A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Help, we need advice on what advice to give our daughter. Our daughter just turned 16, and we've finally allowed her to date. She has gone out on group things with both guys and girls, but we've just allowed her to 'single' car date. Problem is this guy she likes (he's already picked her up once) is older. He's 21, that's 5 years older. I'm real worried about the sexual pressure that an older guy will push. I know our daughter is going to make her own decisions, and my wife and I can only hope that our values and morals have somehow stuck in her head.Question is, my wife and I started dating when we were both 18. She was a virgin and had never 'been' with another guy. However, she was allowed to start dating when she was 15 and her first serious boyfriend was 20, 5 years older. He pressured her into doing things, I'm not going into details, but basically everything but actual sex. She has stated many times in our marriage (we're married 21 years) that she regrets doing that stuff with him and wishes she could have saved 'everything' for just me, her husband. She really wishes she never dated this older guy.Do we tell our daughter that we are very uncomfortable with her dating a guy 5 years older? How do we approach the 'sexual pressure' thing that we are worried about, I mean if she wanted to date a 16 year old, there would still be pressure, but not the same level as what a 21 year old is going to expect. Do we talk about my wife's experiences? Or maybe just in general and lie and say we know someone who did stuff that she wish she didn't but refuse to give a name? Thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): I am 15, and I have a relationship with a man who is almost 21. First off, don't tell her that he's just using her. It's not necessarily true and she'll just resent you for it. You have to tell her in a non-condescending way that this man may try to pressure her into having sex. She probably already knows the risk, but tries to forget about it. There is a chance that he will not do anything. He may genuinely have the respect for her to wait. In the end you have to remember that she will make her own choices, and she will learn from them. Men are a risk at a young age (or any age really) and she will appreciate your help if you speak to her like an adult, don't make it awkward, and whatever you do do not insult him to her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): I'm 15 years old myself and my mom allowed me to date a guy who was 18, only 3 years older. And, he pressured me into doing a lot of things with him. My mom had problems with him and tried keeping me away from him after just 3 weeks of us dating and I hated her for it. However, he did pressure me into things and now, I'm really glad I listened to my mom and stopped seeing him and wished I would've never dated him in the first place. I got used, and hurt horribly and I couldn't even imagine what a guy 3 years older than that, would try to get me to do.
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A
female
reader, xx-lilmiss-xx  +, writes (7 July 2011):
 HeyJust because there is a 5 year age gap doesnt matter at all! If theyre both happy, in my opinion go for it. I had the exact same relationship style with my current partner of 2 years - I'm 16, he's 21, and like you my parents didnt approve but when they met him and got to know him for the guy he really is they fell in love with him! Give this guy a chance, not all older guys are nasty and pressuring, yes you hear of it sometimes but just because other males have a bad reputation, he shouldnt be judged for that. I understand you are both concerned parents and only want the best for your little girl, but at the end of the day she's going to grow up sooner or later. If you say youve given your advice to her regarding safe sex, relationships etc etc, thats all you can do, because if you just cut him out of your daughters life she may possibly go and see him behind your back. And i dont know about you but id much prefer my daughter to be open and honest with me about these things so if any problems do arise, I could give my advice and help, not have her feel like she needs to keep it to herself and struggle alone with the issue because she's been keeping it a secret. Just keep an eye on her but let her have her personal space, if you can see something noticably wrong such as change in eating habbits, irritability, lack of concentration then have a one to one with the girl and make sure everythings ok. But ask to meet him first before making judgements, you might just end up liking the guy, you never know!I wish you all the best Lil
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (7 July 2011):
 I commend you for your concern and your attitude. Your comment “I know our daughter is going to make her own decisions, and my wife and I can only hope that our values and morals have somehow stuck in her head” is exactly which I hope and believe for my own daughters.
