A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:When I was 12, I found out that I was the unfortunate result of my mother's adultery. My "dad" was disappointed and extremely disturbed by it. Growing up I had always felt different and I was never given the love I felt my 2 half sisters were and it all made sense.. he must have known it all along.. deep inside he knew I was not his kid. To cut the long story short.. as my previous post was flagged as distressing... I ended being sexually abused.. by my "dad" and his friends. He lost his job.. my mum started working and everyday till I was 15 this happened. At 15 I went off to live with my grandma.. the only person who believed and cared. BUt, she ended up getting sick and bed-ridden. I took care of her as much. But.. everything started again when my "dad"found out I was basically alone.. I finally managed to get out when I was 17 and my grandma died.. I stayed on because I loved her dearly and she was the only one whom I could talk to. My sisters did not believe me and one even turned to drugs.. I'm guessing she knew what went on and did not want to believe it... Anyway I left at 17.. studies.. worked..put myself through uni and now even have a great job. My druggie sis passed on last year from cancer.. and the "family" reconciled after the funeral.. my "dad" did apologise to me in private.. but.. recently i got stuck alone with him and i literally felt like a 12 year kid again.. paralyzed with fear and let him have his way... my issue is this - lying became the norm for me to cover up bruises.. and I also made up stories growing to make it seem like i Had the perfect family to my school mates... I felt it necessary to lie to protect myself in many way. To my "dad"to my mum.. so people around me. 2 years back I met a guy online. I fell in love.. but I lied so much to him .. not cuz i wanted to... it jsut came naturally.. I felt i was protecting myself because it was an online relationship. I even said my parents died when i was 12 because I did not want him to think cheaply of me. Recently he found out my parents are alive .. and I did not tell him about the one living sister.. and he found out about her too. HE thinks I'm nothing but a sham. But .. the feelings.. the love EVERYTHING else was true. My personality the amount of love i have to give .. everything.. I want to be able to tell him everything because he is asking for the truth. But I am ashamed. So ashamed. I tried telling him in the past I was abused.. he believe and felt my pain.. but I did not tell him details and how.. and now he thinks even that is a lie... how do I bring myself to tell the truth? What if he becomes so disgusted with me? I knwo I need professional help.. but I want answers now.. I just need to get my best friend back... the only person I feel I can love... I am down .. and feel unsettled.. pls help me ..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2012): I have been in your shoes. Abused by two of my close relatives. Its horrible and it hardly ever goes out of your memory.
About an year ago, i told my partner about it. He was shocked to say the least but he took it in a stride and helped me get over it. I used to think lowly of myself because of these incidents. Sometimes talking 2 d right guy really helps. I hope it happens the same way for you.
Talk to him only if you are sure about it, if you are sure he loves you for who you are. Otherwise, understanding is hard to come by..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question... Thank you for everything.. I just really wanted to say that. Aii.. thing is.. even my mum was a victim... she obviously has issues and I don't blame her... just a bit maybe.. .. I don't know really... I love her.. .. I will talk to someone.. thank you all again.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 June 2012):
 Dear OP,
Please listen to all of us old wise aunties... and seek professional help to work through the trauma you have been through.
You sound very strong and brave and you are lovable. Do not doubt yourself.
Find a good therapist that specializes in abuse... know that therapy is HARD but worth it... I believe just from your posting here that you are quite able to handle it now...
