you think she will be OUTSIDE the relationship?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2014): If you keep doing this much longer its going to do you more harm than good, if it hasn't already. Right now its probably fueling her affair and making her feel less guilty about it.
If you want to reconcile with her then you will find yourself on the hook for this treatment. Time goes by and she will emotionally remember how you have been treating her more than the facts of what happened when. You can point out the fact that your bad treatment only started after you caught her. She may believe you and logically accept that fact. But emotionally she may not be able to fully accept that cause & effect. The memory of the bad treatment will probably end up being points counted against you in her heart, justified or not.
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A
male
reader, M Proops  +, writes (26 March 2014):
If it were my wife I would ask for a divorce,i just couldn't forgive her.The relationship may have been ok for you but clearly wasn't for her.Once a cheater always a cheater.I think you deserve a better woman.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2014): you are making it so complicated.You put yourself through lots of stress, what is the point of keeping it to yourself. If you think you are willing to save your marriage work on it,if you are ready for divorce just move on and the first step for both is to speak up.Cheating is wrong but something is missing there. I am a woman and I know no one is willing to ruin a solid relationship and marriage. confronting her will help you to make a decision. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2014): Sir, knowing human-nature somewhat; I am certain you're holding your cards close to your vest; but your behavior around her is screaming what you know. You'd lose a game of poker. Big time!
You are cold and distant. Your every move spells "I know your filthy little secret, b*#%-h!!!" You're letting her stew on it, not because you don't know how to approach her. It's because you are pumping every bit of venom into it that you can possibly inject, to watch her squirm. You're playing a psyche-game that might create suspense; but I doubt you're that intimidated by addressing the issues head-on.
You're steaming on it. That's unhealthy for the blood-pressure; and you're going to blow a gasket. I don't like suppressed rage, or internalized-anger. It's very dangerous, and people do very stupid things.
Does she deserve it? Maybe. It's counter-productive. It won't rewind the events back to before it happened. It only increases the drama. Drama is wasted energy, and a lot of stupid distraction away from the facts. It delays progress.
You had the nerve to read her messages while she slept; now you don't have the guts to confront her straight-on? So what ever possessed you to read her messages in the first place?
Seriously?!!
You should practice alone first, and calm your temper. Get it all under control. You have had plenty of opportunity to show her how disappointed, betrayed, and totally pissed-off you are. I doubt you're floating around the house like you're on angel-wings and roller-skates.
Doors are slamming, tense-silence, cold-shoulder, and other moves that say "this guy is truly disturbed about something!!!" She knows the cat's out of the bag!
She's busted!
Now grow some stones and tell her what you know, and what you're going to do about it.
Present your evidence only if she denies it. The evidence may be good if you need it for dramatic-effect; but she already knows what the evidence is. She has first-hand knowledge of the whole drama, and how she participated. You need to man-up and make your intentions known. Get straight to the point.
Before you confront her; don't ride the fence. The typical wavering back and forth, with the full knowledge you'll never get over it. Your wife cheated; and when someone says they "doubt" they will ever trust someone again. They mean they "can't" trust that person again; and really don't want to. Nor do you have to.
Everyone is not made of unconditional-forgiveness and love.
There are some infractions made in a marriage that damage it to the core. Those aren't usually salvageable. Infidelity being at the top of the heap.
There are people who get through it. However; not without considerable punishment and torture of the cheater. Life is pure hell, until they earn forgiveness. The point is not to forgive; but to punish someone into atonement.
They are sentenced to domestic-hell. Their every move is watched, they must account for all their time; and they may as well surrender to the gestapo. It will be indefinitely thrown in their faces, and they will never really be forgiven. Just tolerated between water-boarding sessions.
Forced to reassure their victim's insecurities around the clock, and never again sensing personal-freedom.
Have the balls to get a lawyer and let her go. Minimize the torture on both of you, and start your healing. It begins the day you part ways.
Your ego wants to hang-on, not to set her free to be had by other men. Don't listen to that. Being with another man has already happened. Who's fault it is? Doesn't matter. it can't be undone. That's the reality.
Getting on with your life and saving yourself, does matter.
Forgiveness will come easier in-time. Divorce is punishment enough.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 March 2014):
 You must decide if you want to leave and divorce this woman.... OR, if you want to have her discontinue the affair and continue in marriage with you....
If you opt for the former, then the discussion is brief. Ergo: "Sorry to advise you, (her name here), but I've become aware of your infidelity... and am not only going to divorce you... but I am also going to do my darndest to see that you come away from our marriage with virtually nothing. Let your new man start things over with you."
If you opt for the latter, the discussion is: "Hunchy-bunchy, I know you think that I'm a dumb s**t, and am unawares of your infidelity... but I am. AND, I'm forgiving enough to ASK YOU if you really want to pursue guy number two.... OR, if you wish to make amends and see if we can ressurrect what was a great marriage.... Your call."
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (25 March 2014):
 I agree with Auntie Westie people dont just wake up one day from a solid marriage to decide to cheat. Nobody does that. Its a underlying cause not saying its right to cheat. Also perphaps she is planning on leaving and was looking for other options before she fully vacated from the marriage.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 March 2014):
 What would I do?
I would get my ducks in a row. And with that, I mean I would consult a lawyer and look into divorce. You can confront her all you want, but I would rather drop the papers on her and tell her WHY you decided to divorce her. That way, it's YOUR choice and no one else.
You did spy/snoop and something prompted you to do so. But right now the snooping is the least of your worries. No need to try and make it sound like you didn't. Own your own actions. JUST like SHE ought to own hers.
YOUR main concern is figuring out exactly what you want.
If there is an OUNCE of you that might want to try and work through it, then yes I would confront her. And then I would tell her exactly what you need from her to move on. couples counseling, total transparency...
How long ago did you find out?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2014): I don't think you HAVE to stay with her, but there's always a reason someone cheats.... Whilst I'm not saying it would be your fault, but have you considered that maybe she was feeling pressures or unloved and felt like she couldn't talk to you about it?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2014): Go to her and sit her down, very calmly explain to her that she has given you reason to doubt her loyalty and so very simply you checked her phone never expecting to find anything, but what you found was very hurtful and disappointing and then explain that you did whatever else you did and if she loses her temper, wait for her to calm down and then explain that she is the one in the wrong and given the circumstances, you were right to check up on her.
It will be hard to keep your cool, but don't raise your voice or get angry visibly because it will make her defensive. You need her to admit that she has done something, not find routes out of it and ways to blame you.
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