A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay... I'm haunted by a question - if you can call it that. In 2009, I had a relationship that went... bad. Before the relationship went bad, it was a committed relationship that went strong for 2 1/2 years, and we were friends for almost 5 years before the relationship. It was almost an overnight change- in less than 4 months- he suddenly started to become verbally abusive towards me. I put up with put-downs, ultimatums, insults, embarrassed in front of my friends, being talked down to and the cold shoulder for almost 7 months before it was over. And it was all over politics.I am now finally climbing out of a 2 year chronic depression, and realizing that there are other guys that I know who are trying to win me over. Some who realized that being my friend might be how to win me over- and some who were already my friends to begin with. But they all have one thing in common: No matter how sweet they are, how well they treat me- I'm just not interested. Not that I don't like them. And I'm not pushing them away. But I can't bring myself to fall into a relationship again- I feel no desire to. It's as though I just see it all differently now. Any early stage of a potential relationship is now no longer seen as a friendship- but just attention seeking. It's like I view it all with an ice-cold eye. I keep asking myself things like 'he says that now, but how long will it last before he changes?'Maybe it's because I was never boy-crazy to begin with? The first and only real relationship I've been in started out as a friendship. A good friendship, but I didn't really see romantic potential in it until it just happened- I never sought it, or pursued it until I realized he very obviously liked me, and then I soul-searched over it before I made my decision to enter into that relationship. Now I am in a similar predicament, but I just don't feel it. I know they like me. But just as a person who almost died drowning has no desire to take up swimming any time soon, I also have no desire to enter into a relationship. But the weird thing is I KNOW I don't want to be alone. I *want* that kind of bond. But I also....don't. It's like putting myself in harm's way all over again. What should I do? Wait it out? Will this loss of interest eventually fade? Will I ever be able to enter a future relationship and not feel weird about it... or should I just avoid men?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): Um, you're not being ice cold, you are being angry and sniping at people that may or may not be sincere. Don't take offense, it's understandable. Yes, at some point a relationship will work and not gnaw at you. Don't try to force it though, you'll only succeed in making yourself and some poor sap miserable. You'll know it's okay when the idea of the relationship doesn't give you anxiety or bitter rage.Also, realize that your cynicism towards men is not apathy, it's a defense mechanism that sprung up due to certain stimuli. Now that said stimuli is gone it should dissipate over time. Happens to a lot of people in your situation.Much love, though. And even if you aren't in a relationship any time soon, allow yourself to see the sincerity that people have to offer. When you look for the human heart in action, you tend to see it all around.
A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (8 February 2011):
 There could be a few things going on here:
1) Even though it's been two years, you still haven't gotten over the major breakup.
2) You have depression and that is going untreated
3) You are gun-shy and don't want to set yourself up for another horrible break-up.
It could also be a combination of all three. Loss of desire in things you once enjoyed is a sign of depression, so is a cynical outlook.
Your breakup was significant. You were very involved for 2 1/2 years. Before that you were friends for almost 5. This man was part of your life for seven years. At your age, that's a big chunk of your life.
Your relationship ended ambiguously. What I mean is that it is not clear to you why it ended. Your boyfriend was not honest with you about the reason it ended. He treated you badly and then pulled the plug, claiming it was politics? No, I don't think so.
Sometimes men treat women badly when what they really want to do is break up with them. They want to drive them away, so that they don't have to deal with the conflict surrounding the end of a relationship. It stinks, but it's not uncommon.
It takes a long time to get over bad breakups. Experts say it takes 2-5 years sometimes. I don't think you were able to grieve the loss of this relationship because you didn't understand why it ended, and now you are unable to move on.
You won't be interested in a new man until you have completely gotten over this one. He hurt you badly. It takes time to completely get over things like that. Google the stages of grief and see where you are in the process.
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