A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone.I need some help!This is a very mixed up situation and I am having a very, very hard time walking away from it. I know what I have to do but I just cannot seem to pull the trigger. And emotionally it is tearing me apart, even though I think I am a strong person. I have been strong for a long time but I am not sure how much more I can put myself through. I am always smiling but behind the smile is a broken heart. I am so tired of being strong.I have fallen for my personal trainer. We are friends but I am a client also. I have been his client for two years. We are intimate with each other (not physically but in our conversations), there is flirting and I believe an attraction on his end as well as mine. I see him a few times a week for an hour each session and we spend a lot of alone time together. When the attraction first started, he was not seeing anyone. But when I told him how I felt he told me how beautiful and great I was but that he started seeing someone. I was really surprised because I thought he was really into me. I truly thought we shared an emotional connection. But maybe it was just me.I am getting amazing results from going to him. I have tried to walk away more than once only to return. I convinced myself I could handle just a friendship with him and put my feelings aside because he was giving me such great results. I had a hard time walking away from all the hard work I put in with him and the almost perfect body I now have because of all this hard work and because of his training me. He also gives me a better rate than any trainer out there. So, the price factor also plays a big role in my staying with him as a client.He has helped me through some difficult times and was a shoulder to cry on. As I am still going through a transition, I am still relying on him for emotional support. I have gone through a divorce and have essentially lost everything. I have been feeling alone and defeated even though I know the divorce was the right decision for me. I really thought he was going to be there for me at the end of it all. But it turns out that he isn't. I am feeling like if I leave I will be a mess because he seems to be an an anchor in my life. And has been all along. I am afraid I will feel even more alone and devastated if I walk away from this situation. I deeply care about him and want to be with him. I told him I will not play second best to his girlfriend and to stop flirting with me because if he is in a relationship he should not be acting single... Out of respect for me and his girlfriend, I told him to stop stringing me along. Yet even though I have told him, he still does it. He knows exactly where I stand because I was never afraid to be honest. But he has never come out and said anything. He has his days where he is really hot and then goes really cold. It is a constant roller coaster ride. And it is very difficult to put up with. I am paying him and yet he is doing this to me. I know, I am allowing it. But even after I told him where I stand, he still does it. In his words, it is because he is being "friendly." I told him it crossed the line from friendly ages ago. He did not refute it. He said nothing in return. He has done and said so many things that led me to believe he really liked me. It was not my imagination or wishful thinking. I would not delude myself that way. Trust me on this. Some days I can handle it and we talk and joke and get along well together. Other days I cannot handle it and get mad at him and I barely say a word to him and vise versa. So, it can become very awkward.I don't want to keep going and getting myself in deeper. He will probably never leave his girlfriend for me. He seems to be using me for the ego boost, a feel good flirtation, wanting to make sure I keep coming back so that he keeps getting paid. I know the real deal. I am not naive. If he really liked me, he would no longer be with her. But I am having a hard time making that final decision and sticking with it.So, how does one choose between their physical well being and their emotional well being? In this case, they are conflicting. I am in the best shape of my life physically but in the worst shape of my life emotionally. How do you choose? I am so stuck! All I know is I cannot go on crying every single day and feeling so down and going through this up and down ride of emotions. I really value myself enough not to do this to myself but am I strong enough to let go?? Because deep down I know the pain is going to be so much worse for awhile. And deep down I know if I walk away, he won't follow me. :( If anyone can give me some direction on what to do, I would love to hear it. Thank you. :)
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (7 November 2012):
You have 2 years of experience under your belt, so by now you can probably do all the exercises in their proper form blindly. You don't need him to maintain this awesome bod you have. It's time to write all those routine cycles down and start training more on your own and less with him.
If going cold turkey is too hard, ease out of it. If you'd see him 3 times a week for example, make it 2, then once a week, once every two weeks, etc. etc. While doing this make a point of maintaining your regular training at home. This way you'll keep the structure in your life and the transition won't be so hard.
He's not the anchor in your life. Most of those fears are just figments of your mind. You let them fester because you want to indulge in the infatuation you have. But deep down you know you'll manage just fine without him. It just means coming to terms that this man will never offer what you want from him: love and a relationship.
Look, he's not truly interested in you. Once you get that through your head and really acknowledge and accept this, you'll see how easy it is to walk away. He's a player. He ticks all the requirement boxes.
Now, I don't believe that all personal trainers are ruthless manipulators of the heart because such a business approach is counterproductive in the end, as evidenced by your situation. He should lose you as a client because of the way things are now.
You have all the tools you need to keep in tip top shape. You don't need him. You've gotten everything there is to get from him. Now all that is left are the things he can't give you. So let go.
Meet with other men, socialize, get that part of your life going again. And then your mind will become the way your body looks and feels.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2012): Men like this are PLAYERS. Would you really want to be with a man who flirts like this behind his girlfriend's back??? Do you realize that if he is flirting with you, then he is also flirting with his other female clients to keep their business??? He might as well wear a G string and solicit some tips!! He is like a male prostitute and like another poster said you are paying him for his time, without the sex. But I am sure he would willingly go for it if you wanted to. Who is to say he has not already had sex with other clients? There is a strong possibility he has.This guy is a sleaze. He preys on women for their money. You sound like a nice person. You can do much better than him. I am sure his current relationship will fizzle out sooner or later once his girlfriend finds out his true colours if she does not already. A guy like this is always going to straddle the line with female clients. You would always, always have trust issues with this sort of a guy. Some women just put up with the shit. Others don't. You seem to have enough self respect to be one of the ones who know they deserve better.Join another gym. Hire another trainer, a female trainer, if you like working with trainers. But the best thing for you would be to get out of that environment and get out meeting new people. Stop wasting your time on this loser. His "relationship" with you wreaks of a paid after taste..
