A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need advice. I have a boyfriend that I have been with for a year. He is deployed in Iraq and a month ago I was attacked and raped. I'm so depressed since this happened and I also got herpes from this. I am completely devastated. I haven't really been talking to my boyfriend too much and he's wondering what's wrong with me. I can't get the courage to even talk about it to anyone much less with him. It hurts so bad and at one point I was so depressed I wouldn't leave the house. I don't know what to do and he's there till April. Should I tell him while he's away? Should I wait till he cones home? I feel like I should break up with him because I feel like he's not going to want me anymore anyway. Some days I don't even want to get out of bed, I can't believe this happened. I love him so much, I don't want to lose him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010): I can't tell you when to tell him, but here are some things to consider:
Rapists are criminals. The legal system is hell but a crime was committed against you. It was a violent crime. I strongly urge you to press charges.
Don't lie. Be honest with him. If you up and leave him and he doesn't know why, he'll be confused on top of the pain of deployment.
Help yourself. Get counseling and medical attention. Do everything you can for yourself.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): "yet i believe when a man loves a woman
he wont leave her for herpes"
Absolutely straight on. My wife has it, and I got it from her, knew it when I was with her early on. But, despite precautions, I got it after several years.
HOWEVER, you will feel a lot of guilt about it if it happens, no matter how nice your bf is, and you may project your bad feelings about yourself onto him and think that he thinks this way about you. You must get counseling for the rape and the after effects, otherwise it could ruin not only your current relationship, but your future ones. You probably feel guilt and shame about the rape, this is a natural response to this.
Get professional help. Call your rape hotline locally and get help now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for taking the time to give me advice. I think you are right, he is in combat and that's why I was afraid to tell him. I know it's hard for him over there and I didn't want to add to it by telling him but I wasn't sure what to do. I did report it and I have been going to therapy and trying to move past it. So far I haven't been so good at moving past it, I guess the bonus of the std makes it harder. I don't even know what to do with myself lately, this is very hard to deal with. As for my bf, we have had sex already and he says he loves me. The only way we can communicate is via email or maybe a call once a month. I really need him now and I hate that he's so far away, that's why I came here because I don't really have anyone else that I can confide in. Having this STD forever is killing me too. If we break up which I hope not, it's probably going to limit my chances of anyone else wanting to be with me. Thank you for your encouraging words.
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic  +, writes (6 December 2010):
telling him while he is still in iraq
well put allot of pressure on both of you
yet i believe when a man loves a woman
he wont leave her for herpes
Good Luck
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (6 December 2010):
 Contact the army, not sure how it works in the US, but most countries have arrangements for this kinda stuff so it can be handled delicately and not for instance while the guy is about to go on a mission.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): What kind of job does he do in the military, because if he's a combat infantry man I don't think it would be the best idea to tell a guy with a gun in a hostile country that his girlfriend has been raped and now has an std from it.
His head needs to be in the game or it could have disastrous consequences for him, his unit or any Iraqis he comes across.
First things first, you need to take care of you. Forget about how or when you're going to tell him for now. If you haven't already then you need to go to the police and report it. You need to, not only to catch and punish the guy but to give you back the power and control you may feel you've lost. The police will also be able to offer you counseling and treatment for what happened. You need to avail of this.
If you already are doing all these things then it's best to just focus on those things for now. Get your head together and start healing yourself. While he may be infuriated at the guy, he won't be at you and it's unlikely your relationship will end because of this. Frankly the best chance you have at making sure this isn't the end of your relationship is for you to heal yourself, is for you to focus on you and focus on getting past this and coming to terms with this. It will be a lot easier for him to come to terms with this when you have.
Trust me there is nothing in life that you can't overcome and you can overcome this. Fight with every ounce of your being to make sure that happens. You have a battle ahead of you but don't give up and have complete faith that you'll get past this because you will. For now focus on that, for now do everything you can to move past it. It can be done.
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A
female
reader, Mjfbla +, writes (6 December 2010):
 I was raped. And I told my bf. He was ok with it. Shocked but ok. You have had sex with him right? Telling him while he is in Iraq may be bad, because of where he is and that would add a lot of stress if you told him wrong. Can you call him? Maybe telling him what happens and adding in that you dont want to lose him and he is the only reason you've been able to get through this, and now that he knows things will get better because you have him. If he loves you, he wont let that bother him.
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