as for your young man, WHEN you are ready, the right man will love you regardless of the horrors you suffered as a child.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2012): I read your story and I became distressed: why? Because I believe that Your Mother condoned your abusers actions. Your Mother should be held accountable for her actions and for her blatant inability to protect her minor child (meaning you).OP I KNOW you will get genuine advice here by the Aunts. I know that they will try to help you. Your story makes me to want to protect you and want to inflict on those bloody adults who damaged you, this includes your mother. So OP after you get your professional help I want you to confront your mother regarding:Her adultery and the result thereof: YouHer deliberate actions of not protecting you when you were a mere kidHer turning a blind eye to the wrongdoing.Right now your mother must take a lot of blame for your childhood trauma. She needs to account for her actions.OP you are now an adult and its time to clean house: remove toxic people from your life. This includes your mother and "father".As for the online guy, write him a letter. You have nothing to lose. Your lies needs to stop though. Perhaps you should refer him to this specific website??? This may also assist you. Show him our responses. OP I hate lies. I don't condone abuse. I firmly believe that we all are accountable for our actions. Adults who have this position of trust and who abuse the very people that they were supposed to love and protect are actually lower than the lowest of the human race.OP your story is not unique: more and more people are now coming forth with evidence of abuse due to their parentage. This is an eye opening warning to women trying to pass of a kid as your husbands/partners. They men retaliate against these defenceless kids when they find out of the resultant affair and the evidence of the affair (a child). Women who deliberately hoodwink these men who later abuse the kid, is actively condoning and giving carte blance for the abuse. These women need to face the full might of the law because they actively perpetrate this (yes I know I have made very strong statement but these are my feelings)OP you have taken the first step of rectifying a traumatic childhood and beyond. Now slowly push on and conquer your demons. Even if this guy and you don't work out, you will have found yourself that that is a greater victory. Stay strong. LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (21 June 2012):
 It was a really huge step for you to tell your story. Hopefully in time you'll feel ready to talk about it more in a safe environment with a therapist who you trust. You don't need to blurt it all out in your first session unless you want to - you wait until you have a comfortable and trusting relationship. I promise you that it will help you. I feel really sad that you've had to manage on your own since you were 17 - that must be terribly lonely. You don't have to cope with this on your own and there are people out there in the world who do care and who will help you. You need to ask for help though. Please never ever feel ashamed of yourself. I send you a virtual hug.
Take care of yourself x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you Mike, Daisy and C. Grant... .. I've just been feeling very unsettled and lost.. and thank u ... I really thank you .. I really .. was just seeking comfort.. truth is I've Never before today said this out to anyone.. and I'm thankful for those who did not judge thank u ..
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 June 2012):
 You said yourself you need to seek professional help and we agree. You need to love yourself before you worry about whether someone else loves you. Baby steps.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (21 June 2012):
 The others are correct - you will benefit greatly from the help of a qualified professional. And the sooner the better.
The good guys I know all love to play the role of 'knight in shining armour'. We want to give our girl a big hug, make everything better, and do bad things to anyone who hurt her. It sounds like your bigger hurdle with this guy is getting him to believe you, since he's already got some doubts about your truthfulness. Chances are he'll be willing and able to help once he's convinced you're giving him the straight goods.
You've had a terribly raw deal so far in life. Please get the appropriate help so that you can move past it.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 June 2012):
 If you have to ask this question, you really do need professional help, please do go do the best thing for your future. Be well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have managed ... since I was 17 ... i just need to know.. if you were him... would you be able love someone like me?
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (21 June 2012):
You have nothing to feel ashamed about. What happened in your childhood is not your fault. No one can condemn you for covering up the past because no one has been in your shoes. It may not be possible to 'mend' things with your boyfriend as there's a lot of water under the bridge but you can start again. You are young.
Do you know how to access professional help? Equip yourself with that knowledge and arrange to see a therapist. Who knows, you may be able to sort things out with your boyfriend but it may take time and your first priority is yourself, just you - not you and your boyfriend.
Good luck and well done for seeking advice. Keep that ball rolling and take care of yourself.
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A
male
reader, MikeEa1 +, writes (21 June 2012):
 you have had a hard road and these matters are not easy to disclose to partners. regardless of how much therapy you have it is not easy to let a new partner in on the secret. it is difficult enough dealing with it all yourself. you will find the path one day like we all do. spit it out and see how it goes.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 June 2012):
 Professional help NOW. Work through this and THEN find a way to tell him.
You really need to focus on this first. For you to be able to have healthy relationship, YOU need to be healthy.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 June 2012):
Do not stop, do not do anything else but go get that professional help today. You have many issues that need coping with and the sooner you get to qualified trained help, the sooner you can begin interacting with people in the way you'd like.
Best wishes.
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