A
female
age
30-35,
*8ta09
writes:hi, it's me again lol this time i'm going through a little more than usual. like i said in a previous blog/article i had two miscarriages about a year ago, neither of them were planned pregnancies and they both really tore me up inside. i've tried filling that void with puppies, kittens, babysitting other peoples kids but it only tends to make that hole feel even bigger. my boyfriend lost his daughter 5 years ago. she only lived a week she was VERY premature so he knows where i am coming from. i know that i cannot financially support a child right now if i were to concieve and things between him and i didn't work out so i mean, yeah, i'm pretty nervous there. we've talked about having kids but we both agreed that it's going to be a while. but i think i may have only told him that just so i didn't freak him out lol at the time it made sense but when i went to bed i got to thinking about it, that's not what i want. but i'm not completely sure if i actually "want" a baby or if i just have that acquired maternal instinct from the miscarriages. the last one i was 4 1/2 months along, i know i lost it due to stress. but i'm no longer with the man that would have been the father of that child. thank god.. but i'm just unsure what to do. so what can i do about telling him that i do in fact want a child, i don't want to wait years to concieve?? will it make or break the relationship? what i mean by that is could it be a turning point in the relationship that opens doors for a promising and bright future or will it only scare him away. he's made it clear that he wants a family, he wants marriage. he's 26 years old, he wants to settle down as do i. but the weird thing, is tonight...he told me he wasn't sure if he even wanted kids. which is COMPLETELY 360 degrees opposite of what he's told me this whole time. is he just not sure what he wants or is he telling me this because he thinks thats what i want.? lol were too much alike and we don't fight so we don't have much debate on anything so i can't ever tell. i absolutely do not plan on just "forgetting" my pill, or taking antibiotics to cancel out the pill. i don't want to end up pregnant and baby daddy-less lol.. that too much baby mama drama for me haha i'm just confused and need a little help, can you give me any advice on what to do here? how can i help out that notion in his head, make him think about it when he's layin there all quiet trying to go to sleep? lol thank you in advance!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): There's quite an age difference between you two (if your age here is accurate), I'm not criticizing, I'm just saying that it's entirely possible that you are both realizing different dreams for your future as you are at different stages of life.
Honestly though, you know him better than we do and you can do the one thing that we can't - you can talk to him. And you SHOULD talk to him, it causes a lot of problems in a relationship if the two of you don't communicate, especially about something as important as this. We can't get into his head and change what he thinks, but you can talk together about it and maybe both of you can come to an agreement on this point. :)
I'm sorry about your miscarriages in the past, I'm sure that's incredibly difficult, and I am really glad that you are mature enough to know that this isn't something you should take on all on your own if you don't stay together. I know you don't want to wait years to conceive, but it may be for the best (for financial reasons mainly) because as you know, children are expensive and take A LOT of time to take care of. I know you feel you're up to the challenge, and it's understandable that you want a child after all you've gone through, so I'm glad you're still able to see the logic in these points.
According to your age here, you are 16-17, meaning that you probably still have school to finish and other dreams to still accomplish. I suggest for now focusing on those things, and on building communication with your boyfriend. How long have you two been together? Are you living together?
You said that you two don't debate on anything because you are too similar, I think that talking about things you agree on is still a good way to build communication. It makes it less agressive than debating, and often times there are differences in what you thought you agreed on, which is why it's important to talk it out. I hope things work out well for you, please keep us updated.
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reader, xAx  +, writes (5 October 2009):
 By the sounds of it, he hasn't made up his mind. If i were you, i would want until he was positive about wanting a child with you. What if you did have a child and he changed his mind then and left you? I think you should wait and make your relationship with him stronger.
Also, it is really unfair on the child if you are not financially stable. The baby will need a considerable amount of money spent on him/her, and it gets worse when they grow up. Girls want clothes and boys want games. Try to imagine yourself growing up really poorely, never getting your basic needs etc, i don't think you would like it, so don't do it to your child just because you want one.
I think if you have a child now, it would cause more problems and arguments with your boyfriend. You'll start getting stressed because you both don't have money for the child as won't be able to feed yourselfs or the child and won't be able to afford the daily needs.
From what you have written, i get the impression that you only just want a child. That it doesn't really matter who the man is and you only care if they don't leave you. This is not a good way to bring up a child. Please just wait til you are financially able and want a child with a man you deeply love and want to spend the rest of your life with.
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