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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid, I am dating a guy that told me he had been sexually abused by his dad. I knew he didn't have a great relationship with his family, but he brought it up in a strange context. We were in bed after he had stopped me from going down on him. He said that he felt like I was "in control all the time." I'm a pretty vocal person and I articulate what I like and what I want. It's important to me that my partner enjoy themselves as much as I do. I tend to ask what they like as well. But at no point did I force him into anything, so I found myself confused and hurt by that description. I'm just so confused. At one point he told me he liked me because I "wasn't shy." I listen to him talk about his past and asked him what I was doing specifically that made him felt like I was controlling, but he wouldn't specifiy. He said, he just "saw it that way from the beginning." He told me how many of his former girlfriends had been sexually abused as well and how he had a talent for helping them. I asked him if he was drawn to these women only because them helped him avoid his own issues. He reluctantly acknowledged this might be true. He also told me he was in counseling and we talked about it for a while. He told me he cared for me, but the way he said it, it seemed like he was suggesting the sex we were having was the exact opposite of caring.I stopped initiating sex with him and have tried to be more careful, but lately, I've been unhappy. I let him initiate the sex...but it seems pretty detached. Often he drinks to the point that he can't really perform.He's proud of himself if I achieve orgasm, but he doesn't seem to notice how I feel besides those physical moments. Often, he doesn't achieve orgasm. I hate being just a passive player in our interactons, but I'm afraid of saying this is a problem for me.Last weekend, he drank so much he couldn't get it up. Something tells me did it on purpose. I feel selfish and insensitive if I complain about sex to someone who's been sexually abused. I can tell he feels sexually inadequate often. He makes self-deprecating jokes about the size of his penis or not being good in bed. I like this guy! I've been trying to stick it out and be patient for the past month, but it's not getting better. In fact, I think he feels inadequate not just sexually, but personally. Lately he's been distracted and ignoring me. I want to end it, but I don't know how to do it. And I'm afraid I'll hurt his feelings if I mention the sex directly. Any men out there who have been molested or sexually abused? Can you give me some guidance in this situation?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the realtiy check anon.
I do like him, but perhaps I'm hoping for too much. It's painful to think about, but sometimes I inadvertently seem to intimidate him. Once I tried to cuddle with him in the morning when I woke up and he reacted badly. He acted as if I was trying to jump him and he snipped at me. Since then, I dread the moments waking up next to him, because I'm never sure what to do. My policy is just to let him initiate any physical contact between us. I'm at the point I feel like I have to ask him permission before I hug him or kiss him. I know he's been abused, but this feeling is not easy on my esteem either.
He keeps saying he thinks I'm beautiful, but there's always a 2 foot radius between us when he says it...I don't really know what to do anymore but end it.
The thing that really gets me is that why I look back on all of our moments together, the times that he was the most interested in me sexually was after I was visibly upset and cried in front of him. At times I wonder if he doesn't like me because I'm NOT damaged.
Thanks for your insights Janniepeg. I think I'll focus his use of alcohol and his emotional distance, not the sex.
It just sucks to feel this way.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011): Hi. Something you have done or said has triggered him. In other words something about you is reminding him of his father and the abuse. That is why he has detached from you and is trying to avoid sex.
If he said at first he admired your ability to say what you want, then he might have been attracted to you because you are how he wishes to be. Or strange as it sounds it might have been because you reminded him of his father.
Often abused people are negatively attracted to certain aspects of other peoples personalities that remind them of the abuser. I know, go figure but it is a fact that some do that.
Trying to tailor your behaviour to suit him won't work. He is a very damaged alcoholic and trying to shape your personality to fit what is acceptable to him at this juncture is a horrendous thing to do to yourself. I don't know why you would to change who you are just because you 'like' someone!
Even if you did do all the changing to try and help him. It would not work because you are fine as you are. It is him that has to change.
My suggestion is to just tell him he is too distant and you feel you both want different things. If he has grown detached from you anyway, he has done most of the leaving already and it shouldn't be too difficult for you to move on.
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A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy  +, writes (27 July 2011):
 He most likely has a very negative association with sex.
I know that sounds like a big "DUH!" but really, think about it. Sex was used on him as a weapon of torture. He proabably has never learned that it can be anything else for him. He knows you're displeased, he wants to please you, but he's too broken to do so. Hence the drinking, reluctance to have sex, and self depracation. He doesn't know how to express what he's feeling and he's probably afraid you'll run.
Maybe you should try the puppy approach:
1) Give him lots of words of praise, like how sweet you think he is, how handsome, how lucky you feel to have him. Make him feel like a beautiful, lovable thing.
2) Give him his favorite foods, send him little texts that say things like "thinkin about you". Let him know he's on your mind and making you feel special every day. This will make him feel special.
FInally, take all sexual tension out of the equation. don't initiate ANYTHING, which it sounds like you're already doing. That includes dressing too seductively and other hints. If you take the pressure off and give him time, it should improve.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 July 2011):
 Men don't like being analyzed. It makes them think they have a problem. Well he does have a problem and if it has to be solved, that person won't be you. Your role is to be a supporter, and not an authority figure because his father was his authority figure and he has a power struggle towards it. If he senses that you lose respect for him, his feelings for you will be gone. What initially attracted you to him was that you are the one in control. He likes that because there is a part of him that wants the control he had lost as a child. Now he has problems with it because he is confusing having control as controlling, which are two different things.
If you have to end it, make alcoholism the issue, not sex. To drink is a choice, not an inadequacy. If you want to talk to him make it a point that you will always be there for him, be patient with him, only if he would stop drinking. Love is more important than sexual performance. Love enhances sexual performance. Give him space and distance, and welcome him back with love when he's ready.
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