A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:question: how do you handle a situation in which you learn information about a partner that upsets you, but can't approach them about it because of the way in which you learned the info?for instance, reading a girlfriend's journal and finding something you don't like, OR, snooping on their e-mails and finding something you don't like. Do you just let it be? Do you approach them, knowing you'll get in trouble too for snooping? MY CURRENT PROBLEM:I was on my GF's facebook account yesterday, and saw her chat history with this guy friend of hers. they have been friends for maybe six years and she kissed him once a while back (that's all she told me, at least). they talk everyday because both work at offices that allow them to be online all day. in the chat history he was asking her what she thought of his picture and if it was cute, she said yes. hours later, while i was in her account, the guy messaged her telling her: "you're cuuuuuuute".it sounds juvenile, but it really pisses me off and i want to talk to her about it, but it seems that i can't because, well, i was snooping. any advice on how to talk to her about this? thanks....
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the responses.I don't believe she is cheating, and i don't believe she ever would, unless she was drunk.........which is a different issue (her drinking)..........Their exchange about calling each other cute, in my mind, is considered flirting, and i consider flirting of any kind to be off limits outside our relationship. that is the respect i show her, and what i expect in return.My problem with this particular guy is that he is who she goes to if we have a fight or if i am not around. the talk all day during work hours. what bothers me is that this is the first chat of theirs i have seen, as the usually talk through AIM, not facebook. if they are talking so much, why should i believe there is more of this "innocent" flirting going on?Plus, I know she kissed him once, and that there was time he liked her, and that he has always been a little flirtacious with her. To top this off, i have never met him. i have been dating this girl for 16 months and if they are such good friends why hasn't she made an effort to introduce us and hang out? it just increases my suspicions and again, we live together and i don't know how she could be cheating, but this past month or so i have been away a lot on work, and though she hasn't said she has seen this guy while i've been gone, i haven't flat out asked her either.Thanks for the help, I agree this particular incident is in the long run harmless, but what it represents is so much more, in my eyes.
A
female
reader, MommyOfOne +, writes (7 January 2009):
 I completely agree with Too Sensitive...to a point.I don't know how I would personally approach this situation. I am strongly against snooping. I find it very disrespectful of your relationship and to your partner. Let me use your situation as an example... Personally, I think it was harmless. I don't find that as flirting at all. He asked her to let him know what she thought of a picture, she said it was cute, he told her she was cute... Hate me if Im wrong, but I just don't see anything wrong there. What is wrong with a compliment? Is it possible that you are feeling a little jealous of thier relationship because it has something that your relationship with her is lacking? Could that be a possibility?In all honesty, this is so small and so innocent that I would leave it alone. If you really, truly MUST talk to her about this, I would either do what Too Sensitive recomended, or, bypass the fact that you read the email, and just ask about her relationship with this friend. For example: "Tell me about John Doe. What is your relationship with him?" Listen to what she says and go from there.Has she ever made you believe she was cheating? A Lot of people don't believe that a man and a woman can be friends and only friends. But it IS possible. You have to trust her though. After all...who is she coming home to every night?
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A
female
reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (7 January 2009):
I think no matter what you will need to bring this up with your gf, b/c otherwise it will forever be in the way, always there lurking in the background, until it is dealt with.
You can preface it by admitting that you realize what you did (snooping) was wrong, but...you did what you did, you can't change that, and in the process you discovered some things about her that you thought were wrong, or that you didn't like, that didn't sit quite right with you.
I would not be happy if I were you either! Some people would think what's she's doing is harmless flirting, and that's fine, but I am not of the mindset that flirting is acceptable when you are already involved with someone else. It can send the wrong message and open up a can of unacceptble worms. It can put someone in a difficult circumstance that they should have tried to avoid in the firstplace. There is no place for flirting outside your own relationship, as far as I'm concerned. Some will call me a prude, I don't care. That's how I feel about it. With so much infidelity and cheating going on in the world, how can you blame anyone for feeling that way?
What has happened up to this point is probably harmless, but it doesn't make you feel that way, and you have a right to bring up your feelings and your concerns to your gf. How might she feel if the shoe were on the other foot?
No matter how you found out, you did find out, bottom line. This is an issue that needs to be discussed, so there are boundaries within your relationship that you are both in agreement on, and that you both understand and follow. Good luck.
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