A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am 20 years old and have been with my boyfriend for two years. For awhile now me and him have been talking about getting married and living a happy life, but now I want kids. We have discussed having kids but we never really decided when. Both of us are financially stable and we are continuing our education, but I don't know really what to say to him and tell him that I want a child now. What can I do to tell him???
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 August 2011):
 Truthfully, if his or your plans are to continue education, then you should not be having kids now. If you do, you both will hamstring yourselves in that department big time. You don't realize how utterly upside down your lives will turn when you bring someone into it, and your financial situation is stable...for the two of you! Add a baby, and that could be thrown out of balance.
Also, don't get ahead of yourself! If you're starting talking about marriage, don't jump to "I want a baby now!", becaus that will undermine the marriage talk. A relationship and family needs time to grow, get closer, and the marriage should take place first. If you think that having a kid will make him want to commit more to you, the opposite is true.
Take some time, get your plans for education first. Then marriage. THEN kids. A good and strong house has a good foundation, or it will crumble under the pressure. And believe me, 2am screaming kids when both of you are at school and work breaks even the closest of relationships. You will feel overwhelmed like no other thing has ever made you feel. Yes, being a parent is awesome, but you are devastating yourself if you don't do it properly.
Yes, talk to him about your desire for kids....someday! But not until your school is done and you two get married. Have patience. If you do, it'll be the best thing you've ever done for yourself up until now.
Patience...patience....patience.
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (25 August 2011):
 Here's what to say to him.
"My Darling Husband - I love you sooo much! I am sooo happy that we are both finally finished school and we can get on with our lives! I am soooo happy that I waited to start a family with you until we were BOTH able to devote our time to raising our children, they deserve our total focus and time, after all! The needs of OUR CHILDREN come first, before any needs and desires that either of what we might wish for - Because that is what parents do. Isn't it great that we don't have to explain to them why we weren't married when they were born as well!!! Anyone who has gone through grade school knows, if you want to make a child miserable, make him or her different or give them cause to have to defend themselves. Weren't we both smart, patient and UNSELFISH to wait?"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): You're only 20 and still in school. What's the rush?
Set the wedding date and have a baby after you're both married.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): I have to agree with jmc930. If you're not finished with your education or if you're not graduating within 9 months, "now" is NOT the best time to have a child...for the sake of your child or for you. You'll be stressed trying to work, go to school and care for your infant. It is NOT easy.
The infant would have far less of your attention as you struggle to keep up with maintaining all these branches of your life..
Really, you still have quite a bit of time to have kids , 15 years at the very least. Why not wait until you are both truly stable?
Why is "now" the ideal time?
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A
male
reader, HelpyMcHelperson  +, writes (25 August 2011):
I think you shouldn't be too abrupt as this may make him anxious, this isn't to suggest he doesn't want kids but when women start serious conversations out of thin air it tends to get us on edge (just speaking from personal experience),Your best bet is to find some time when you are both free, give him a glass of wine or whatever drink he likes and just speak honestly and from the heart. They key thing is to be sincere and explain what you want and how much it means to you. If you take this approach he should be in a calm state of mind when you talk to him and he will be more willing to be honest about how he feels.Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): You say you're financially stable, but are also continuing your education. Sorry to say, but it doesn't sound like now is a reasonable time to have a baby. You may feel financially stable now, but if school limits your work schedule at all, you may be making less money. There's also the question of who will take care of your baby if you and your boyfriend are both working or in class. Can you afford to pay for child care? You might be surprised at how expensive it is.
At age 20, lots of women get what is sometimes called "baby fever." Having a baby sounds so wonderful and good. But I think if you consider it, figure a budget, etc., you'll realize maybe now isn't really a good time.
If you still feel like now is the perfect time to have a baby, the best way to tell your boyfriend is to just sit him down to have a chat. Tell him that you've thought about it, and you feel like having a baby would be a good idea. Be aware, however, that your boyfriend may not feel the same way.
Best of luck. Let us know how it goes.
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