A
female
age
41-50,
*stanie
writes:I've been with this guy for almost 2 years. We never had "the talk" about where we stand in our relationship. I'm confuse and slightly unhappy. So, I'm trying to open up and express how I'm feeling about our relationship. I did some reading about how common females feels this way and their advice is I need to understand what's going on inside the mind of my man. Also to understand what causes me to react the way I do because my needs are unmet. And how to avoid from over reacting and being direct about what I want. Well, there was this one part where it says I have to discover how to integrate a certain way of communicating into a man's thinking and behavior. Well how do I do that and what does that mean? Does anyone agree or disagree? Any advice on how I can open up and express how I feel and get positive results? Because if I'm not happy...I shouldn't be in this relationship but I want this to work and I know he will listen to what I have to say but I don't know how to express what I'm feeling without "letting him have it" Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, miso31 +, writes (27 August 2008):
Sweetie, 2 years and you're not exclusive or having sex? Who the heck could blame you for being unhappy?! That is not a relationship. I know you don't want to hear this but you really need to think about walking away from this. Living at his mom's is an excuse. He doesn't want to have sex because he doesn't want to feel any commitment to you. Do you think if the roles were reversed - you were a man he were the woman - 2 years with no sex - no way would a man stay.
A
female
reader, estanie +, writes (27 August 2008):
estanie is verified as being by the original poster of the question I'm not the type to talk about my feelings and he wants me to open up about what I'm feeling because he can tell that I'm not happy. It's easy to make me happy but I don't stay happy long. And one thing I do want is to have sex and he wants me to be patient til he gets his own place (he stays with his mom and sister to help them out) It's been 2 years and we're aren't exclusive...I want to have a real relationship and I want to be intimate. He is everything that I wanted and I know no one is perfect...but he is! It's just the whole not having sex part is getting to me...especially when we make out and stuff...I feel like it's all a tease and I hate that! I do want to sit down and talk to him, but I don't know how to talk about "us" without getting so mad. but I don't want to scare him and end things...ERRRR....this is tough!
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A
female
reader, miso31 +, writes (27 August 2008):
I agree that you shouldn't have to worry about freaking him out or scaring him away after 2 years! Maybe 2 months, but 2 years is a perfectly reasonable time to know where you two stand. Just in a relaxing way tell him how happy he makes you (or someting else complimentary) and then if he says "Me too" or something equally sweet. (I'm always wanting my bf to elaborate and take the hint and say something even sweeter...I've learned to be happy enough with a me too). Also, make sure you have his focus. Don't do this while watching tv or any other possible distractions - most men are total ADD! Then just say "I'm not ready for anything at the moment but down the road, I can see us together. How do you feel about it?" You may be ready to get hitched tomorrow, but if you throw the "I'm not ready yet" it may take a bit of the pressure of. Let me know how it goes!
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (27 August 2008):
 OK I think you are wanting to find all the answers at once and that doesn't always happen with men.
Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus is a book that may be more helpful personally, I haven't read it all the way through but the one thing that seems to come out of it as the old saying that men got to their caves and women talk.
Women are much more open about their feelings and can chat to other females very easily, men don't often do that, they may talk about cars, football or any other sport or maybe brag about their sex life but their inner emotions is not something they would blurt out to another guy ordinarily.
I think you have to set the mood as such, a romantic home cooked meal or even a takeaway and a little wine and a relaxed atmosphere, don't go in guns blazing as he will run for the hills. A relaxing cuddle without even sex can be a time when you can say 'I feel so close to you and just want to know how you feel about us and where we are going' rather than the words 'what are we doing' which is a question and accusation all at the same time.
Go in gently, I don't necessarily agree with the innocent, helpless routine but setting the mood is much more important, if he doesn't feel threatened then maybe he will open up to you. Don't allow for interruptions like mobile phones going off and just say about some quality time alone for you both and take it from there.
Let us know how you get on eh!
Take care and best of luck.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2008): I'm not sure exactly "how to integrate a certain way of communicating into a man's thinking and behavior" or even what that means. I'll take a stab at it though.
Be direct. Be honest. Don't attack. If you two have never had "the talk" then he might be just as confused and lost as you are. If you start the conversation looking for a fight (letting him have it) then you'll get one.
As for the positive result, that's relative. Whether your relationship works out or not, knowing will be a positive step for you. The only negative thing you can do is nothing at all. Dwelling on how bad things are only makes them worse.
Good luck.
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