A
female
age
51-59,
*ioletSparkle
writes:I need some help to turn down a guy nicely, please suggest what is the best thing to do. We meet at least twice a week at work, and we might have clients in common, so I'd like to stay on friendly basis. He has been sending mixed messages for several months, he asked me a few times to go out alone with him (it was never clear if on dates or what) but never tried to spend time with me, never called me on the phone or chat, we went out twice and he looked bored out of his mind, he mentioned a few times that he was out looking for girls, and added one my prettiest friends on facebook as his contact. (may I say "yuck"?) I was trying to see him as an acquaintance, because we have common friends too, but after a particularly lousy evening yesterday in which he was as "non-romantic" as possible, and depressingly unmannered, today he tells me that he likes me and couldn't we go out on a real date. The way he told me shocked me very much, because first he accused me of something imaginary with an sms at 3 am, and after I answered that I was unaware of having done that he wrote "I forgive you" and then he proceeded to say that he liked me, and that I hadn't really said anything so bad. I see this as manipulation, and I am very scared, also if I reject him he can actually damage me at work if he wants to, so how do I turn him down with a nice excuse? I was thinking of being honest and say that I am taking a break from dating because I seem to attract mostly men with an anger problem or other dysfunctional behavior, and maybe cry a little, but on second thoughts that might make him even more angry. How do I get rid of him but remain polite to each other?
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female
reader, JaneSmith2012  +, writes (14 May 2012):
 Glad to know that you found my reply useful :) ... Even the scene that he created at the bar is a blessing in disguise since two other colleagues are also witness to the incident .. if he does something like this tomorrow at your workplace be rest assured that you will not be blamed ... Good luck for your future and your career :)
A
female
reader, VioletSparkle +, writes (14 May 2012):
VioletSparkle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey, thank you for your reply, it is very useful indeed- the guy speeded up things by disappearing on the day of the appointment, and writing 10 minutes before the time set for it where we should meet (!) - I told him I had other plans, and he came to another place where he knew I would be, and when set him aside and told him that he had showed very little respect he started yelling at me, in a bar and in front of two friends also from work, that it was me who stood him up and should have called him, (even if I did leave a message at 11 in the morning) and when I asked him what I could I do to make him happier he said that I should apologize for real (!) and reschedule (!!!!) this guy is crazy... at least others saw him as well, and volunteered to have a "man to man" talk with him if he started bad mouthing me.
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A
female
reader, JaneSmith2012 +, writes (13 May 2012):
In case you find my reply irrelevant or hurtful pls ignore them .. Considering that he's a colleague whom you bump into frequently at office due to common clients , dont cut off your communication totally ..Since you've made a descision to stop seeing this guy ,politely refuse to hang out with him alone ..But if you guys are hanging out together as a gang along with your common friends then preferably dont avoid such outings as this may take a toll on YOUR social life and your relationship with your other friendsIf he confronts you directly asking you why you arent keen on hanging out with him ..then i feel its better to come clean and tell him that you dont have any feelings for him .. Tell him that you want to maintain a platonic relationship with him ... Or if you feel that being honest with him is not the best option then, say that you have some other engagement to attend to .Invent some pretext like a family dinner that you have to attend or a shopping spree that you have descided to indulge in with a friend(make sure she's not a common friend)..Preferably dont hang out with him unless and otherwise absolutely necessary.. Later whenever you meet him say a friendly hi/hello but remain cool.. In case you both land up in the same assignment by any chance then dont betray any emotion .. Cooperate well with him at work ..Converse with him whenever necessary but keep your communication polite ,firm and professional .. Avoid asking him questions like what he does after work or is going to do for the weekend , or any other thing which might lead him to ask you out...And lastly dont be anxious about him getting angry about this issue .. Frankly speaking he needs to be more clear about whether or not he wants to be in a relationship .. Besides sending a false accusatory message at wee hours of morning and forgiving you for something that you are not involved in at all ,indicates that his maturity levels arent high enough not to mention attitude problems.. So if he's getting angry or is bad mouthing you at workplace clearly ignore him .. He may try to create a scene temporarily but if he's as confused and "unmannered" as you have stated then he clearly wont be able to hide this aspect of his personality from everyone for long.. Hope this helps ...Good luck for your future
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