A
female
age
41-50,
*ad mum of 4
writes:Hi can someone please help. i have just found out that my childrens grandma is dying my middle daughter loves her so much how do i tell her she will be leaving us. their grandma is not very old and my children are 10 7 5 and 2 how do i handle the hole think i am finding it very hard to keep together when my oldest 3 are at school how do i cope when my 7 year old is breaking down i feel i wont be able to stop crying for her. this is the hardest thing i have every had to deal with i dont want to give my kids the pain of losing someone and i no that my 10 year old will have trouble talking about it she will just be quite so i need to know what to do for each of them
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female
reader, sad mum of 4 +, writes (18 June 2007):
sad mum of 4 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have been helped by so many people on the sight and when i reed the touching things you have said to me i have been in tears.But i have also found that i am able to go on and live another day.thank you all so so much
A
male
reader, leonard j.Douglas  +, writes (18 June 2007):
For me, The children who have some idea about death, Oh my Lord! My heart is a river of tears too, that flows into your river of tears.You do need to tell the children that their Grandmother will be leaving soon. The letter from Grandma,even if you need to change it somewhat, is a gentle way of doing just that. As for you, You may be wondering if there is life beyond life. YES! I have been there. I would not tell you so, if it were not true. YES! There is A God. And there may seem to be no rhythm or reason in this world. But when you cross over into Eternity, You'll understand it all by, by and by.
Yes! You need to cry, it's us men's machoism, that says men don't cry, some bull I say. There is a verse in the Bible that says give thanks to God in all things. Now why would anyone want to do that? It just doesn't make sense to thank God for Someones death, Yes I know, but please hear me out There was a pastor who had a woman come to him for help. Her marriage was on the rocks, her husband was out chasing other women. So the Pastor said we need to get down on our knees and pray about it, and see what God would have you do. God told the Pastor to tell her. She should pray and give thanks that her marriage was on the rocks, and he was running around with other women. That's what he told her, and she stormed out. It was quite awhile latter that the Pastor happened to see her with a man. She came over and spoke to him. Here is what she said. " I couldn't believe that God would say to give thanks in all things, and I hated you for saying such a thing. God wouldn't say that. Then one day when I couldn't go on any longer, I got down on my knees and thanked God for my wayward Husband. Please forgive me Pastor. I don't understand why giving thanks for all things worked. That man over there is my Husband, with our daughter". "I don't understand it either", the Pastor replied, But I know that it works in the lives of many people who have come to me for help".
May the loving arms of God encompass you and yours. And we will all cry with you.
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A
female
reader, shortybabes +, writes (16 June 2007):
 hey hunni this is one of the hardest things to do. I lost someone when i was 14 and it was really hard but everyone deals with things differently, they will be really upset but you need to sit them and tell the younger ones that grandma is going to a lovely place called heaven because she is really poorly and the angels need to look after her. Then the older children just sit them down togethr and explain to them that she is dying they won't take it easily though and they will all react differently though hunni. Just be sensitive when telling them and all you can do is be there for them hunni. It will be hard for them. Hope you find it in your heart to tell them. Let me know if my advice has helped your situation hunni.
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A
female
reader, sad mum of 4 +, writes (16 June 2007):
sad mum of 4 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (14 June 2007):
 Is she in her right mind? Maybe she feels guilty that your middle child got most of her attention, and is trying to make things more balenced before she dies.
TALK TO THE GRANDMOTHER, and ask her what she is thinking/feeling. Express in as calm a manner as possible your concerns about the situation, including the factor that showing favortism in times of crisis will cause rifts for those she left behind.
-FBK
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A
female
reader, sad mum of 4 +, writes (14 June 2007):
sad mum of 4 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi i am still a little stuck i dont want to sound selfish or rude but my nan who we know no only has a few mths left has gave my eldest daughter a gold chain and cross my middle daughter who has been the one in the last 18mths (before my nan got ill)to go and see her and spend as much time with her as she could didnt recive any thing she would be so so upset if she finds out her sister got something and she didnt i dont no what to do its going to be so hard on her and i wish their nan wouldnt put in in the situaition she has never left any of them out untill now but i dont get why now plaease help
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A
male
reader, leonard j.Douglas +, writes (29 May 2007):
Dear How do I tell my Children? Why Don't you read to them.
A LETTER FROM GRANDMA
To my Dearly Beloved Grandchildren.
When your mother reads this letter to you. I know that you will be thinking of me with much sadness in your hearts. Please don't pout, for as long as we are in each other's hearts, We will always be together. Do you remember all my stories about the rainbow, of course you do. Well they weren't just stories. Yes there is a place called Rainbow Valley,that lies just beyond each and every new rainbow that appears in the sky. I am Writing this letter from Raibow Valley. It is such a beautiful valley, and full of rainbows as far as your eyes can see and happy, singing children are scrubbing and polishing these rainbows most everyday. Just in case you are wondering. Yes, The Rainbowman's clothing, from the tip of hie shoes, to the top of his tall, stovepipe hat sparkle nad shimmer in all the colors of thr rainbow Mary, You being the oldest,look after you brother and sister, but don't forget you mother. She too will need lots of love. I love you all. and someday soon we will all be together again.
