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*erokiya
writes:I must have done everything wrong that I could do in regard to my ex-wife. Even though she is now in a rebound relationship with the man she was secretly seeing for several months. The affair has brought out the worst in me. I know I wasn't the one who cheated. She lied and lied until I found concrete proof that she was seeing another man. Since then, she has been very mean, very defensive. I realize now that I should have left her alone. But impulsive me, in my weak moments, I would text mesage her; either professing my love for her and telling her how much I missed her, I even contacted hr bf on facebook and even there i was attacking, it all blew up in my face. I think my actions even brought them closer together. I realize now, too late, that I should never have been involved in a war of words with her, many hurtful things were said on both sides. I ended up alone, feeling awful. I have our children with me, they are teens now. this exposing of her lies happened in february, when i last slept with her, she was still lying to me. Anyway i have eased off on my communication with her, it always comes back to why she left me,"I left you nine months ago, you just didn't know it." or it was "you never loved me, i was living thru hell!"how am I to undo the past? Does anyone have a time machine? I cannot change how it went with us. I took her back 9 years ago because of the kids. I admit we had our share of bad times, but also some great times. So how do I undo the damage I did by keeping contact with her, mostly facebooking and texting? She did want to talk with me last week in person, and then her Bf decided to show her the text messages I sent to him (In my defense, it was a hurtful response aimed at him because he got on her cell and texted me and taunted me so i lashed out by saying stuff like "enjoy my sloppy seconds, she's this she's that..) Well that came back to my ex and she went right back attacking me, called me every name in the book and immediately called off our planned meeting, without him knowing about our meeting. my guess is that she's already tiring of him as most rebound relationships tend to fizzle out once the affair is exposed and the honeymoon ends. But I f'kd it all up because I should have known that her Bf would have eventually showed her the text message.Well since then, i've stopped sending anything nasty, in fact i sent him a text via facebook (i don't know his cell number) and apologized for my outburst. and that she wasn't those things i said. I'm still hurt, the kids are still hurt. we were basically abandoned by her emotionally. Since Christmas she was here a day and a half. when i ask her when is she going to visit our family she says'I'll visit them anytime I f**kng want I dont' need you to tell me when to visit my kids!" So its that kind of hostility I have to contend with these days. I spoke to my sister in law, actually my ex's brothers' ex wife, we have become quite close and share a lot, idk if there's a future there, today and when she seen my ex at a family picnic, she was cold and distant to her. She basically looked miserable. Before, they were great friends and allies when family troubles arose. Now i met my ex when she was 16, she lied and told me she was 18 but i had already fallen in love with her. she has a dynamic personality, very beautiful, but came from a very dysfuntional family, hints of incest, she was raped twice before i met her. she had troubles with alcohol even before i met her. we have 5 kids and 2 grandbabies. nowadays she acts like shes' 14, guess she's trying to relive her lost youth. the guy she's with is not much to look at and she introduces him merely as "this is '''" and not my bf or 'my fiance' as she's posted on facebook. I'm reading books on codependency, one on addiction to relationships and doing alot of praying and trying to stop the negative thoughts. my worst ones are imagining them having sex, so nights and weekends are the worst. I overanalyze things too much and then I start to stir myself up. When I do miss her so badly, I dig out some photos I had taken of her when we were making love. Sex was frequently what got us through the tense times. Is it wrong to masturbate to pictures of your ex? am i causing myself more damage in the long run? sometimes I will look at amateur couples online having sex and pretend it's the two of them! having sex. In some weird way it bring a sense of pleasure to me, maybe it's an attempt at control, my own issues. I've never willing shared her with anyone, in fact I used to get jealous of her contacting her ex.So, i'm sorry if my story's all over the place, but I really want to know from you guys and girls and aunties out there, what should I do from her on in? I miss her so much still and even now i'm tempted to txt her just to say 'hello'. I want to stop torturing myself. they say you should leave your ex alone to let her sort out her thoughts and give her a chance to let her miss you and that i've been only aggravating this situation. i don't want to come across as needy and pathetic anymore. I want my dignity back, if that's posssible. Any suggestions? I would be happy to get honest feedback, suggestions, someguy been in a similar situation with their exes and reversed the process? Please help me!!
