A
male
age
41-50,
*amesStraker
writes:I just know this post is going to be long winded because its such a difficult situation to explain. First of all I just want to say that I think that the problem is mine not my girlfriends, I just wondered if anybody had experienced similar emotions and managed to deal with them successfully. Basically I have been with my girlfriend for 7 months, we are from different countries which means we are very different in the way we view things sometimes but on the whole things have been good and we are very fond of each other and I care about her more than I have for anybody in a very long time. When we had been together for a while and starting to become very close, she decided to tell me about some things she hadn't been truthful with me about. Firstly she had lied about her sons age by two years. He was actually older than she had told me, she had told this lie because she had given birth at the very young age of 14 and was too scared to tell me the truth early on in case I didn't see her again. I totally understood why she did this, and I told her that it didn't change anything because sometimes we have to tell a lie to protect ourselves from people who we don't know well enough to trust. Although I was initially a bit surprised by this, things just carried on as normal as everybody has a past and we cannot change it. In any case me and her son get on really well and if this hadn't have happened she wouldn't have her son. Anyway months went by and I was the happiest I'd been for ages and things were fantastic, my girlfriend had finally given me a purpose in life which had been missing before. Then she suggested that we have a holiday together, I wasn't bothered either way but she had her heart set on the idea so I thought if it makes her happy lets go for it. Whilst we were booking things for the holiday and I started typing in her date of birth, she said to me “no you need to change my date of birth”. I was a bit perplexed by this comment as I had obviously typed in the correct date of birth. She then explained to me that date of birth on her passport was not the correct date of birth, nor was her country of birth correct on her passport. She then explained that her passport made her out to be six years older than her real age. I was quite shocked after learning this bit of information. I had never had any reason to suspect anything was wrong because her Father was from the country she was really born in and her Mother was from the country she moved to at 13, so this explained why she could speak 2 languages, and to be honest I didn't really need to know about her past because it wasn't my business. The long and short of it is that she ran away from home at the age of 13 to be with a man of 18. Because her parents (like most parents of a 13 year old) would have gone to the police when they found out about their daughter being with an 18 year old they moved to his country without telling her parents using false documenation. Her documentation was forged and she was made out to be older than she really was. Now like I have said before, this is her past and we cannot change it and my girlfriend wants to move on from her past. Although all this did come as a bit of a shock to me as I’ve never encountered anything like this before and didn’t really know what to say. However what is causing me a problem in my mind is not her past, but the future. Because her documentation and her identity isn't correct this means that for the rest of our lives we have to lie to everybody. Now I agree that her past is not my business, but does it not become my business when I am being asked to tell lies for something that happened years and years ago when I was a child myself?? If we have children do we tell them their Mothers real age or do we lie? If we get married I have to knowingly sign a marriage certificate that has false information on it? Every time I sign a joint document in our names I have it in my head that I'm breaking the law. How do we keep this a secret forever? Obviously before I knew about her passport I just told my family and friends her real age as I had no reason to do anything else. But say at some point my family see a document with her false date of birth on it? How can I ask somebody to be a witness at my wedding? If they see her date of birth and suddenly this gets out I have to explain her past which is nobody's business but hers. I am very close to my family and have never had to tell lies to them nor would I want to. I have so many questions floating about in my head that I seem to have lost the ability to think rational thoughts and no longer trust my own convictions. She happens to look very good for age anyway and when she shows her documents making her out to be six years older sometimes people say “wow you look good for your age” well of course she looks good for her age because her age is not correct and then she has to pretend to be all flattered by this mis-interperated complement, as the person giving it is ignorant to the truth. Are the questions and niggles in my mind unreasonable questions? Am I just being silly? I've never been bothered about people's history before, but this is a unique situation because her past could cause problems in the future not just for me but also for her and our children. The other issue is that she has had this false identity for so long, that to go back to her previous identity would be almost impossible. This identity was created when she was a child and she has no papers relating to her old identity and her parents have since both sadly passed away. Also, I have come from a family where law, order and doing things correctly have always been very important, I couldn't imagine walking around with a passport with incorrect information on it. But she has had a very different life to me and the country she lived in from the age of 13 was full of corruption and this kind of thing is more water off a duck's back. Maybe I have to just stop being so naive and realise sometimes we have to live with things like that in our lives and things aren't always rosy. Would anybody else find my situation an issue? Or is it just me being paranoid and irrational? I did try to talk to her about this issue once but the conversation ends up with her getting upset as her past is painful for her. I don't want to bring it up again and cause her anymore misery. But I do worry about the future sometimes and it fills me with anxiety. Has anybody ever encountered anything like this before? I'd be happy for some neutral advice from people who are not all over the place like me, that is if you haven't aged 20 years whilst reading this. Sorry for going on and on.
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different countries, her past, move on, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): Too much of lies and inconsistencies. and if you continue then you are party to the fraud. you need to decide whether you can handle all the drama and the upheaval in your life. you seem like a good guy , do not let this one sucker you in and destroy your life. i don't think you actually know her, do you?? run before it is toooo late. seems like you have a con artist in your life.
A
female
reader, Shan25  +, writes (4 December 2009):
It sounds bad. you should really find out who she really is because alot of girls run away from home to be with some boy but they do not change their entire identity. she has one two many lies. to be on the safe side you should find out who is really is for yourself
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A
female
reader, DiamondGirlx +, writes (4 December 2009):
 wow, really tricky situation here dude
now i havent or do not know anyone with this sort of problems its urmm very unique,
but after reading this i can tell that you are definately thinking about starting a future with this woman, and thats brilliant, however, you have only been with her for 7 months and after what she have told you, do you think there might be anything else she hasn't told you?
If you are actually planning to have a very long term relationship with this woman then you have to decide on wether you can keep this secret with you for yonks (years).
The questions in your mind are not unreasonable at all it is completely normal for you to feel the way you are especially with a situation like this, now this woman has lived with this lie for years so she is use to it whereas your only adapting to it so if you really do feel deeply about her then you'll have to live with the fact that she tells everyone she is 6 years older than she really is abd if you do decide to marry then you'll have to keep this lie aswell, but then again living with a lie that can keep playing on your mind so what you really need to do is have a very hard long think on wether you think you would be able to keep this lie for a long time or wether you wouldnt be able to cope with
best of luck anyways
x
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