A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello All,I would like some tips or advice on how to tell my father that I am pregnant. Here is a little info:I am 26 years old and in a stable relationship. I have told my mother, sister, brother, and all my friends. Everyone seems to be excited about the baby and I have gotten a lot of support (this is my first child). The problem: I am scrared to tell my father! Now, I know a lot of you will be like, whats the big deal?Well, my father isnt the nicest man in the world. He constantly worries about money, everything comes down to money. And anyone in the US knows, we are in a recession and the economy is doing poorly. So, my dad has gone a bit bonkers. He watches the news for hours on end and has nothing to contribute to a converstaion unless its about money or politics. Doesnt sound that bad? Well, I believe my father has little or no empathy. When someone gets sick in our family, its NOT "I hope you feel better" its "how much is it going to cost."Now down to what I think will happen. I fear that he will get angry and tell me Im making the biggest mistake of my life, that I cant afford a child. Basically tell me anything and everything that will cause stress. He will definately say "You are cut from the will" and "I hope you dont expect me to pay for this." So when and how do I tell? Please aunts and uncles, give me some advice!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there,
Just wanted to let everyone know how things went. He said a few things to my mom and one thing to me. He said to my mom: "raising a child expensive" "how long have you known?" How come no one told me?"
So far the only thing he has said to me is "So you quit smoking because youre pregnant?" I said "no, I did it for myself."
Well thats it. He hasnt really said anything. Its sort of normal being around him. As usual, nothing personal really comes up. Same old topics, same old thing. But at least he isnt being mean!
Im really glad that it didnt turn out that bad. Thanks all for your help and support!!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 November 2008):
 You know what? That's not the cowards way out. That's actually a sensible solution. You don't need the stress and he will have time to process. You'll still have to see him after the revelation, but you won't have to have that difficult conversation.
I actually would like to hear how it went with him, so follow up if you can and it's not too difficult for you. You need to be looking out for yourself and your baby. The rest, well, the rest can wait. And if you can find it within yourself to turn a deaf ear to your dad, I think that might be a good idea. There's no reason you have to join him in the misery he creates inside himself or tries to create in the people around him. Pity is my first reaction to him. Then anger. Then accepting that he's not going to change. Change the way you react to him, if you can...
Soon you'll have a baby to take care of, and this will seem so unimportant.
xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello all,
After much time and thinking about how to tell my dad....
I have decided to take the coward way out. Just thinking about having to tell him and how he will act toward me stresses me out. So my mom will be telling him. If anyone is interested, I will let you all know how he reacts.
Thanks All
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2008): They did go after my b.f. after my baby was born because he didn't sign the baby's birth certificate at the time of her birth. But all they want you to do is furnish details about who the father is and his income, at which point they will ask him to pay back $4,000.00 of the birthing costs (can be a pmt. plan). That would still be less than what you're going to end up paying. In our case, I was pregnant a 2nd time when I found out that we'd have to pay back $4,000.00 and my b.f. had medical insurance through his employer so the court told me that the only way around paying the 4 grand was to get married. So we did. That could be an option, to just get married after the baby is born. A c-section for me was 20 grand, and it was unexpected so you really never know what is going to happen. But I live in Michigan, I am not really sure if the same laws would apply where you live. Either way it's good that they aren't charging you the max. because that would just be horribly expensive! Even after my insurance paid for my 2nd baby's delivery, I still owed like $1,600.00. it's ridiculous because we pay over $200.00 a month for our insurance premium. Everything will work out. Let us know.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Female Anon,Yeah, a lot of people have been telling me try for medicaid and that I would have to lie either about where I live or knowing who the father is. Once they know who the father is, they will go after him. Although I feel we do need medicaid, I just dont feel comfortable having to lie about it! My parents and boyfriend make too much money to be covered. Just because we dont live in absolute poverty doesnt mean that we can actually afford it!!I have already started a payment plan with the doc, thats about $3800 for visits, delivery and post partum care. Of course there are extras like lab bills and circumcision (if its a boy). And if I were to have a C-Section, the bill will be unpaid at the time of delivery. The hospital will go by our income (which is based on my boyfriend's) which maybe, just maybe it will be like 2500-3000. Its terribly expensive but if you tell them your situation then they dont charge you the maximum that they charge insurance and medicaid. I really wish I lived in a country that put family as a priority and health care but I dont. I thought about medicaid of course, but Im just dont see myself lying. Also, we want to get married and I was told that Id have to wait a year after the baby is born to be free and clear. I dont know, it just seems like too much trouble!!But thanks for thinking about it! I really appreciate it!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): Hey, it's me again. Look, I wasn't married when I was pregnant both times, and I lived with my now husband but I got medicaid and they paid ALL of my medical bills and when baby was born, she got added to the medical insurance. The only thing is that they will want to know your household income, and this is where you lie. Just tell them you live with your mother & she only makes 20 thousand per year. They don't check into that. They can not deny a pregnant woman medicaid as long as her household income is below their limit. Also sign up for wic too. My pregnancy & delivery would have costed me over 20 grand without insurance so really make sure you apply for it!