My daughter was 14 when she wanted to start seeing a guy who was 16. I had the same concerns. But I also knew that making it a power play was more likely to cause her to rebel. We expressed the concern to her about pressure, we strictly enforced her curfew, but otherwise backed off. We did try to make our home as inviting as possible, so that she would feel free to have him over and we would be there to help should she ever feel things were getting out of hand. Two years later he’s shown himself to be a quality guy and continues to treat her like gold.
One great parenting challenge is to want to help your kids avoid the mistakes we made, but that can only get you so far. Part of growing up is making mistakes and having regrets. We can’t shield them from it. The question of having your wife relate her experiences will depend to some extent on what their relationship is like; unless they are tremendously close and already very open with each other, I think it would do more harm than good. We are parents first, not friends. Had I been told something like that at 16, I would have brushed it off as something I was too smart to do – I knew it all then, as most people that age do.
To ease your mind a bit, I had a gal friend in high school who was in your daughter’s shoes – the guy may even have been a bit older. Thirty years later they are still happily married, and empty nesters to boot. It can work out OK. Just let your daughter know what your expectations are, and that regardless you’re both there for her.
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male
reader, freeme +, writes (7 July 2011):
 Wow. I really can't speak from experience on any of this, as i don't have a daughter. However, there is NO WAY I'd permit her to go out with someone that age if I did.
Frankly, I would suggest you skip her and talk to him directly. In all honesty, you ought to make the guy look you in the eye and be sure he understands the consequences for laying his hands on your daughter.
Seriously, sir, you are a man. What does a 21 year old have in common with a 16 year old? Why does he want to date your daughter?
Just skip the stuff about your wife, and stop this because you are the parents, and she will abide by your rules. She'll thank you for it in 20 years.
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A
female
reader, Ima FreAk! +, writes (7 July 2011):
 Hiyaaaaa,Firsly build a very strong relationship with your daughter, a very strong relationship that it's almost like you guys are friends. Talk about relationships be open. The problem with most parents is that they are embarass to talk about relationships and they shouldn't be because there is nothing wrong with learning from other people mistakes and learn about relationships in general. And hoping from your pain your daughter can understand what relationships are like. Honestly let it out, on relationships pour out your past and she will honestly see how much pain it's been for your wife and all of that. Get your wife involved too!Don't be to strict on her because I've noticed this... for example you know some parents are quite strict "No talking to boys" and all that but in fact they rebel against their parents covertly and end up having boyfriends secretly and that is way worse to be a parent and having your daughter lying that she isn't in a relationship when she is.Secondly meet the dude! Don't pummel him into a pulp! But just get to know him on a friendly terms so you guys can get close because not all older guys are toe rags. Some are quite nice and geninue and surprising in fact (obviously a good surprise).Thirdly I know this sounds really harsh but if wants to date the older guy, and you know would rebel, then let her date this guy because there is no point controlling someone who doesn't like to be controlled. Sometimes people learn through mistakes not others and it has a greater affect so let her date but say it on a conditional thing like "You can date this guy but don't have sex, you promise?" and if she yes yhhh. This is where the building up relationship really helps because she can tell you everything kinda thing.Sorry about the EXTREMELY longggggggggggggggggg advice looooool!Hope my advice helps and enjoy!Good luck!Lots of love,Ima FreAk!x
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (7 July 2011):
 I would not share the details of the past experience. That is your wives private past. That would create a whole awkward situation and divert you from your REAL task at hand.
Instead, talk about your EXPECTATIONS of her when dating.
Talk about what you expect of the boys she dates and TELL the boy too!
Go back to the old school rules where parents had to meet a boy before giving persmission to date and give you approoval on a case by case basis.
Make sure she is well prepared for any situation that does come up. You are right, a 16 yo boy can pressure just as much, if not more, than a 21 yo boy.
Give her the "equipment" emotionally, mentally and physically to handle situations if they come up.
Encourage her to speak up and have a plan if a date makes her uncomfortable. That is a valuable life skill!
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