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (6 November 2012):
 I suspect if you've been using a personal trainer for the past 2 years you already know how to do the exercises without assistance. You know all the warm up moves, you know how long to work out, and what moves work for your body. People initially go to a trainer to learn how and what to do. You've learned that a long time ago. You've been going for the emotional attachment and the sexual chemistry you feel for him. He makes you feel grounded because he is part of a routine you have developed when you craved something normal in an otherwise rocky life. However you are clearly being used to further his ego. He has a girlfriend, meaning he had his shot at you and he did nothing. And he has still done nothing. He enjoys the fact that you are attracted to him, but he has a girlfriend, make no mistake he is still with her out of choice. No one is holding a gun to his head. So I think the best thing you can do, is to stop training with him. Take the money you would be paying him, and spend it on some exercise equipment at home and find other avenues for social activity so you are open to the possibility of meeting a man who is available to you. This guy is not available. He may know how to flirt, but he also knows how to keep his distance. He knows how to give you a few bread crumbs each time you are there, that's how he gets his money. It's part trainer, part charisma. But he also knows how to get into his car and drive home to his girlfriend at the end of his shift and crawl into bed with her too. You are being played and you are paying for it to boot. It's time to give this guy his walking papers. Why keep yourself tethered to someone who is never going to be anything more? You're wasting your time. Exercise at home, then take your hot body out there and find someone new. Good luck!! You can do it!!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 November 2012):
 and this is why I always use women trainers.
the goal of a good trainer is to teach you to do it yourself so you don't need to spend the money to stay with them.
and a good male trainer is going to be a great flirt... it's part of their job... even my female trainer and I flirt sometimes... and talk intimately...
and the male trainers at the gym I used to go to... they flirted with me too...it's part of the personality package needed to be a trainer.
stop being his client and watch all that attention disappear.
you pay him to be with you... sort of like prostitution only no sex involved.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): My sister hooked up with her personal trainer too. It's very common. She looked amazing and he knew it. Its a sales pitch. He strokes your ego and you keep going back. Its not genuine, you need to accept that before you will leave.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): He is flirting with you by day and banging her by night. Wow, he sounds like a real prize! It is a classic case of cake and eat it too syndrome. Not uncommon for men. It is up to you to put a stop to it. You do know what to do. You sound like a smart woman. You just need to do it now. Men like this will not change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): What is it with women and their personal trainers? Don't you know better that this is what they do, those cute personal trainers and cute bartenders, for me it's the same category, they flirt with you to keep you coming back. That's all it is. Especially at your age when we start aging and male attention is not that obvious anymore this is when we are in need for personal trainers. They target our group age in GYMs offering their services. They don't come up to younger women, they come up to 40 something women, because they know!
This is just part of their business, your guy knew exactly what he was doing. I don't know why you got hooked on that. It never crossed your mind that you are just in for a ride, so you can keep paying him, and keep his income going?
Its all about money and business, it has nothing to do with him being your so called friend. He is not attracted to you and he is not your friend.
Friends don't lead their friends on pretending to be just a tiny bit in love so you would keep on bringing him your money.
He did his job well though, you are in great shape. So, now it's time to be a grown up, smart woman and evaluate situation how it is. Either you keep him as a good trainer and nothing else, or if you can't handle it just walk away and start taking care of our emotionAl well being.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 November 2012):
 Ok been there done that!! Not with a personal trainer but with someone who I gave my attention to for 6 years.
He was flirty fun physical, a good listener etc but...he was not into me as much as I was into him.
I know what that longing feels like and how frustrating and upsetting it can be.
I think you are going through that bargaining stage, weighing up everything you have said, it looks like you are really having to convince yourself to walk away as you have gotten a little dependant on this guy, but he is playing with your emotions...and some guys really like to do that.
It's quite unprofessional of him to be so flirtatious and string clients along, despite him calling 'friends' he knows exactly what he is doing and he is getting a buzz out of it.
You have to really ask yourself what kind of guy would have a girlfriend and yet be so over familiar with another woman?...an egoist? a cheater? a player?
I think it's an interesting dilemma to have to choose between the body and mind...the body is certainly easier to tackle than the mind and if you know there is no hope, all that is left is the inevitable severing of the liason and choosing the right time to do so.
You just need to decide on a time to quit...that's what I did.
I begged him on several occasions to not contact me, I told him how much it was hurting me but he always came around. Finally I took the step to change numbers, and e-mail, affirming to myself that this wasn't about him, but about me and my sanity and my healing process.
Eventually you will have enough of the pain and you will find the strength to walk away, but sometimes the actual time is chosen for you...
It feels better once you have taken the leap, hard to believe and not without some bitter after taste but positive and life enhancing and healing.
As the saying goes, pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice.
I hope you feel better soon x
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