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male
reader, daletom +, writes (26 September 2008):
If you need a little more assurance, watch the movie "Juno". (No, you're NOT in the same position that Juno is, and it's a fictional story, but I think the film has a lot of Truth and Reality in it.)
The initial reaction from Juno's dad was disrespectful and condemning. But he became very supportive and cooperative to her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for responding Talksense and Female Anonymous. Im not sure why I keep missing responses!
Yes, I am a grown woman and should not care what he thinks, says, or does. But its just not that easy! I visit my parents a lot, well my mother anyways. I cant quiete avoid him and I never know what will come out of his mouth. Sometimes its fine, sometimes not. I do see your point, I just havent toughened up enough. No one else treats me this way so its hard.
Female Anonymous, thats what its like in my parents house. They are still together, dont ask me how but its all the same. He has just as much to say to my mother as he does to me, money money money! Oh by the way, here is whats going on in the election. Tax time is very very scary! Haha. Im glad I dont live there anymore, I feel bad for my mom though!
Thanks for replying, both of you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for posting mommy dearest. I know he will be forced to accept it eventually. I dont think he will be so spiteful when the baby is here and he has no choice but to love him/her. This I know, as he already has a grandaughter and he wasnt such a bad grandpa. He was much better at that then being a father!
To the female who's name is blocked, it must have been hard for your sister to sit there and get cursed at. Not having support from the people who are "supposed to" love you the most is difficult. Thanks for your response!
The advice given by all has really comforted me. I have asked everyone I know personally what they think too. Its just hard to wrap my mind around it and I feel its just getting later and I definately dont want to wait til Im about to give birth, haha.
Thanks Everyone!
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male
reader, daletom +, writes (26 September 2008):
The response from "birdynumnums" hit it pretty square.
Your being pregnant is a fact, not a matter for discussion, debate, or argument. Although your father may not approve - for financial or other reasons - at your age you should be mature enough to make your decisions without seeking your parents' permission. (Though they would probably be very honored, and think quite highly of you, if you asked their advice.)
You are dealing with a conflict of fundamental philosophies. It's not far-fetched to say that "management" is the national religion of the U.S., and your father seems to be a faithful adherent. The management philosophy teaches that money is the measure of all things, and whatever can't be bought is certainly insignificant - and may not even exist at all.
Without being arrogant or disrespectful simply maintain yourself above his level of behavior. That probably won't have ANY effect on him, but it might impress others. As the old aphorism says, "Don't wrestle with a pig. You will get filthy dirty. Even your best friends will keep well up-wind of you. And, the pig enjoys it.".
If you really feel a need for a flippant remark, you can always tell him, "Little Murgatroyd will grow up and pay the Social Security taxes that support your Medicare.".
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, it is going to take a long time for me to be able to deal with him without getting upset. I do see your point, to steer the conversation and take control of the situation. To not allow him to affect me. Walk out if need be. I just have never been in the habit of facing him like that.
I have had uncomfortable moments with him when I had something important to say. When I asked if my current partner could go to our christmas gathering (basically so he wouldnt be a complete jerk and be respectful-he knows how to make people VERY uncomfortable). Anyways, he told me everything I didnt want to hear about him, mean things like he is "too ugly" and "too old" blah blah blah. Anyways, I got the result I wanted, he acted civil.
I definately want to be respectful towards him. If not for his own sake, I want to feel that I do the right thing and act with integrity.
About the insurance. Unfortunately, baby wont have insurance. Everything is coming straight out of pocket. I am already on a payment plan with my doctor and will soon be dealing with the hospital. Having a baby is costly but I feel its worth it! I wish my dad could see the joy in all of this but I highly doubt it. He is who he is!
Anyways, thanks again!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 September 2008):
You could also be upfront with him if he does attack you. Stay calm and tell him that you dreaded telling him that you were expecting a baby because you knew he would have nothing positive to say and would only attack you. Tell him that you are thankful for the rest of the family who are supportive. You might even let him know that you feel a great deal of pity for him, spending his life worrying.
What I'm trying to do here is to get you to realize that you do have control over how you react to him, as birdy pointed out. You can't control his reaction, but you can take charge of how you react.
And do remind him that you are grateful for his financial support of you all these years and all that he did to help you grow up.
I'm so sorry to hear that you don't have health insurance; that's a big worry if you're about to have a baby. Please tell me that the baby will be covered under your partner's insurance?
