A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone.So my girlfriend is a little controlling but lately she's been trying not to be. A couple days ago I went to a bar with my mum on my birthday and my friend works there.Well a long time ago her and I were drinking and we made out, my girlfriend and I had been broken up she move to a different city and had a boyfriend. She said she wasn't mad I was at the bar, but I want to start talking to my friend again I miss her a lot, I don't have feelings for her and she is straight and has a boyfriend that she lives with. She invited me to her birthday bash at their place but I'm really scared to ask my girlfriend about this and I don't know how because she holds a grudge because we made out almost two years ago. I think its unfair my girlfriend now has a child due to a break up and I can't talk to someone who helped me out a lot when I was really messed up about her. Another problem is I had a sexual encounter with my friends cousin and I think that might be a reason why as well but this was also when we broke up for six months, I don't talk to my friends cousin because I was some what tricked and manipulated and because of my girlfriend so how do I talk to her about it?Any help is appreciated thanks :)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (29 October 2011):
Hi there. Even though you are in a relationship, you are both entitled to still keep your old friends. You don't need to close yourselves off completely from the rest of the world. That's a bit too stifling.
It really depends on what it is you want from the friendship with this other woman who works in the bar, that you spoke of. If friendship, is all that you want, well then there isn't a problem.
Also what's relevant, is what kind of future you hold for the relationship with the woman you are with now.
Wanting to talk to the friend who works in the bar, really depends on what your intentions are. Even though you say that you aren't interested in a relationship with her, you still need to be clear on this, before you proceed in any direction.
Until you have at least some level of clarity, you can't move forward at all. You will simply remain stuck where you are now.
So really, this is your first course of action.
In any case, you do need to be completely honest with your girlfriend. Perhaps you could just sit down with her, and tell her you would like to go the birthday party of this other woman. And then she would know about it. It's much better than lying to her about where you are going, and then later on she finds out - which she could!
As you said, your ex girlfriend - who now has a boyfriend - is unavailable to you anyway, because it's changed circumstances.
It really comes down to trust, doesn't it? Maybe it is that she doesn't trust you, or doesn't know if she should trust you. Perhaps that's it.
Trust issues might need a bit of work in your relationship. Especially, if it is going to survive.
If your girlfriend trusted you completely, she would have absolutely no problem with you going to the birthday party of this other woman.
Trust is pretty important in all relationships. It can make it or break it.
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