A
female
age
51-59,
*usieQ1970
writes:My partner and I have been together for 8 years. There are 3 children older children involved (aged 12 to 15) from previous relationships and we have a toddler together. We have only all lived together once and it was a complete disaster so much so that the older children now refuse to have anything to do with the partner on both sides.We had split up for 14 months and have recently got back together. How do we break the news to the older children or would it be best to keep quiet about it for now?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2007): I can understand your worry and concern at telling the older kids, but they do need to be told. Sorry but they are part of the whole family and should be included in all of this. I think you both need to speak to them separately and tell them exactly what is going to happen. Don't bring them all together and try and have a big happy family reunion, it just won't work. My eldest son is 15 and he hates my bloke and his son and always will. Some things are totally beyond our control, but at the same time we all have to have a life and if yours includes your bloke then so be it. I think you deserve to be happy, and i don't think some kids are ever happy. What would happen if we put our lives on hold because of our kids, we would all grow old lonely!! Because once they leave home, they wouldn't give a cat bum about the fact that we had put our lives on hold for them. Go for it. It will be very tough for a time, but hey, that is life!!
Take care and i wish you well for the future.
xx
A
female
reader, SusieQ1970 +, writes (1 March 2007):
SusieQ1970 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe only 'abuse' the older children have been subject to is watching their parents scream and shout at each other and one physical altercation the night we parted and we both realise the harm we have caused regarding this. But whether we have given them too much power I would have to disagree, we have always tried to listen to their views and it was clear they were all unhappy, surely in those circumstances it was wise of us to act upon the childrens needs? We are considering therapy by the way, it remains to be seen whether the children become involved.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2007): So, "his" won't speak to you & "yours" won't speak to him? Unless the "disaster" in the past is related to abuse of some sort, I must conclude that you (both) have given these children way too much power in the past. Power to throw fits and invalidate an adult relationship? This makes for an unstable family (obviously) and unhappy, insecure kids. I would suggest that you both keep this mum until you can sort out how you can "do better". By this, I mean that each of you has to have a plan to be civil/make nice to the others kid(s) and to keep your own spawn reigned. This may take therapy.
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