A
female
age
41-50,
*EDDIEBERR
writes:My husband wants to get his kids (16 boy,13 girl, and 8boy)today but we both work from 6am-6pm M-F. There was no date given when they will be going back home (mothers house), last visit they stayed 3wks. We are having some financial issues right now and to me its realy not a good time (during the week). We dont have a extra phone to leave at home while their alone to check on them, so I dont agree. They have been calling asking to come over everyday and he keeps saying,"I will see tomorrow" instead of "Not today but this weekend". How do I tell him Its not a good idea. I ask because I dont want to seem mean or be a bad step mom Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 June 2016):
 Glad you got it sorted out.
And I would suggest your husband works out a visitation schedule that works for ALL of you. (the mom, you and himself).
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (22 June 2016):
 Such late notice isn't fair to you; you should at least get a day's notice. Other than that, you seem to be coping well.
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female
reader, TEDDIEBERR +, writes (22 June 2016):
TEDDIEBERR is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the feedback, I did purchase a Trac phone last night, so we are able to have contact while the kids are home while we work. I have also changed my hrs, so they wont be at home alone for so long. Also just to let you guys know that when I got married, I knew it was a package deal and I love them just as my own 3 (grown now). I needed a little more notice than the morning of (not always able to do with kids) to make sure food, household items, and phone access was there. Yes we do pay child support and have regular visit but since its summer vaca its been a lil weird.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 June 2016):
 I think too it's a bit strange that there's no regular schedule in place for visitation, like " alternate weekends " or whatever, and things are kept so casual and unpredictable.
Anyway- whatever works - if your husband and his ex have agreed to be informal about it, and just let the kids show up every now and then, then, I say too, " suck it up ".
You married a not-so-rich guy with 3 young kids, there were strings attached and you knew it.
Kids should never need a " good " reason for wanting to stay at their dad's. Yes, there could be a bit of the " unsupervised vacation " thing, maybe they enjoy their ( relative ) freedom and a change of scenery. So what ? Do sons and daughters need to provide a moral, virtuous reason for wanting to see their parents ?
When I lived in USA and came back to visit my parents, yes of course I wanted to see them because I missed them , but also, frankly, part of the attraction was that I'd get free , competent babysitting for my son, and I did not have to lift a finger , I was going to be served hands and feet by their maid. I would have come regardless, I just also enjoyed the perks ; there's nothinge strange in that.
I think it's very good , in fact, that the 3 kids think of staying at dad's , for whatever reason, as a joyful occasion and a privilege, rather than having to be dragged off their usual hangouts , grumpy and reluctant, as unluckily it happens with so many children of divorce. It's also good that they are so keen to see dad ,that they will make do with the few hours for evening that he will be able to give them. If you had a boyfriend who tells you " sorry, but today I can come and see you only for an hour or two "- would you tell him " oh then forget about it, it's not worth it, come over only when you get the whole weekend free " ?
And what's the thing about the 3 weeks visit ? ... Sure, guests are like fish, after 3 days they stink - but I never thought this would apply to your kids too ! Yes, of course they are not your kids, they are HIS. Again, it's not as if he had told you he was childless...
Of course, it depends, if every month or so, these kids just plunk themselves down in your living room for 3 weeks, then it's an imposition and a disruption. But if we are talking about an occasional vacation, well, again, - what did you expect. The guy HAS kids, and an ex kind enough to let him have them whenever he wants ( and that too is far from a given in many divorce cases ).
The phone thing ? BUY one. It's not a big expense, and anyway it's a very necessary one. Honestly, he CAN'T turn his kids away because he won't invest 30 bucks in an extra phone !
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (22 June 2016):
 How long have you been married? Has this always been an issue or has this cropped up of late? Isn't there a schedule in place for when which parent has them? And how is it that the kids are free all day?
Communication is the key in any marriage so you need to sit down and talk to your husband. That's the reason my first question to you was, how long have you been married and since when has this been going on?
You're not going to be the bad guy if you bring this up. Just tell him whatever you've told us here and try to work things out with him.
To an extent I agree with the other aunts that kids come first but I also feel that the kids want to come to your house because they're unsupervised and have the whole house to themselves while you and your husband are away. Its probably like a vacation for them with everything taken care of by you and your husband. I don't think you tell them anything either so they've found a good reason to keep wanting to come.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (22 June 2016):
 Unless this is during school holidays, why would they not be going to school? I do see what you are saying to a degree but to be honest I have to say " The kids must come first". Living in one house and visiting another can sometimes be a little unsettling for kids, especially the younger ones. Logical reasoning from the separated parties, in your case you and their dad, runs the risk of being heard and translated by young ears and minds into " You don't love/want us". Regardless of how you word it I think being told "NO" for wanting to spend time,which they are entitled, with dad is not healthy. Does your partner pay child support? if he does maybe he could negotiate something with their mum for the time they stay. Lessen the amount or the whole lot for that period? My advice would be to first get a bit more info. so you can better prepare. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2016): BTW, Track-phones come with minutes on them, and they are quite inexpensive. You can get them at any drugstore or discount retail chain! He brought those kids into this world, and if he has to scrape a little harder to feed them, so be it! You married a man with kids. Live with it!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2016): Considering the kids' ages, I think you need to suck it up.
They are part of an unmade family, and no time is a bad time for your kids. They have to feel he will sacrifice anything for their sake. I'm sorry, I don't empathize with you in this case. Kids come first!
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (22 June 2016):
 Sorry to hear about you are going through this.
One diplomatic way to say this without coming out and saying not to have his kids in your house is to ask how "WE" plan to make ends meet with the added expense.
This gives the impression that you are open to a solution rather than issuing an ultimatum and it gives the two of you a chance to compromise and possibly consider something you hadn't thought of before. Perhaps he is willing to make a sacrifice (or you).
Unfortunately, telling your husband outright that his kids are a burden will make you come off as the bad guy. Also the kids have feelings too and they can certainly tell when they aren't wanted or feel like an extra burden. The kids have already suffered through the separation of their parents -- don't make it seem like they are alienated by their father as well.
Eddie
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (21 June 2016):
It's never a good idea not to have a routine. What about their schooling? You should always set lengths of a stay *before* they are due over.
How often does he see them? Why haven't they got a proper schedule of who has them when? Why does he put off seeing them (he doesn't have to have them stay over for weeks each time)?
How much would their visit affect your financial difficulty or be affected by it?
I think being a good stepmother is about making sure they have regular visits, but ones that aren't "stay as long as you like"; there needs to be a set time (in my opinion), so that its organised and nobody feels there's a time they need to be "kicked out" and sent back home for staying too long in one hit. It's an odd "arrangement" (or lack of).
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 June 2016):
I would sit him down and mention the financial side of things. I would also bring up who is going to take care of them during the day? The 16 year old? After that I would make HIM make a plan for the week-end when he WANTS to have his kids and then HE takes care of them.
I have had my step-son and his brother (a lot) when we lived in the same state (often week-ends where hubby ended up having to work) because they are not just his kids... they are MY "steps" too. Whether we had "extra" money or not those days was of little matter to me. We made do.
But for 3 kids to come over and stay at your house while you two are working seems weird to me.
FYI You can buy a "burner phone" for less than $20 and a $10-$30 card for when they come over. That is for emergencies only.
You two need to talk.
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