A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:HI guys, I'm a 22 year old girl. I come from a conservative household, and my parents are very very protective of me.My parents grew up in a conservative house. So they don't believe in dating, no boys allowed, no girl can have guy friends...Since I'm very different from my parents, and i dont abide by all my culture's rules, I have decided to live my life the way I want to when I moved out from home (i'm in europe now). Meaning, I started going out, having fun, I had my first boyfriend, and a group of mixed friends. It was happy times. However, once my family figured it all out, they lost their trust in me. And then I had only one choice to have my family's trust back : accept to live my life the way they want me to, which is not easy for me.. I can"t have guy friends based on my parents, but the problem is I don't get along with girls easily.. My bf and I broke up ofc cz of this.My question is this : how can I live my life the way I want and still have my parents happy about me, and not keep lying to them all the time?? If you guys would say, you're old enough, your parents can't tell you how to live your life, it only means you have no idea on how it is with my culture..
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2020): "My question is this : how can I live my life the way I want and still have my parents happy about me, and not keep lying to them all the time??"
You can't.
You are asking the impossible.
If your parents cultural beliefs are so entrenched and intractable then you have two choices: Live your life the way you want so you'll be happy even if your parents aren't, or live your life the way your parents want so they'll be happy even if you aren't.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2020): Your question: "how can I live my life the way I want and still have my parents happy about me, and not keep lying to them all the time?" Answer is, you cant! You have to decide whether to keep yourself happy, whether to please your parents and be unhappy yourself and whether to be open with your parents or not. My advice: live your life for yourself. You only get one life, make the most of it! So the real decision is whether to be honest with your parents and upset them or continue lying with the risk they will be upset if they find out. Maybe that is a question you should ask them? Would they rather you were honest with them even if it upsets them or just like. I'm sure they would really rather that you tell them the truth.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2020): I am from the Middle East from a predominantly Muslim society like you. Please think what are the commonly shared values and the diffrences between our society and the Eurpean Society in which you are living now. The values both societies share are the appreciation of success which come with hard work and education. Honesty, good manners, respect of others, abiding with the law of the land. The diffrences: Personal freedoms including and maybe in great part sexual freedom. Closely nit family ties and the concept of the extended families in the predominantly Islamic societies and male domination in the family. I assume you want to escape this norm, and have the sexual freedom which you seem to be having in Europe. Frankly as all aunts and uncles have already pointed out, you have to make a choice. You can not have both. Only I also suggest as one who knows the norms you should get married and involve your family in your marriage arrangements then by the coservative normes of your familys society, the responsibility for your wellfare and well being I assure you is transfered from your family to your husband and your family will be happy and accept you back unconditionaly. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2020): I grew up in a home like yours too. Honestly though, you just have to live for yourself because by making your parents happy, you’ll be unhappy. And when you’re unhappy, it can really cause serious issues. For me, I wanted my parents to be happy with me too and I did what I could to do that: studied hard, focus on school, be a ‘good’ kid (wtv good defined by them). But at the end of it, I realised that I wasn’t happy at all, not with myself anyways because I was doing all these to please them, not myself. I maintained my behaviour of course, I continued to study hard etc. But I also allowed myself to have some fun and not forget that I am still in college and that I should be meeting people and making friends. I did start dating secretly but when they found out, there was a massive argument with them. And I fought back because it was crazy the way they were acting. I told them my points and just left it at that. Cuz at the end of the day, if you’re not happy, you will eventually resent your parents, like I did. As such, I had to maintain a distance from them and since you’re in Europe, it should be fine.
I take that you’re a sensible lady who knows when to walk away when things are bad and not get influenced by your friends so easily. If so, I just want you to remember even though you’re living for yourself to be happy and stop trying to please your parents, make sure you are sensible with your decisions. E.g. If you want to go to a party, go for it BUT you must be aware and be careful. Don’t run wild.
Honestly, my parents are not very much different from yours and they’re probably worse. Based on what you’re stated, it’s just a fraction I had to deal with. If this is the only issue, I suggest you really just have to let go of the idea of making your family happy. Cuz there’s no way of making both you and your parents happy. I’m saying this from experience. It’s not easy to break away from their way of life and their thinking and I know it will make you feel unhappy awhile that your parents are unhappy with you. I get that. But you have to continue to push forward because the moment you revert back to pleasing them, you will be very unhappy with yourself.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (17 July 2020):
 I'm afraid there comes a point in life where you have to live for yourself. Sometimes we just can't live the way our parents want us to. I know I made choices that my parents didn't like. I wound up getting married and moving 1/2 way across the country. I don't think my mother ever forgave me for that because I took her granddaughter away from her. It wasn't meant to hurt but I just wanted to live and be happy.
You can't live for your parents. You can respect them and their wishes but if what you want isn't what they want for you, of course someone is going to wind up not being happy.
