A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is a bit of an embarrassing problem to ask but hopefully maybe one of you can help me. I have been with the bf for nearly 3 years. We have a child together who is nearly 2. Before the child, our sex life was normal and grand - no problems - no issues. After having the baby, I felt the bf lost attraction for me for a while, we weren't getting as well as we should have been and somehow we overcame this hurdle - it was an adjustment - it was his first child after all but not for me.Anyway now we are pretty much okay with each other again and have finally found a balance though things still aren't perfect - we are slowly healing our couple and well when we finally do get it on the sex doesn't feel like he is making love to me anymore. Its become a bit chore-like. He also rarely cums which is causing me to comfort eat during the week which I am trying to break away from doing. I feel like a failure cos its not that I don't do anything to turn him on either its just as if I start to feel that nothing I ever do for him is good enough even though it is and he tells me it is - I also have to ensure that I get it in quick enough or he goes soft...I asked him if he was scared to get me pregnant again - was that causing the blockage sexually and if it was making performance probs for him but any time I talk about this to him its like as if I am making the problem worse so now its caused me to clam up in silence - once he said kind of...and now he says no. I haven't had a period in 2 years as I am still amazingly nursing our son. I take a pill just to protect myself in case but he probably thinks I don't even though I tell him I do. I am not looking to get pregnant again and also I want us to be way better if I was to ever consider going down that road again!! Today I stupidly went to Facebook and saw him thumb his ex gf photo (I don't usually get this sensitive about stuff) but she was holding her adorable son (who is not his) so I wondered then if he missed her and wished he was back with her instead of being with me but thing is I don't want to feel insecure about him anymore just cos he never chose to marry me after all this time. His actions I feel are mixed up. One min is a great partner and the next is as cold as ice. Sometimes I feel I don't exist - he just doesn't even notice me cos of the kids. I told him all this and he said its not true he is still into me hence him still being around but what is bothering me about all this is if the sex is so-so does that mean we will ever heal?? for the last 3 times in a row he never came and I wanted to cry. I bottled it up and said nothing and cried in privacy. After all why should I embarrass the guy. I finally cracked then and told him whats up with that and he just then told me maybe its cos he is tired. Tired - yes possibly from a job. I get that but all the time??? I don't know - any ideas in how to fix this would be welcome and like I say am sorry to even ask. He is divorced twice and I never married. The marriage thing was never an issue for me until now. I feel I am getting old and well wish this relationship would just get good again. I know there are three rings in marriage, engagement, marriage and suffering but I feel we are doing things in reverse and have had all the suffering (mainly differences in opinion).
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divorce, ex girlfriend, facebook, his ex, insecure, notice me, period, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2013): Just keeping it real, maybe you should make the first move for improving your sex life with your partner. What are the actual problems? Is this because of insecurities? Have you tried keagal exercizes since the baby? Try acting less bored (what a chore) and get into it for yourself. If you're enjoying it, he's going to enjoy it as well.
A
male
reader, Boost  +, writes (17 September 2013):
There could be many factors that's causing the issue here. The fact that he rarely cums would suggest to me that he is concerned you will get pregnant again, you've said to him that it won't happen but what you need to understand is that words are not always something that will make things fine straight away. Speaking from personal experience with my ex the increased emphasis on the problem will only make matters worse as each time you bring up the problem will make him more anxious and make it worse. Kind of like premature ejaculation the more you worry the worse it gets. Personally I would say to take the emphasis off of full penetrative sex sex for a while. Don't show too little or too much affection as that could make it seem like you're distant or after sex constantly. I'd definitely cut out comfort eating and looking upset or miserable as that will not make you desirable. Basically what I'm saying is to make yourself look more appealing but don't go over the top. Maybe be more affectionate to him at night but don't have a goal set in sight. Make him feel relaxed and don't pressure. Also bear in mind men don't tend to talk about what's on their mind they sit and stew. My ex looked like she messed me around and I lost interest in her sexually. When she constantly brought it up it made me lack of interest worse we broke up a few weeks ago but in the last 5 months prior to that we had sex once and that was purely to stop her from complaining at me, so like I say the added emphasis to the problem will most certainly hinder. Good luck and I hope you get back on track soon
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (17 September 2013):
 Watizzit,... about you women (some of you... OP is one) that you will make yourself available for sex and for reproduction.... but YOU NEVER ASK THE MAN/SPERM DONOR to act as if he has any responsibility in anything????????
Guys love it that they can have $ex with you whenever they want... and making you pregnant is no more complex than having a hangover after a night of drinking.... and YOU (ladies) take responsibility for all that follows......
Who KNOWS if your "sex life" can - or will - improve???? But, what difference does it make to that man who is your $ex partner?????.... since he has all he wants, and who cares about you??????
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, babyzbird  +, writes (16 September 2013):
 I can understand your desire for comfort food but try picking healthier options to snack on. Like carrots sticks or a banana.Take care of yourself and pamper yourself. Style your hair in a way that flatters your face and wear clothes that make you feel good. Take that extra time to soak in the tub or do your nails. Try to keep your house clean and organized. Go for walks with your children.When I was on birth control pills I never had a period. Once you start taking care of yourself and your house is in good working order then you will become very attractive to your boyfriend. However their are a few issues you need to work out with him. The first issue is his Ex. Why is she on his facebook? I would never tolerate it. He needs to unfriend her especially since he seems to be keeping tabs on her. Second; does he plan to marry you? Are you able to accept that he will never ask for your hand in marriage? You need to communicate to him about this. Another thing is when he goes "cold" give him his space. Sometimes couples need their own space and it would be wise for the other partner to leave them alone for a little while. I hope everything works out for you.
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