A
female
age
41-50,
*eidos
writes:Hello there -I am having serious communication issues with my partner and it seems to be going downhill rapidly. I really dont know what to do about it apart from leave him or get relationship counselling. I am at the end of my tether trying to communicate and now we dont even talk about anything. We just got back from a week's holiday with my partner up to my dad's house. Previous to the trip I had expressed (yet again) our need for communication and talks about the future. He brushed me off as usual and told me that we can talk about this later 'when he is not so tired from work' (always excuses) so he suggested that when we were on the road to driving up to my father's for christmas that we could 'talk' then, that there was plenty of time then for talking. So, 15 hours of driving later - nothing, no talking, no talking about anything. The same on the drive back also. Even when I asked him if he was enjoying the holiday and liked the place it was like getting blood out of a stone - his answer was: "its alright" when it was apparent he was having a brilliant time. Just even simple questions like this he clams up on me and wont share any sort of feelings, like 'oh this place is great' 'i wish we could do this or do that' So after 2 years of this, I am exhausted and frustrated. We have a gorgeous 8 month old girl and so the more need to communicate about daily issues as well as the very important ones. From the moment I found out i was pregnant I agreed to move up to where he lives which was a big step and a big sacrifice for me - he told me he would support us up here which he has but I expressed before that I moved up that I didnt want to stay in his home town, i wanted to move closer to my parents who live 2000 kms away - so everytime I have tried to bring up talking about where we are headed or what he wants, or what we both want for the future, he clams up, walks away or gets angry and defensive. What am I to do, I am fed up, frustrated and sad that our communication has gotten so bad. I can see that the fact that we don't talk is making things worse as when things are brought up, more often than not it turns into an argument. I want this to work, but I am tired of trying. I feel lonely and depressed and dont feel like I can do much more to help this situation. These issues are dictating where my life is headed and I dont see this as a fair arrangement, as I often feel 'i have to pick my moment' or uneasy about approaching my partner to talk to him about my concerns. If anyone has any advice at all about communication with someone who is so closed please let me know, otherwise its off to the counsellor we go!!!
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female
reader, heidos +, writes (6 January 2012):
heidos is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks to you both, you have been very helpful about this difficult situation. To anonymous - the baby was a surprise and we were only just starting to see each other. He lived 200 kms away from me and we negotiated at the time that I would move up to where he was living for a temporary start. I expressed at that very moment that I did not wish to stay in his town permanently - so this is what is frustrating, is that we agreed to this even before the baby was born. I was going to do it on my own nearer to my parents and he had the option of either letting me do that or agreeing to support me and baby temporarily in his home town, then move closer to my parents. WE will get there I am sure, it just involves a lot of talking. xxxxxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2012): He is probably clamming up on topics like where the future is going because his answers may not be what you want to hear. Sometimes it's easier for men to keep the peace rather than outright saying they don't want to get married or move close to your parents.
He's hoping by avoiding the topic it will go away and you are hoping by discussing it he will want what you want. Since you are the one who is discontent about your arrangement, you will have to be the one making the decisions like leaving him or staying put and being good with that. He is where he wants to be and is doing things how he wants them so he doesn't want change.
In his mind you got pregnant and he is doing the right thing and taking care of his responsibilities. He is providing you and his daughter a home. Having your daughter dictated your future and these are the sacrifices you are making.
If you wanted to live close to your parents, you had many years to do that on your own before you chose to have a baby by someone established elsewhere who didn't plan to marry you. You could always give an ultimatum and he may give you what you want so he doesn't lose his daughter but it won't come from his heart.
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A
male
reader, SonOfMan  +, writes (5 January 2012):
 I know how a lot of guys just bottle up their feelings because I used to be one of them, and still am sometimes (work in progress!).
There are a number of reasons for this, but mostly to do with upbringing and the types of role models there are around in a person's life and what they saw and experienced from a young age.
My parent's marriage failed due to a lack of communication and understanding (as well as other things).
I'm sure you have already done this but you need to portray the seriousness of the matter in a clear tone with a calm and assertive manner.
How we speak has a lot to do with how people listen to us. If we are unsure about how we feel or lack confidence in what we say, this comes out in our tone and we are not taken seriously even though what we are saying may be very important.
You need to take control of the situation and voice your opinion for your sake, for the sake of the relationship and where it's heading as well as your child.
I know you say you have tried to communicate, but if you still have the patience, talk some more and set an example for him by being open and honest. Start by talking about other things such as your likes, how your day has been, something you read, the news and general gossip. This may ease him into a conversation and begin to teach him how to talk.
I didn't realize how good it felt until my current partner (who is a great talker) led by example. I also learned from a previous relationship.
There are good books you can read (or get him to read) about this subject.
You just need the patience if you (both) want to make this work especially if there is a child involved.
I hope this helps, if there are any specifics feel free to get in touch.
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