A
female
age
51-59,
*olysemant
writes:A year ago I met a man online (I'm a 40 yr old female. He's about a dozen years younger than me and still lives at home, but that is because he suffers from social anxiety. Anyway, we talked online for a few months and we really clicked, then I went to meet him in person. We immediately started having sex and have been regularly for several months now. The problem I am having is that I'm in love with him. But we both agreed early on that there is no chance we would ever be a couple, and there isn't, I am certain of that. I didn't even realize I was in love with him until just a few months ago. Even though I have had several long relationships, I was never in love with any of them, so I lack experience in dealing with all these emotions. What makes it harder and more complicated is that my instincts say I have to leave him and move on butin addition to the casual sex we are truly friends and he has come to depend on me heavily in his struggles with his anxiety. How is it possible to stay friends and not end up broken hearted or how do you get over someone you can't get away from?
View related questions:
lives at home, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): You're welcome. Take care :)
A
female
reader, Polysemant +, writes (7 November 2010):
Polysemant is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are right, there is no way out of this without heartbreak and I can't seem to find any way to only be friends. I am going to have to confess my feelings and then end the sexual part immediately, the rest will have to gradually be stopped. Thanks for all your help.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2010): With the given circumstances that you have, it does sound like a tough, entangled situation to get out of. The only way I can suggest without too much heartache is to pull away gradually so that both parties can adjust to the change. Communicate concerns/feelings with explanation.
It sounds like some heartache is evitable. But, by not making abrupt changes, and giving each other time to possibly make new friends, or whatever it is to cope,it could buffer the bad feelings of the break. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Polysemant +, writes (5 November 2010):
Polysemant is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all, he is already in therapy, which he started with my encouragement and support. As for the reason why we can't be together, it's because we have talked at length at what we are attracted to and we both prefer younger people, so it's my age, plus the fact that I live over 100 miles away. We only get to see each other once or twice a month, but we do chat and email each other everyday. He isn't capable of moving to my small town, and my family commitments keep me from moving to his large city.
Another part of the problem is that I have already tried to tell him that I had to move on (without the love confessions)but he was very upset that, as a friend I would so easily abandon him, he stated that he likes that we are so close as friends and he hoped that we could remain that way for a good long time. Some more background on me, I haven't ever had a real friend either, I've always been a loner, so this is also new to me and I really, really like that part of our relationship. What I really want to know is how to get over the love part and still remain friends.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): This situation sounds a bit complicated...
First let me ask, why is it that you two decided that you cannot be a couple? Is it the lack of physical attaction on his part, his anxiety or age difference? It already sounds like you are involved in a relationship since you are intimate and seem to support each other.
I'm kindof familiar with anxiety sufferers because I have a friend who is dating a guy with a bad anxiety disorder; none of us have ever met him. It can be tough to have a normal relationship with someone with that type of issue.
I think the best thing to do is to be open and talk to him about how you are feeling (which is not far fetched that you feel in love with him because you do have a close relationship). After communicating about where each of you stand in the situation, then decide on what you have to do. Ultimately, if he cannot provide you with what you want/need, you will have to pull yourself away from the relationship that you already have, and move on.
I know you said you are concerned about his well being if you do decide to completely leave him, but you have to take care of yourself first. It's ridiculous to be in a one-sided relationship. If his anxiety is the main issue, refer him to some agencies/therapy that could help him.
Perhaps after referring him to get help, you can try at having a relationship, and see where it goes. It could lead to something worthwhile for the both of you.
...............................
|
