A
female
age
36-40,
*ounggirlconfused
writes:hi! I'm 22 years old and married to an amazing man! We have two children together but one is only biologically his! What i want to know is how do i tell my 3 yr old daughter that she has another father, while still making it clear that my husband who has been raising her from 3mths old is her father? Should i leave it till she's older or start explaining it now? Plz keep in mind that she is very smart, i'm always being told that she seems like a 6 or 7 yr old! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (30 August 2010):
 ok, so if your daughter already knows something about her biological father and is asking questions, then i guess you have no choice but to be straight with her. but you need to parcel it in a way that is acceptable, understandable, and not upsetting for her - so that she can place this new fact in her world and it can seem ok and not destabilise anything.
better if you could just never tell her though, i still think.
A
female
reader, younggirlconfused +, writes (30 August 2010):
younggirlconfused is verified as being by the original poster of the questiontnx to all for ur opinions some of u have really helped!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2010): I first told my son about his 'father' when he was four years old, by that time I had married and my husband was raising him as his own.
You are doing the right thing telling her young, that way it isn't something you have to worry about when to bring up when she is older. Answer any questions she asks, but don't be tempted to tell her the whole story, he doesn't need to know that yet.
Answer his questions simply as you can. As she get older talk to her about it, and tell her to come to you with any questions she has. Like I said I first told my son when he was four, and he didn't ask anything else again until he was 9 and then again when he was a teenager, you daughter will let you know what he needs to know.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (29 August 2010):
Why do you have to tell her at all? Why can't you just leave her the gift of feeling at one with her world and her family? What on earth would be the point of telling her?
(and obviously of course you can't discuss that with a 3 year old - she would anyhow have to be older ... but why anyhow tell her?)
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (29 August 2010):
 Dear anon, the original poster has contacted me... it doesn't seem she has a choice because her child has already noticed that her biological father's family exist.
Telling a 3year old because you feel you should do, is very different from the 3year old coming and asking you difficult questions. The little brainbox will find her world more destabilized if her parents don't answer her questions as honestly as they can.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010): WHY???? Are you doing this for you or the child?
If your husband is raising the child as his, a 3 year old is too young and will be terribly confused and possibly traumatized. Children of this age need to feel as if their life is stable and safe and they can not process information such as this like an adult would.
PLEASE do NOT do this at this time!
If the bio-dad is wanting to be a part of the child's life let him be an uncle till the child is old enough for the information not to destabilize their reality.
If the bio-dad is NOT in the scene, have you husband legally adopt the child and then they will be his child.
Being too honest with a child can be damaging beyond belief. Do not take this lightly.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (29 August 2010):
10 or 12 is too old as far as I'm concerned, it will make her feel worried as if something is wrong. I missed the part when you said she was smart, and more like 6years old. If she's smart, she's already wondering why her and her dad are different.
Then yes, she needs to be told. She'll be confused right now and wondering about why you and her dad are keeping secrets. Tell her casually, make it seem as normal as possible. But stress how much she is loved and adored by her father at home. He can then do the same thing, tell her very casually when they are doing some activity.
I want it to be normal, non sensational and boring. Answer any questions she has as truthful as possible, but using kid friendly language. In the meantime, quality time with her and your husband will reinforce the bonds they share together. She's a lucky girl because she has 2 daddies. The daddy who made her and the daddy who loves and looks after her... As simple as that.
Good luck, smart kids do keep you on your toes quiet a bit.. lol
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (29 August 2010):
She's too young to understand this conversation, please wait until she is older. It's best if you and your partner do it together, wait until she's about 6 and starts asking questions about families and sex.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (29 August 2010):
 If your husband is the one raising then he is her father. Anyone can father a child it takes committment and guts to be a Dad as your husband is being so big applause for him!!!
As for telling her she has another father I would give her a photo of her biological father and simply tell her this is her other Dad. Answer any questions honestly and simply. Don't get technical with her she only needs basic facts and the understanding that your husband loves her to bits and will always be there for her. As she gets older you can fill in more blanks for her.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (29 August 2010):
 A three year old isn't ready yet. Wait until she's a little older, when she can form a closer bond to her step-father that way, you know that she'll still see him as her father.
I hope that helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2010): You don't have to go into the details of everything with her. Simply tell her that she has another father, she won't think anything of this unless from how you act you tell here there is a reason to think more of it. In time she will ask you more questions, you should answer those too, or she will look for the answers in other places.
Just tell her that she has another father, if she just accepts that cool. Latter maybe explain to her that you were with her other father, and that the two of you split, and now you are married to her other father.
You probably shouldn't have the "big talk" about sex with until she is older.
A simple and honest answer does not need to include all the details to be honest and tell her what she needs to know.
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