On second thought, tell your father that if he really wants to help you, he doesn't need to get you money, he needs to put all his political acumen and interest to work and find a way to get health insurance for those who don't have it. That's a worthwhile (and probably futile) project.
You might investigate what coverages are available to you as a student.
Anyway, sorry, I went off on a tangent. The point is that while you remain respectful of your father for his sacrifices for you and your family, you don't have to tolerate abusive language or rude behavior. He might try to dish it out, but if there's suddenly no target there, or a deaf one, it'll just be wasted effort. Sort of the tree falling in the forest situation. And it'll take some time for you, I guess, but concentrate on growing one vertebra at a time and eventually, you'll have the whole backbone. ;)
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have also though about giving him a birthday card that says "Happy Birthday, Grandpa" but he might not get it right away but it would be alright if I wasnt there when he opens it.
I think all of you have good advice! Keep them coming!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Tisha-1. I will prepare myself to cut him off, do the talking and then walk right out of there. If he gets a word in, I know it will be bad.
Also, I dont have a job and no health insurance. He knows that. So it will be something to attack me on. But we are doing just fine and the baby might make it harder but we have already started to work through that. I guess I just need a backbone when it comes to him!
Thanks Again!
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female
reader, [email address blocked] +, writes (26 September 2008):
My sister is prego and we just went through this.. So I definately have empathy toward your situation.. and
He will be extremely disapointed and pissed off, like most fathers are at first.. It has taken my father 6 wks to just accept the fact that his baby girl is having a little one, he is by no means supportive yet..
Your father's whole Idea will completely change once that little bundle of joy arrives and he has the chance to experience being a grandfather.. It may take 6-8 months.. and make your pregnancy really tough. But it sounds like you have a lot of support from the rest of your family and with that much positivity coming from everyone in the family but him.. He eventually will come around!
The first step is informing him.. Before it slips from someone else in the family and that would be much worse for him to hear it through the grapevine than from you. Have your boyfriend go with you! He will probably curse you and say really mean things, like my father..
But eventually everything will work out. Guarentee! Especially if you have a boy! ;)
Good luck sweetheart!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): Well,
I think that that you worry a little to much about how he will react. you are pregnant and you are keeping it. So there is nothing he can do about it now. You should just sit him down talk to him calmly and ask him to be sedative that this is difficult for you to tell him.
You might be surprised to see that he might be happy to have a grandchild. If he seems unhappy for you or thinks your are making a mistake, there really isn't anything you can do. Just give him time. Time will heal all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks birdynumnums, your answer actually put a smile on my face! I think you get where I am coming from. I will remember that "recessions happen and so do children." I definately cant change him. I know I should not be affected by him as I know what to expect. I know I will be in tears no matter how strong I go into it. Should I just wait until I pop? Haha. I know it sounds silly! Thanks again!
To reply to your answer Lazyguy, this is a very normal, typical response. I would say that fathers who worry about money like this are doing so to take care of their family. Its practical, it makes sense.
Growing up, my parents did take care of me and paid for my college. But it depends on who you ask about who really paid for it. In my opinion, it took both of them to provide the lifestyle I had, not just him. Furthermore, I do not live at home and do not depend on them except that I am still finishing school.
But, fortunately, you do not know my father. Sometimes it can be frightening to know just how superficial he actually is. He is abusive and demeaning, even to my mother to this day. He is hateful and spiteful and lacks social skills. He knows what is appropriate and what is not. He is just to the age where he doesnt care anymore.
Anyways, thanks for trying. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer this!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 September 2008):
Yikes, he sounds awful! Sorry, I should remember he's your dad. Well, it sounds like you know what his concerns will be, so head them off at the pass. When you have this conversation, which you will have to, obviously, set up all the counterarguments you have and include them in your talk BEFORE he comments.
I assume you're living with the father of the baby and that you're financially stable and independent of your father? If you're not, then what I'm about to propose isn't going to work.
"Dad, I something really great to tell you. I'm so excited! I'm going to become a mother. It's so great, we're in a good financial position to have one now; we're saving our money and my health care plan is really helping out. Of course, the baby will be on it as soon as he or she is born. It might be a bit of a stretch but we'll manage just fine. It's such a miracle to have a baby, isn't it? You're going to be a grandfather! Now, would you prefer to be called Grandpa or Pop-Pop or is there another name you'd like? I'll start telling the baby all about everyone in the family and how much they are going to love him or her."
Then if he reacts negatively in any way to this, put your hand up and say, "I have to avoid stress from now on, says the doctor, so if you're going to be angry or harsh, I won't be able to listen. I love you, Dad, and I always will, but this is MY baby and MY choice and I am an adult who can handle it just fine. If you want to worry about it and how much it will cost, fine, but do it on your own time and out of my hearing. Thanks, I love you, Dad, or should I be calling you Grand-dad-to-be."
