A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am asking for help on how to make my relationship work. I have a girlfriend for more than 6 years already and we had a son at an early age. So after graduating, we decided to prioritize our own careers and were very distant from each other. I am a nurse and she works at an international bank. We didn't live together but my son lives with her and I visit them 2-3 times a week and is near with my home. Then a year gone by working and having my masters at the same time. We always argued because I didn't have enough time with her and I was too preoccupied by my work and study. Then we decided to separate and think our relationship over. During those times that we were apart. I stopped studying and the work to try to convince her that I was sorry for taking her for granted on so many occasions and would like a chance to prove to her that I could change. Then after 2-3 months of trying to get her back failed. She changed and rejected me so many times. After 2 months, I was ready to let her go if she really thinks that I was not good enough anymore. I asked her to tell me the thing that I feel she is hiding. I told her in several times to tell me if she is dating someone or liked someone else. She denied it and told me that she wouldn't find a guy that would love her because she already has a son. So at that night she finally told me she had intimate affair with her colleague that was her partner at work! She was really sorry and looked disgusted on herself that she told me I wouldn't love her because of what she had done. I was totally shocked and furious at that moment but I knew I had to choose between leaving her or love her. I chose to love her and told her that we could make it work. I asked on how they ended up together but she wont say every details because it hurts her. At first I thought it was a one night stand only but she told me they have been doing it for 2 months! Actually I read in her text message that she asked him out for the next day and to her birthday which was coming after 4 days! But I truly loved this woman. She was my first. I was also. And I had thought that we would love each other whatever happens. I was faithful to her since the day we were together. I had a difficult time when we were apart and knowing she didn't love me anymore! She is the only person i think for me. So I wanted to give my son a happy family. Then she tells me that she LOVED?! this guy and this guy loves her too. (the guy has a gf) he's a bit older than us, irony is almost the same name like me, and we looked the same. Tall white guy with good body built and with glasses. Plus, he also study his masters but could balance it all. I would argue that office work is VERY different from the life at the hospital. Now we are having a rough time being together, I am still always trying to understand her despite of everything. And she tells me that she gives me a chance to show her that we could do it. I did all the good things I wasn't able to do for 1 year because I was working and studying. But as a week passed, she still doesn't love me but promises to be with me because I love her and we have a child. How can I make this work? I have planned to be patient and just show her that I forgive her and support her from here on. She already told the guy that she chose me and they should stop their relationship. I wanted to hurt the guy but I plan to talk to him this week. I want to know his character. And to know if he really loves her or just played with her. It is so hard to sleep my stupid head flashing images of how they @#$@#@$ messed all our lives. Am I stupid for loving this woman? I had been very prayerful since we were apart and always asked for the Lord's guidance and protection from evil and temptation. But this is the greatest trial that I have faced. I haven't told this to anyone but to her 2 colleagues that I asked to monitor them at work. It pains me that she gave the herself to a man who treated her nice that should have been me! if she had gave me the chance! But I will forgive this once because I understand I had fault being cold and taking her for granted. I was so stupid to let her go and agreed to part ways! I have decided that I would really love her despite everything but I need some advice on how to help her forgive herself and me for our sins. What I started was being with her everyday and devote ourselves to a novena prayer every week. We don't talk about the details of her relationship but she is having a hard time being with me because she regrets that I should have done the caring before we separated. It is so hard but right now I am working and studying because I need to support my son and my plans of marrying her are already destroyed. I want to start over again.
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (5 November 2010):
 As much as you love her and your son, you have to let her go. She is staying with you but, not out of the same love you feel for her. She needs to decide whether or not she wants to be with you or if she wishes to be with someone else but she cannot stay with you simply because she does not wish to be alone.
What happens if you kiss her again? She can never feel anything towards it because she does not love you. I also think she has inner demons to deal with. She needs to forgive herself for her own actions. What happened simply happened. Yes she did surrender to tempation and yes she did not give you a chance to be there for her in her time of loneliness but she has to tell herself that now, she has made the mistake. Mistakes are teachers and we are its humble pupils, she can only learn and prevent herself from future disasters. I can see that she truly regrets what she has done and that gives you all the reason to forgive her if benevolent love was not reason enough.
There is no reason why you two cannot start all over again. Date each other and return to when life was peaceful. Make it a priority to make her smile and remember that if you love her, her happiness comes first because she has chosen to be with you and though it may not be out of love, it is out of devotion and that means that there is hope. Make her smile and she will make you happy. Do not let this sway your loyalty. When a loved one betrays us, when they make mistakes, we can only forgive and support them and continue being there for them so they can see us and they will treasure how well we care for them. I am not telling you to be a 'doormat', I am telling you to let virtue rule over vice and if sometimes you feel as though you had no reason to forgive, remind yourself that you have a son and you have a beautiful life to create, let anger die and let life's beauty grow and hold you and your love with its warmth.
I hope that helps.
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