A
female
age
36-40,
*issAdvice2007
writes:Shall I get back with him?I started going out my ex in Jan this year, we fell in love with each other and were really happy and even lived with each other at one point, we went away on holiday and he proposed and I said yes!!Soon after we returned from holiday the relationship started going to pot, mainly due to me. I think I started feeling the pressure and started to rebel, we would always argue when we went out together and I wanted to go out partying with my friends. He would rightly get jealous of me and possessive. One night out on the town when everyone was out I had completely just had enough; I gave him his ring back and said that I couldn’t do it any more. Im only 19 and at the time though I needed to be single and just go out with my friends and have a laugh, with him being that bit older 25 I believe he is not too young to settle down as “he has been there done that”. I then became very close to my male friends and feeling very venerable I slept with one, which he later found out about and caused to argue even more when we were on the verge of patching things up, we didn’t.I then became very down about not having him there anymore, and just wondered if I was lonely or actually needed him.Anyway to cut a long story short, we have recently been in touch and spent all weekend together he asking me back and really still loves me, but if I was to go back out with him I would have to be completely honest with him about everything that ive done since we split up. There is one really bad thing I have done since we have split. In a drunken frenzy and very venerable state of mind I actually had foursome with 2 of my best mates (which he knows) and his girlfriend. It sounds so bad and I know, everyone is talking about it and ive been called a slag and im really quite down and I know it’s a matter of time before he finds out by someone else. I know that’s one thing that’s putting me off getting back having to tell him the truth, but I just don’t know if that’s what I want, after all Ive not been happy trying to find someone else by sleeping around, but could we actually work after all this time? Do I want it? Or am I just so sad because I have’t given myself enough time to get over it? Or do I want to act my age and live the single life?Shall I??Please Help Me!!!!!!!!!
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female
reader, drastic knowledge  +, writes (4 October 2007):
 its better to be heard form you than some one eles you have to tell him
and if he really cares than he'll try and work it out as you didnt cheat on him but it may take time
and if he is what you want than just give it your best shot if not walk away why hurt the man twice?
good luck
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007): Firstly, dont forget the double standards that apply here. You are the slag for having a foursome huh? What about the other participants? I bet the boys get a pat on the back from their mates, yet you are the slag. In this day and age you should ignore this.
Secondly, you are 19, for crying out loud everything you say suggests you are not ready to commit to a long term relationship, we all relish the feeling having someone to rely on gives , but at 19 you rightly should be having a ball with your friends.
Forget about the being honest with this guy about your past affairs, what's it going to achieve other than having your reputation sliding furthre. I suggest you live your life and tell him its been a blast but you feel you have some more living to do before committing yourself to a long term relationship.
I just have little sympathy for anyone who thinks they can tie a teenager down to a long term relationship.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (4 October 2007):
 Do NOT get back together with the ex. The fact is you are not sure about it. I think you are too young and have some growing up to you. No one rebels when they are with the right person. You want him back because you are lonely and sad. It has nothing to do with him. He deserves to be with a woman that WANTS to be with him. Not a girl who sort of wants him but has doubts lingering.
As for telling him...unless you are getting back together with him, it is best to keep things like this to yourself. He WILL find out (sounds like your "best mates" don't think that well of you to have talked about your private moments)but it is still your life, and you were broken up.
Find some new best mates that will not use you like this.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
male
reader, GingerPrinz +, writes (3 October 2007):
I think an important step for you right now is to stop giving in to your physical whims and start looking at your inner character. There's no way to tell what you want unless you have some perspective, so just spend a week or two contemplating life rather than living it blindly. You might find yourself bored on day three and a couple of friends invite you round to the pub, but you really need to knuckle down and say no, they won't get mad, and who knows, you might get a nice revelation out of it. One thing to remember is, you're 19, with a lot of time. Don't be worrying yourself about reputations, I know it's tough but you'll see when you have some independance and perspective that what others are saying really doesn't matter. This is especially true when you back it up with an honest nature, and I would agree with the above poster that the truth is the best policy. That said, don't be embarrassed or ashamed, and certainly don't let him make you feel guilty, it's just something that happened, not particularly out of the ordinary and it's absolutely none of his business anyway. Best of luck :)
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (3 October 2007):
 The truth is always the best route to go. If you chose to get back with him, give him all the evidence to make a proper decision himself if he wants to do it again or not.
Speaking about honesty. I saw in your writing, over and over again you're placing blame on your behavior over what had happened. Part of the reason you may be sad is because we get that way when our behavior is out of control and we may cross a bit over the boundaries of our own beliefs.
You have to realize, sleeping around is a choice, not an affect by cause. You need to own that behavior as something you chose to do, has nothing to do with the break up or your feelings of it. The way we handle hurt is our choice. Some eat, many like chocolate, or ice cream, but we all make our own choices of how to deal with it.
If you're just wanting to play and not settle down, getting back with him would be the wrong thing for you to do. You do need to start being honest with yourself, and taking ownership of any behavior you may take part in.
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