You get my point? You steer the end of the conversation to a decision he has to make that has nothing to do with money. Don't let him even start on being negative, if you can't handle it.
And come on, you know what he's like, you know he's negative about things, so you have to let it slide off you like so much water off a duck. It's not personal, it has nothing to do with you, it's HIS problem. So tune it out, or walk away, or even better, cut him off at the pass.
I know a guy like your dad; watches CNN and all the news channels ALL the time and it makes him the most cynical, anxious, worried man. Really sad, actually, but some people love to wallow in misery. Just don't let them pull you down with them. Okay? You're a big girl now, and you have to tune him out, shut him up or walk away. YOU decide what you're willing to take, don't just let him dish it out. Right? Go to it!!!
And congratulations, by the way!
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (26 September 2008):
 To his defence, he is the caretaker of the family. You might complain about him worrying about money but something tells me that when it came time to pay your medical bills, education, clothes etc etc when you grew up, it was him who did the paying.
He might think that is his task, as long as he takes care of the money he takes care of his family. It might not be the best way to be a father, but there are worse.
Why should he however feel he should pay for the baby? You are far to old to be living at home and in a relationship, so the bills go to you and your partner, not your parents.
Unless of course you at 26 still depend finacially on your parents in which case you have no right to complain about him worrying about money since you are the cause.
So accept that your father is the way he is and doing the best to take care of his family as he can. You now have your own family to take care off. Soon enough you to will have to worry about money. When you have kids, school funds, mortage etc etc, then you can compare notes with your dad.
For now, just tell him and if he only worries about money, then that is the way he is. You can't change him.
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male
reader, Talksense  +, writes (26 September 2008):
Hi, Well what can you say about a man like that. Someone like that should never have had kids in the first place, disgraceful!!
The fact is love is you are not a silly little teenager, you're a grown woman, who cares what your dad thinks it's your happiness that counts. If you're worried about how your dad will react now at your age then will you stop?
It's time to stand upto him and regards money you and the Childs Father are the sole respnsible adults in the child life. You will get support of your mother and other family members and so what if your Dad is gonna be funny. You are too old to worry about what he thinks, all you should be worried about is not stressin out too much have a safe birth and raising your child and being happy. The chances are he will one day realise what's most important in life, it could be when he's about to draw his 'last breath' but he will. In the meantime don't worry you're a grown woman.
Good Luck
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (26 September 2008):
 Well,
This is your Dad. You can't change him, you can only change Your reactions to him and how it affects You. If he is easier to deal with out in a public forum, take him out to dinner to tell him. Somehow, I can't help but wonder if he knows already if everyone else in the family knows. If you already know what his reaction will be, why worry about it? You know that the cost of a child is down to you and your partner, surely he knows that you and your partner are grown ups now that you are having your OWN child. So, go ahead and tell your Dad the news and while you are at it, tell him that recessions happen AND SO DO children! They've happened before and children survive! Your child will be 5 years old and the economy will be booming again and your Dad will still be fretting about money because you can't make a leopard change his spots. Who knows, his heart might melt a bit once you put that baby in his arms... Just remember NOT to justify his worries by expecting any financial support from him. And just to make you feel a bit better, there's one in every family, Dear! ;-D XXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): Your dad sounds like the kind of person that I wouldn't want in my life if he were my father. I am your age, and I have a 6 month old and a 17 month old. My father left when I was 4, to pursue a better career & make more money. Every time I talk to him he never asks about my kids (his grand kids) all he talks about is his job, how he needs to make more money and about how his taxes just went up, basically complaining about the economy, talks about work and politics too. I have stopped answering my phone when he calls. He has gotten so cheap that for my kid's birthdays he will spend about $5.00 on them and he complains about having grandkids because he has to spend money on them at holiday time. His wife is the same way. She always tells me and my sisters that we better not have anymore kids because we can't afford it and all this. But both of my sisters are well off, and she says this to them! We all think it is incredibly rude and we basically just ignore them and only talk to them when we have to. I recently worried I was pregnant again & I worried about the same thing, telling my father and step mom, even though they are in a different state I know they'd make me feel horrible about it. When I was pregnant my dad acted mad at me and I wasn't married at the time, and he told me that no man would ever want me because I already have a kid. But I'm married to my children's father. I don't know how someone could be so cold, especially toward their own child. I guess my point is that I sympathize with you 100% and I guess all you can do is try your best to ignore his mean comments and hope that when the baby comes he will soften his heart to the baby and be happy for you. You can't please everyone, and it sounds like other than him, you have a lot of great support. So I would just tell him and then try to block out what he says. It is great being a mother. Congrats!
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