A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've never done anything quite like this before, but I'm going to give it a shot.I've been with the same guy for almost four years now. For most of our relationship, things have been wonderful. We have similar interests, similar goals/wants in life, great chemistry together, all of that. We've lived together for almost a year. The big thing we disagree on is his smoking pot. For years, he had given it up for me, but a few months ago, he told me that he was going to start again. I wouldn't have nearly so much of a problem with this except for the fact that he's high pretty much as often as he can be. It's not like he's missing work or anything, but it seems like it's all he wants to do when he's home. I could handle it once in a while without a problem, but he's such a different person when he's high. Not mean or abusive or anything, just apathetic. He's been going through some issues with his family lately, and I don't know if his decision to start smoking again came from that or not. He's not one to talk about his feelings easily, so I don't know why he felt the need to start again after so long.I'm so in love with him. I want to give this relationship every chance possible, I just don't know what to do. Should we take a break? Should we go to counseling or something? I want us both to be happy, and I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, TEM +, writes (8 February 2011):
 It sounds like his pot smoking is putting distance between you. He wants to smoke most of the time he is at home? When he is stoned he is apathetic? If you accept this behavoir over time you will grow to resent him.
When he gets high he is basically checking out of your relationship. You must feel hurt by this. I would have a talk with him, but if he is determined to keep this up, or he just can't stop for some reason, he should know he stands to lose you. If you do talk to him, be prepared for him to be very defensive.
It sounds as if he is self-medicating himself with pot. Perhaps what he really should be doing is seeing a therapist to help him deal with his family issues. What he is doing now is simply escaping into a cloud of smoke.
You need to think whether or not you want someone like this for a life partner too. You need someone that is fully present in your relationship and willing to solve problems instead of running away from them.
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