A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a 21 year old male student. Three months ago I met a girl via an online community, we had good conversations and apparently found each other sufficiently attractive to meet up. So we did, and a relationship developed. She was to become my first girlfriend. She was also the first girl I was intimate with. I am one of the best students at my university, with an A* average grade, having completed half my graduate studies while still being an undergraduate student. At least, I was until I met her. I didn't prepare for the upcoming exams as much as I should have since I was mentally preoccupied with her. Yesterday I failed an exam intentionally to be able to correct the grade, otherwise the bad result would've crippled my accumulated achievements.Then, when I got home, I sent her a message, breaking up with her, since I realised that I cannot do both things - both a professional career and a fulfilling romantic life - at the same time. We wanted to meet up this weekend - like we did every weekend -, and due to our break-up I cancelled my train and hotel bookings in her city.Now I am second-guessing my decisions. For most of you, it may sound ridiculous to prioritise career to such an extent, but if you think about it: What sort of future could I possibly expect, if I didn't invest as much as I could into building it? The reason I am having doubts is that the motivation for breaking up with her will never change - I will always be busy with either studying, doing research, going to conferences, etc.That way I will never be able to have and enjoy having a girlfriend without definitely crippling my career.Also, you have to take into account that women are very much not into me for some unclear reasons. Getting a girlfriend is much more difficult for me than getting a Ph.D. in Mathematics from a prestigious university. So, breaking up with her essentially made me a voluntarily involuntary single for probably half a decade to come.What would you do? How would you deal with this situation? How do you balance extreme professional work with a romantic relationship mentally? Can you simply focus on your work if you know, you have a girlfriend you like? I couldn't stop thinking about her. Now, of course, I still can't stop doing that and the next exams are coming closer (in two weeks), and I don't know how to just study for them. I am basically... at the cognitive level of a 10 year old at the moment.
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female
reader, eternallyinfinite  +, writes (4 September 2011):
People get married and have children while in graduate school! If they can do that, then surely you can balance school and a girlfriend!! The thing is, you just need to make sure that you prioritize school, and that whoever you date understands that school comes first. And yes, you can focus on work if you're dating someone, even if you think about them a lot. You just have to learn to focus on school when you aren't seeing them, and just force yourself to study. I've been in a relationship for 7.5 years now, entering 4th year of phd studies. We've been together since the last year of high school, went through undergrad, and have been living together since I've started graduate school 3 years ago. I graduated with a 3.9/4.0 average for undergrad, and have won a number of national scholarships while in grad school. So, it is indeed possible to balance work and a relationship ... I just treat school as a 9-5 job and do work while I'm work, and when I'm at home, I don't do any work.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2011): step into a relationship only if you know your priorities..most students make the mistake of investing more time into their relationship rather than their studies..balance is the key..so get a girlfriend only if you are sure that you are able to handle both, and that your studies will not be compromised due to distractions or heartbreaks..if not do not bother taking the risk..learn to separate your heart from your brain, and leave your heart out of your studies..from a dean's list student with strings of A+'s and a 5-year relationship in tow..
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (3 September 2011):
 You need to culitvate a leave it at the door policy. When you are at work focus on that and when you are with her focus on that only. Also be up front with her and tell her your career is really important you and that you need lots of time to focus on it. If she knows that right from the start she will either accept it and make it work for her or move on. Honesty is the best policy
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