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affair, christmas, ex-wife, facebook, fiance, her ex, incest, jealous, my ex, sister in law, text Reply to this Question
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reader, lerokiya +, writes (24 November 2010):
lerokiya is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni'm the original person who asked for advice/input and i thank you for posting/replying. it has been a trying experience for me as a person. i'm still a single parent, my children live with me. i am the sole provider for my family. my exwife still lives an hour away. her bf, the affair partner, works in the next province. my exwife doesn't visit our children unless he is there and most times it's to take them out for pizza or a movie. the kids are allowed to phone her whenever they want. i repeatedly asked her to come visit for the weekend, alone and she could make arrangements or even stay here and i can stay next door at my aunts' house. she makes excuses not to come. she texts and asks about the kids. my problem is that i get suckered into chatting with her and we end up reminiscing, laughing, and joking with each other. then when her bf gets back from work, 1 week a month, the communication from her stops. thats how i know he's back. i know i'm stupid to allow myself to start chatting with her. she is selfish and self centered. she doesn't consider my feelings, hardly ever did. i took her back ten years ago when she left an abusive relationship. and now it seems like she's well on her way to another abusive relationship. she allows him to screen her cell texts, he determines where she can go. she's quit working and just stays home like a dog, waiting til he comes back. i texted her the other day and he replied and started blasting me, saying i have no manners or respect for their relationship. lol. this coming from a man who snuck around and basically courted my wife when she went to live with her son from a previous relationship. this is when they started to seriously court each other. this man is also 16 years her senior. she is 40. when he gets back from work she basically turns her personality into a very nasty witch. she tells me to fuck off, that she's with a man who buys her whatever she wants and is the greatest lover, blah blah...then when he leaves for work, its like her personality changes back. what am i dealing with here? it's frustrating, and i know i should stop contact with her. simple as that. but that's the heart of the matter. it's very hard for me to do so. it's like i have no other interest in other females. what do you guys/girls think? i can take any advice at this point.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): I am going through the same thing as you accept I haven't contacted all of but once. And then I told her she was a slut. Which I regret. It really hurts I know! Did she stay with him by the way?
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reader, rcn  +, writes (3 May 2010):
 Your follow up, in a way proved what I stated before with her mental condition. It's not your fault and their is nothing anyone can really do that doesn't include psychiatric treatment. It may be difficult, but the best thing to do is ignore her texts. Don't argue back. If you do say something, just say, "nice to hear from you, have a wonderful day." This would throw her off, and make it not as much fun for her, not getting a rise from you.
Remember this, her statements toward you are driven by turmoil. They can only effect you if you allow them to.
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reader, lerokiya +, writes (3 May 2010):
lerokiya is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your response. I have been taking alot of similar advice regarding my Ex. trying to focus on myself now and my family. Ex has been trying to create friction with my kids and me. she still won't visit, still involved with her bf, the one she cheated on me with.She txts to let me know how much she still hates me. I've been spending alot of time with my sister in law (My Exes' brother's Exwife). She found out that we had a family picnic, hers and mine. We had alot of fun. My friend is one of the most gentle, caring women I have met and we've been helping each other with our mutual breakups with the brother and sister. Anyway, My Ex found out and was furious, suggested that I should start dating my friend. I dont' understand the anger, I'm guessing she wanted me to stay miserable, keep chasing her as I did initially and all the while reminding me that she is happy and keeps trying to put me down as a father and how i didn't treat her right in the past...I do still think of her and I do miss her, but I don't miss the lies and the nastiness. It's like she has regressed back to a teenager and has the emotions of a teen. what do u guys think is going on? or should i even care what she's thinking?
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reader, rcn +, writes (27 April 2010):
We have all had these moments of weakness, and confusion. It's extremely difficult when someone we love and have history with decides a path that does not include us, as it once did.
I'm not saying her choice was the right one, and I won't say if her choice is one that she'll regret. What I do want to get through is that if you truly love her, you'll give her space and allow her to make her choices. I wouldn't doubt it if her choices are at least partially driven by the affect of the incest and rape. Often people who have these experiences allow the "trauma" to drive their direction, in a way that is considered abnormal. Even so, it's still her decision on weather or not to seek treatment.
You have children. Enjoy them. You are now a single father. Be there for your kids and start living in the moment of being a single father. They need you. You said their mom emotionally abandoned them. Do you think it's emotionally beneficial where you're stuck in what once was as well. You place now is to be there for them and to assure them that their mom's behavior is not their fault. They need to know that whether or not mom returns, your family is going to be okay.
Today need to be about the family you have at home. I'm a single parent, so my life has taken turns that I would not have chose at the time, but I am blessed to be here with them now, at this moment and watching and taking part in their growth. You can't decide for what she does, but you can decide for what you do.
If you send her a message, I'd simply say, "I'm sorry for the trouble I brought to you and _____________. I accept and will respect the choice that you have made. You'll remain in my heart, and I wish you the best for your future."
Short, simple and dignified. When she sees that you're stepping back, she may or may not want to talk. What you do there is up to you. What you don't want is to be placed in a position where you end up where you are now. I hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2010): Get counseling for yourself and your children and try to move on.
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