Just try to make wise choices, nothing stupid that can hurt you and be as respectful to your parents as you can. You aren't going to able to do it both unless you live and make choices exactly as your parents want and that might mean forgoing your own dreams and wishes. Its just that simple. So are you going to make you happy? Or your parents? Just a little bit of friendly motherly advice. I wouldn't make a habit of lying to your parents. They will find out and then trust you even less. Say as little as possible if its regarding a subject they don't like but please don't lie. Parents know....trust me. I always know when my kids lie even if its because I know they don't want to upset or hurt me. Its not a good policy to have.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2020): Live as you like, while away from home; but keep some of your parents' rules in-mind. That's your foundation. The first-thing we'll do when we're off to college; is go buck-wild, attend wild-parties, hang with the bad-boys and bad-girls! We'll commit all the stuff that our parents warned us not to do! That's a given! You make sure you don't become a drunk, a drug-addict, get arrested, catch STD's, flunk your courses; or get kicked out of school. You've successfully fulfilled your rites of passage as a freshman. The challenge is, to make it to graduation; while maintaining this record of success.
You should reach a mature enough age that you've gotten all of that out of your system. What could you possibly be doing so bad that your parents would absolutely never approve of it? They know you're going to date boys against their rules anyway; they're not stupid. They know you, and they know when you're lying too! You're insulting their intelligence, and playing them for suckers. Your attitude tells on you, when you get home.
The pretense of being a "good-girl" becomes harder to pull-off; because you get used to having your way. Lying to their faces tells a lot about you. That's what makes them so strict, not just culture and tradition. They may be too old-fashioned and conservative; but they are also trying to impress upon you to be responsible and upstanding. You may not live all your life in Europe or abroad; you have to come home eventually, where all their rules will apply. The culture and society outside their household then becomes your judge and jury. The public then takes the place of your parents, and will scrutinize your behavior; while going over your background with a fine-tooth comb. They will blame your parents, and tag your family-name to your past. That doesn't just happen to girls. That happens to both genders, my dear!
Guys don't get pregnant. We can usually defend ourselves if alone, and followed down a dark street...or take a beating! We can survive the gossip about our promiscuity, and it won't stain our reputations. The double-standard is not only in your culture, girlfriend! It's everywhere! You represent your family, your culture, and your nation...everywhere you go! Jerks talk about the "loose-girls" and/or the "party-chicks;" and the worse of the bunch will be the ones to pursue you the quickest. Based on all they've heard about you! You can proudly wave your banner for women's-rights; but you still have to maneuver through a world that judges you by your behavior, and your family-name labels your reputation...be it good, or bad.
Stop lying to your parents. Only people who are up to no-good, and lack strong-character feel lying is how you deal with things. You get in the habit of doing it, and it won't stop with your parents. It will always be your way of getting your way; or getting yourself out of trouble. A good-boyfriend will never trust you; because lying becomes a habit. It doesn't restrict itself to certain situations.
If you do everything you're warned not to do; you'll also find yourself losing self-control, and impulse-control. Practicing self-discipline becomes more of a challenge than it ought to be. Parents are our behavioral-gauges, and set guidelines; until we've learned to keep our butts out of trouble, and we're old enough to take full-responsibility for whatever we do. Our choices then fall on us!!! We also have a responsibility not to embarrass our families; or run our names into the dirt. People video record our activities; and they might be publicized on social media with or without our permission. Good firms and companies search social media during their hiring and vetting process. That's to make sure you don't embarrass them; or sully their corporate reputations and public-relations. You have to also make sure you don't get carried-away with your little rebellion; and it doesn't show-up on your record, if you run for political office someday. Your parents are not just stifling your behavior, because you're a woman; they are also looking-out for your future. They only tighten the reins to see how hard you'll resist them. They know good and well you're going to sow your wild oats when you're out of sight; or too far out of the reach of their control. They trust you to carry your name with pride.
Do you only want to rebel, because you hate being a woman? Otherwise, do you love being a woman, and want to show your strength and wisdom? The wrong-guy can destroy all the good in you! He can destroy all that your good-parents worked hard to cultivate and bestow in you, as part of your family-pride, dignity, and heritage. One rotten-guy can do it!
Do whatever you want to do as an adult; as long as you use commonsense and logic. Protect your reputation, maintain dignity, guard your heart, and preserve your credibility. Anybody can be wild and crazy...or stupid!
If you're Keeping-it together; you have nothing to defend, or to lie about. It's a sign of maturity; while it earns you a lot of trust.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (17 July 2020):
 The simple answer is, you can't have everything you want. You want to change your parents, to have them be "happy" about your life choices when they are totally different to what they would want for you.
You have two choices: makes your parents happy OR make yourself happy. Life is full of compromises and few people have everything they want. You need to decide what is more important to you.
For what it's worth, I was brought up by a very strict religious mother (dad was far more laid back and easy going). At the age of 20 I could stand it no longer and left home to live the life I wanted. My mother was gutted for a long time. We had tears and tantrums (from her) every time I visited. I hated seeing my mother so upset but I persevered and, in time, she grew to accept (if not actually like) that I had my own life to lead.
You cannot control how your parents feel. If making them happy is top of your wish list, then go home and be the obedient daughter they want. If making yourself happy by living your life is more important to you, then you have to accept that that comes at a price, which is that your parents are not going to approve.
Your choice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2020): You say that if we tell you that you're old enough to live your life how you want then we don't understand your culture? Do you understand your culture? You want to live a different life to what your parents expect. You enjoyed it. You said so. So it's unfair to say that we can't possibly understand when you're a hypocrite. You are an adult. You can allow your parents to emotionally blackmail you to live their way for you and be miserable for the rest of your life. Or, you can make a stand and live it in a way that makes you happy. If they can't accept that then that's on them. If however they financially support you then you have to do what they say or be independent from them on your own. The choice is yours. Good luck.
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