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female
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*hunky_monkey
writes: my boyfriend and i just got over a rough patch of trust being broken. But the problem is that now we tend to argue a lot over little things. We plan to get married, yet we can get over this little stupid fights that sometimes turns into large. For another week we are in a long distance relationship until he is done school. I don't want the last week to be just fights but everyday a new one happens. I need help, i love him so much. He is great to me and the best thing that happened to me.
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (27 April 2006):
 OK the main question here is do you trust him now?
Broken trust is not something you can mend quickly.
Considering your relationship is still very new, it has undergone a lot of stress and I think like I have said before their is resentment there otherwise there would not be these arguments.
You say the arguments are about silly things but I used to be like this with my ex many years ago and we would argue about a salt and pepper pot, not important but it would spiral into an almighty argument and then afterwards we would laugh our heads off about it. I didn't trust him as he had given me reason (not an affair at the time), that came later but enough and I was angry with him most of the time but kept it inside of me and the way it came out was by having these stupid arguments with him.
You do need to get some counselling ideally and even though funds may be stretched as you are both young ring up Relate and tell them that you can only afford £20 or something and maybe just go along for one session, you may find that is all you need but do try and do something about this.
You are crying out for help here and whilst all the advice in the world may ease it your boyfriend and you need to talk and by having an impartial person to make you listen to one another you do get better and learning to communicate.
If you really can't afford it then make a rule that while one of you talks the other doesn't and won't interrupt the other person and visa versa. Sit down with a drink and then start talking so that you are both relaxed and maybe you can get to the root of all of this.
You don't sound that happy right now and the longer it continues the worse it will get.
Just keep talking and even to the agony aunts as we are here to try and help you.
BFN
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2006): Good advice from the others...One more thing I would suggest is that you don't have arguments and go back to normal for no reason. There is a reason behind this.Arguments, the breaking of trust and fighting comes down to a lack of communication. You arn't properly understanding what the other is saying, or you're not expressing what you are actually feeling.If one of has cheated on the other, this could likely be the problem. The person being cheated on has said they forgive them, but actually is still angry with them and so is causing arguments to take their anger out on them, or the person who cheated has a problem with the relationship and is trying to get out of the relationship by causing fights, attempting to make the other person hate so they don't have to do the breaking up. I've read that some couples have a "word" that they use to stop themselves in the middle of an argument. They then calm down and talk what's *really* bothering them. Perhaps you can try that?
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female
reader, Clarey +, writes (26 April 2006):
 Youn don't say what the trust issue was about and although you may both be past that perhaps there is some resentment remaining. You can probably see some triggers; are they jealousy, being inconsiderate, different priorities, plans? You are both young and if you have been having a long distance relationship each of you has changed and matured so perhaps you need to spend time catching up. Listen and take on board what the other says. Think, take a breath. Say to yourself "I will not pick up on this small point and make an issue of it". If you are arguing it means neither is listening and you are unable to compromise with each other. Always give time and thought to an issue before reacting. You could buy a book on how to communicate effectively. One of the tips in those books is to adapt your speaking tone to "adult", which is calm and reasoned, when the other is being the "child" shouting and being emotional. It is very effective. Two "children" shouting at each other rarely hear each other.
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female
reader, chunky_monkey +, writes (26 April 2006):
chunky_monkey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt was him that borke the trust with me. We both are happy in the relationship. We just fight about stupid irrevantent things. Its like we fight and then the next moment afterwards everything is fine, almost like we didn't fight. But the fighting is adding on stress and then it just suddenly stops. I don't know whats happening. I need help
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (26 April 2006):
Who broke the trust between you both?
Was it him or you?
Seems like the constant arguing is an underlying frustration over the broken trust issue.
You say that you are going to get married but you need to work through this trust issue between you.
What are the arguments about? Is it money or seeing one another or just irrelevant things?
If it is the latter then it comes back to the trust issue and the fact that one of you is finding it hard to regain the trust again and taking pot shots at the guilty party so that it is a subtle way of getting back at that person.
You always treat the one closest to you in the hardest way and they are the person you argue most with as you see that person the most.
The long distance relationship issue could also be a form of frustration. If it is an argument each day then leave off contact for one day and see if that helps. It is not the end of the world to not speak to one another for a day.
If your boyfriend is so great then you need to leave the past in the background and look to the future as it will eat you up. If there is so much love then there should not be the constant arguing.
Continued arguing is ordinarily a sign of something not right and if it continues then you need to address it before it consumes your whole relationship. Perhaps you need to talk things through with a counsellor and as a couple if you want your relationship to work.
Don't leave things but do talk and don't avoid the subjects that are painful. If you can't talk it through together then that is the time that you know you need an unbiased opinion and help like Relate. It will either make you stronger as a couple or you will realise that you are not compatible.
At the end of the day there is no point in being in a relationship that is making you both miserable but do get to the bottom of this and you will either be ecstatic with your man or you will realise that continuing with him will be a waste of your young life.
I wish you well and do talk please, it does help believe me.
BFN
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