A
female
age
30-35,
*ilemaaax
writes:Hi there, agony aunts.Just wondering if anyone has any tips on avoiding getting attached to guys.I am recently out of a long term relationship and very much playing the single card, but every time I get with somebody, for example, making out in a club, or hanging out a few times and casually hooking up (not sex), I end up becoming extremely attached to them, no matter how unsuitable they are. This is BAD because I do NOT want to get into another relationship, and most of these men are not interested in me in any way other than a bit of fun or a few casual dates.I have gotten into a terrible habit where once I have become attached to someone, I wean myself off them by finding someone else to "cling" to. Basically, I'm jumping from man-to-man to stop myself from getting that awful feeling when you're all alone, and it's making me an emotional wreck!!After being in a relationship for over 2 years, I have become very co-dependant and I am sure this is the root of my problem.ANY tips on how to cope with being alone, how to be less co-dependant, or how to prevent myself from becoming hopelessly (and painfully) attached to every guy I go on a date with, would be GREATLY helpful! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (16 May 2011):
 Beautiful feedback like that really me feel good, thank you so very much, Abella.
One more PS.
Compliments: - when someone receives a compliment and they reply with 'no i don't look good' or 'you don't mean this old jacket do you? It's so old' then that is NOT the way to respond to a compliment. Firstly it is an ungracious way to respond and Secondly it demonstrates that the recipient has low self esteem, and finally it insults the complimenter.
So when you receive a genuine nice compliment then the response is always to look at the complimenter and smile and thank them very much. You show respect, you concur with their genuine assessment, as they see it, and it is the gracious thing to do, and everone wins.
And I have just given your response five stars and added you to my list of favorite Aunts because Aunts really love direct feedback like that,
Regards
Abella
A
female
reader, ailemaaax +, writes (16 May 2011):
ailemaaax is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, thank you so much. You have no idea how much I appreciate you taking the time to respond in such great detail. It will take me a while to read over this post properly so that I can really take it all in, so as of right now I don't have much feedback.
I have always had trouble being independent, ever since I got my first boyfriend and learned how good it felt to be looked after, but I am trying to change that, even if I have to "fake" independence until it actually comes to me!
You are very right about the "People Poisoners". I know for a fact that there are certain people a associate with who poison an atmosphere, and have noticed that as soon as I find out they are attending an event or I see them, my mood drops.
I worry far too much about what other people think. I have always wanted to change my hair, as it has always been the same, but was always too scared that my friends wouldn't like it. I am a very insecure person. I am booking myself in for a complete hair makeover, fears it will look bad aside, and hopefully this can be one of my first steps on my way to a more independent and emotionally healthy me!
I will continue to examine your post over the next through days, it's going to take a lot to sink in! But I would like to thank you again, so much, for caring enough to respond. I wish I could replace the "People Poisoners" in my life with people like you. (: Thank you.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (13 May 2011):
It would seem your self esteem is currently sitting in a bucket in the corner gathering dust. Time to get it back and start rebuilding into something stronger.
Let the guys come to you and then you choose which one is for you. And it you have started something and it loses appeal for you end it then and there. Don't allow it to limp along.
Ask for what you want. others can only say no.
You are not complete with ANY man. You will only feel complete with the right man for you. So far you have not met him because you are not yet ready for him. he will be looking for a girl who stands up for herself, but can also be diplomatic and charming when it counts. He will appreciate a level of independence about you. He will not be threatened if you have a career.
Ask yourself every day when someone confronts you, 'is this good for me?' If it is not in your best interests then walk away. you do not need losers in your life. And you do not need to be used.
Try to stay away from negative people. Or stand up to them if you cannot avoid them. Same goes for selfish people and backbiting people. You do not need them. Same with catty or bitchy people. There is nothing uplifting nor smart about being bitchy or catty. Overly competitive people also inflict hurt and they would rather walk all over others the get ahead then show some genuine empathy and kindness and consideration for others for a change.
There are people I call "People Poisoners" and they are to be avoided too. They will poison an atmosphere because deep down they are inadequate losers. and Unhappy. So they want everyone worse off than them. They will lie and cheat and spread malicious rumors or try to manipulate people. If you feel you are being lied to or patronized then that is probably what is really happening. You can have a better life with three true friends that 250 people poisoners who want to claim to be your friend, when in truth they never never will be.
Never be afraid of making BIG changes in your life. Do you know that every time you change jobs or change where you live or change an aspect of you that you grow a little in confidence, after you have successfully gone through the stressful part - getting through the initial change, which is stressful. But good for your too.
Concentrate on you and your needs. Get a makeover. Change your hair. Get some pampering at a spa. You sure deserve it. speak to a consultant about revamping your wardrobe to reflect the new you.
Every situation can go one of several ways. Just attaching yourself to a guy is demonstrating poor self esteem and is doing you no good. Even if that has been the norm in your behavior you can still change that norm. Even if you refuse an offer for a guy or return home alone without accepting any offers from any guys, that is NOT failure.
It means that you know what you want and what you do not want. And that is a good state to be in.
Try to focus on the positive in every situation. But don't wear rose colored glasses around guys. Instead apply yourself to analyse guys before they even approach you. Assess them. And say NO immediately they approach you if you sense that they are not for you.
Develop a criteria on what you need in a guy and stick to that criteria. Make sure being respectful towards you is on that list.
And develop a list of your best points and the areas about you that you need to develop more.
get into a habit of doing good things for your health. If you start a habit of going for a brisk walk of 30 minutes every morning and do that without fail for six weeks then it is said that a habit repeated every day for six weeks becomes part of your routine from then on.
You are in charge of you. No one else. You need to know yourself better than anyone else. You are responsible for you and what you do and who you see, not one else.
And if you need to improve then no one is better than you to initiate that change and take the steps to get those changes happening.
Learn to compliment others. Only genuine real and truly felt compliments. And be specific. Now that sounds a bit strange? the aim is to build your self confidence and yet i am asking you to offer genuine real and truly felt compliments. How is building up others going to help build up you? Because it is positive. It makes someone else feel good and if you do it right they will return the favor.
And I do not mean "Mary you look nice today' NO NO No.
Instead try, 'Mary I love your new camel cord jacket, the cord is really fine and it really looks classy against your dark hair. Where did you get such a great jacket?'
Mary will glow with pride. She's made the effort to look good and you have recognised it. And in return she will feel extra positive about you. And you will bask in the glow of her reaction.
Stop thinking everyone else has it better than you. Sure other girls have great husbands and a great life style. But it did not happen over night. And they chose well. And they still work at it every day. it does not just fall in their lap. They make it happen.
And you can too.
Join a volunteer group in your spare time. Helping others really improves your self esteem.
Do things you love to do as it makes you feel good and improves your self esteem.
Read to improve your mind. It really does make a difference and allow you to have better converations with the guys you are interested in, in the future.
Good luck
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