Some days when the rainbow appears in your sky, I climb to the top of the rainbow. And I can see all of you, but you can't see me. So in a way we are still all together.
May God be an ongoing blessing in you lives, as you have been in mine.
All my love
Grandma.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (26 May 2007):
When my grandmother was ill and dying, my mother told me in a private setting. I was 9. She took me aside and told me in a matter of fact starting with grandma was sick, and it does not look like she is going to get better. She also told me that I needed to be extra patient with my grandma (she lived with us), and that the next year would be hard on us. This gave me a "job" to do, and made me extra sensitive to what was going on around us. Mainly she was more concerned about my behavior around my grandma. At the end of that conversation we were both in tears, but we decided together that we needed to be strong for her, and each other.
Yes it is OK to cry, but be sure that you also come across as having a plan of what is expected of each child over the next period of time until it happens. Also, let the kids know that NOW is the time to create some new best memories with grandma.
-Frank
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2007): AH I would never know my mothers mom died before they got me(im adopted and proud :D) my dads mom is curently not in a good state and we are going to see her for her 90th bday but im not too sad about it. Why? cause ive only seen her once in my whole life when I was 12 and even then we were very disconnected. I would recommend that the oldest be told but only when the time draws nearer for to pass. If you tell them too in advance I would think they would be holding on for very long and then it would hurt more when it happens.
When she does go im sure you will want to go see her i recommend you leve the kids at home with a baby sittter and tell them your going out(you have already told the oldest ones) its a lie not to say where you are going but you need time to cry and get it out of your system with support. Try not to cry in front of the children it may be very hard but the wrost thing I always felt was when my mom cried it made me cry. I think especially a girl seeing her mother cry will bring her to heart breaking expeically the older one who knows you are crying because of something. The 2 year old may still not completely get it but all will sense something isnt right. So hold back the tears but make dates to give your self alone time for a little time but remeber grieving for too long will set you back its a sad thing but the lide that remains should move on to new and brighter things.
I wish you luck
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A
female
reader, sad mum of 4 +, writes (25 May 2007):
sad mum of 4 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all,I just want to say thank you to all of you that answered my question. You have all helped me to find the strength to tell my children.But do I tell them now? As of yet we don't know how long she has yet, so i don't know whether to wait or tell them now.And do you think it's okay for me to cry in front of them? Or do I need to hold it back and be there for them? I just want to what's right for my kids. I don't want them to think they can't talk to me about it because i will get upset.Thank you all xxx
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (25 May 2007):
Tell the oldest kids about it, and go to their schools. Each school has access to councelors and they are there to help with kids and these kinds of situations. Enlist their aid, as they are trained for this. Keeping children ignorant is never a good form of protection.
-FBK
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (24 May 2007):
 Do you believe in God? If so you can tell them that He has called Grandma home because it is her time. She is going to a far far better place but will be looking down on them from time to time. And that one day they will see her again when it is their time to go. Emphasize that here is no need for fear it's just part of life and everyone goes through eventually. But is ok to be sad and to miss Grandma.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2007): It is better to prepare them ahead of time. Children are resilient but the need to understand that this is part of life -- we will all experience the death of a loved one, friend, or parent/child at some point in our lives. Tell them exactly what you told us, that their Grandmother is going to be leaving them but remind them that she will always be with them in spirit. I once heard a lady tell her two young nephews that when people die, they go to heaven and we can't see heaven because it's filled with brilliant, bright light, so God gives us the sky, and the clouds to keep us from the blinding, beautiful light that heaven is, but our loved ones have a balcony, and every day, they lean over their balconies and they watch us, so when something wonderful happens in our lives, we should look up at the sky and wave to them, or blow kisses to them because they are for sure, leaning over their balconies, watching us, and blowing kisses to us. You will find the right words, and you kids will cry and you will cry with them but they can at least enjoy each and every day with their Grandmother while she is still here. I wish you the best.
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A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (24 May 2007):
 With the oldest of the two children, they are old enough to know about life and death and they are the ones who will carry the memories of the grandma for the rest of their life.
Maybe sit them down together, and explain as much as you can so they can really understand what is going on, but in a gentle way but be honest. They need each other for support at a time like this and grieving together and sharing things will help them both. They may not be adults yet but i believe they are old enough to understand what death is. Only you can deterimine how the children will understand this and how they will react, but i feel not telling the truth at this age is undermining their character and strengths.
The younger ones by all means tell them grandma has to go away and over time they will discover what you really meant by what you said in a natural way. Maybe the will ask their older siblings at some point who will have time to fully understand the situation and would have grieved for them.
Its up to you how you handle it, it really does depend on how mature and how well u think they can deal with this tragic situation. just make sure they are given the time with this person so they can remember her as much as possible and the grandma can do the same before her passing.
Wish you courage and thoughts for your future...
R
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (24 May 2007):
 You should tell the middle daughter that there comes a time when people go away. Tell her that her grandma has to go away, and that you can explain when they're older.
DV1
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