A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:First I would like to thank everyone for reading this. So here it goes, I just had found out that my kid's father was granted for an access to see him. I've been reluctant to agree with this due to my kids father hasn't been a father to my child. I have been taking care of my child since birth and 5 yrs later the father wants an access to see him. I have problem with my ex because of his drug abuse and he had neglected us. Doesn't even matter on how my relationship with him but my child has no idea who this person is and he had attempted to scare my child by showing up in places to see him. He had access before but my child was very small to remember him. And he wasn't consistent to seeing him. He disappeared in thin air and now his coming back.Now knowing this is happening how do I go about saying to my child that his seeing his father once a week? Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): Thanks everyone for the advice. It is a supervised visit but as VSAddict says to come along on the visit I cant really do that due to I was abused by him and not saying Im scared facing him, you know what YES I am. Even though i know he wouldn't make a scene, but I am so mad of what he did to me and to my kid. I wouldn't want to break down or do something that might show my child I'm weak or i'm distructive in that matter. I am truly hoping that he doesn't show up after 1 or 2 visits so we can just live our life. I am not saying that my child doesn't have the right to know who's his father really is but like the other post said his only a sperm donor. Since the day my child was born i was on my own. Anyways my blood is boiling now just thinking about. I truly do appreciate all the advices I will use the advice when I talk to my child. Thanks again!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): this man may have contributed his DNA to help create your son but he is not any kind of a "father" to him. I see no reason to allow this access and would fight it in court. as his mother you have an obligation to protect your son from harmful influences to ensure he grows up well adjusted. being involved with this man could really mess up your son. This man has done nothing to deserve a place in your son's life other than having been a sperm donor at the start.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): Speaking from personal experience, I didn't have any contact with my father until I was sixteen and he was also a druggie, I think you need to sit your child down and have a serious talk with your child. This might be a bit much for a 5 year old but you might want to explain who this person is and your past relationship to him. Also since it seems his father has proven unreliable explain to the child that he can't depend on his father, hopefully the father will be dependable but form my own experience I was left disappointed on many occasions because my father didn't show up. Tell the child that their father loves them but that he had problems. Make sure to give your child your phone number and tell them to call you if there is ever an issue. I'm not sure if these visits are supervised or not? Overnight visits? I think the first few times you should go with your child for awhile to make sure they are comfortable around your ex. You'll have to put your past with the ex behind you and be polite and kind to him. If your child can tell that you don't like this man then the child will probably be scared around him. If there are overnight visits going on I recommend buying your child a cell phone with your number programmed into it. In case of an emergency this way your child can call you. I'm sure you know how your ex is and can judge if this is necessary or not. My mothers fear when I was young wasn't that my father would hurt me but that he would leave me with someone who would so he could go party.
It's good for kids to know both parents otherwise they wonder about that missing father. I know you see this as a disruption to your life and your child's life. Afterall you've been living for 5 years with little contact with this man. You'll just have to be their for your child. This will be scarey at first for both of you. Just try to monitor the situation. If your child is alone with your ex ask the child what they did together and if they had fun.
This is sort of like a babysitter situation in a way. At first the child doesn't know the sitter (the father) but with the help of the parent (you) the child grows to feel comfortable with the sitter.
I hope this all works out for you. With drugs being involved though it might not so prepare your child for this but make sure that they know their parent loves them and that it is the drugs fault. Hoepfully they can grow to have a relationship of a father and child. Don't be jealous of that relationship because it will be beneficial to your child if the father is reliable and decent.
Sorry this was so long but having been in this situation (at age 16) that what my mom did for me. Where your child is only 5 they may not understand all of this. Again if it's overnight visits make sure the child has a way to reach you!
Good Luck
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female
reader, Aunty Honest  +, writes (26 July 2011):
 There's no easy way to broach the topic, you just have to be gentle and supportive. Tell your son quite simply that his dad is coming to see him and listen to what he has to say on the matter. If he's anxious be as soothing as possible, if he's excited be supportive-there's nothing more you can do accept be there when/if it all goes wrong.
It's very frustrating and painful to see your son go off with the man who let you both down, but as long as you act at ease, your son will adapt quickly and comfortably. Also you provide him with love and stability, and while this new interest from his father may be disruptive it won't undo all the good in his life.
Maybe your ex has turned a corner and maybe not, (though it's completely understandable that you feel on edge about it) as it's out of your hands the best you can do is make your son comfortable and hope you get proved wrong.
All the best and hope that helps
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A
female
reader, VSAddict  +, writes (26 July 2011):
 You could say something along the lines of "(Child's name), you're going to start seeing your father once a week. Even though you're not familiar and it's something you'll have to get use to, he's your father and you two deserve to know each other and have a relationship". Something like that. And since he's not familiar with him, maybe you could supervise and come along with them on the visits until he's comfortable enough being alone with him. If that's possible.
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