A
female
age
30-35,
*usten.7
writes:I'm 20 years old and only a year from graduating college. I am the epitome of a hopeless romantic. My bookshelf consists of piles of historical and contemporary romances, love poems and fairy tales. I spend my Friday nights watching romantic comedies or writing short romances of my own. I dream of silent waltzes on the pier and kisses under a full moon as the waves crash around our ankles.But there's a catch.I've never been kissed. I've never had a boyfriend. I've only been on three dates and, quite obviously, I'm still a virgin.I don't pretend to think that I'm the only one in the world with this problem. With over 6 billion people in the world it's hard to believe I'm alone in all of this. But it doesn't change anything. I still FEEL alone.My question is really quite simple. How do you avoid this feeling? How do I stop myself from losing all hope of ever finding my Prince Charming, my Mr. Darcy, my Sir Lancelot?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 December 2010):
 It is a bit too early to get so discouraged , dear OP !
You are only 20 ! Why so negative ?... Why, I a have a son who's older than you and I still feel that I COULD meet
someone absolutely special , ( even if not necessarily princely ) !
It's never too late to wait for good things coming to you, to EXPECT them actually...the trick is not to forget to live your life , and enjoy it, while you are waiting !
And...if it still never happens... ?
Was Jane Austen despondent for having remained single ?...
According to her biographer, no she was not. Not particularly and not often at least. ( She will have had her "lonely " days like everybody else, I suppose ).
Remember : a man is a side dish in the banquet of your life :). It may be delicious, it may be scrumptious, it may be nourishing... but the main course is still and always YOU !
A
female
reader, austen.7 +, writes (11 December 2010):
austen.7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI suppose I should say that I don't pretend to harbor any illusions that love is what it is in books and movies. If anything, these fanciful notions of love-to-last-a-lifetime, happily-ever-after romances only make me less inclined to believe it really exists.
Is that even possible? To be an embittered hopeless romantic?
For all these years, I've been impossibly optimistic about love. About having that one person that loves you for exactly who you are. I told myself that God had a bigger plan for me. That I was just being "tested" and that all this waiting would prove worth it in the end.
But, and I don't know what changed my mind, recently I've developed a more cynical view.
I've never been beautiful. But I don't consider myself ugly. I'm just a plain, average girl who's been approached very, very little in her lifetime by the opposite sex in something other than friendship or no-strings-attached sex. And who's confidence is severely lacking.
And I do put myself out there. I volunteer my time working on the campus literacy outreach program, as publicity chair for Relay For Life, as a mentor to kids with learning disabilities. I sign up for classes at the local YMCA and I go out dancing with friends every other weekend.
And I know this romance nonsense is all just a bunch of hooey made up specifically for girls like me. Who haven't had experience. Who don't know anything about love.
But the worst part about it? Despite knowing this, despite being able to mentally separate the truth from the fiction, I STILL find myself with that heart sinking feeling at the end of that movie or that book asking myself: why can't I have that?, why can't that be ME?
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (9 December 2010):
 Stealing a quote from another aunt on this site: "Prince Charmings exist in fairy tales. It's probably time to get practical and look for plain old Mr. Charming, nice guy who'll be a little goofy, sometimes silly, occasionally stupid, but will love you."
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A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (7 December 2010):
 You have to let go of that dream if you ever want to carry on a successful long-term relationship, because no real man is like Prince Charming. Everyone has flaws, and by setting your expectations so high you're making it impossible for any decent man to meet your standards.
This doesn't mean you have to compromise and settle for just anyone that comes your way, but you'll have be to more realistic and realize there's no such thing as a fairytale ending in real life. Romantic movies and books are fantasy and exist to provide an escape, but don't apply to the real world at all. A successful relationship isn't effortless in the least, and not everything will just fall into place. By placing such high expectations upon a future partner the relationship is doomed to fail before it's even started, because something won't go according to plan and you may feel that means it's just not 'meant to be'.
In reality, the happiest couples are those that work hard towards building a life together, and appreciate each other that much more because of it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): Plain and simple, if you go looking for your Prince Charming you are setting yourself up for a disappointment, he doesn't exist, there isn't a perfect man out there and for that matter you aren't perfect, no one is, and I for one say thank goodness for that, how boring would life be if we were? This doesn't mean you won't mean a wonderful man, who will share you life, and you will be happy, but he won't make you happy you have to do that for yourself.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 December 2010):
I am a big Jane Austen fan, I read each of her novels maybe ten times or more.
And you know what I most admire in her ?
That she is very practical and down to earth. She tells it like it is. She's more into Sense than into Sensibility.
Don't read Jane Austen superficially. Sure, the plots, the descriptions ,the happy endings are romantic, but , go check :
Mr. Knighley is 17 years older than Emma ( in a time when they died much younger than now ). He is sort of an old bachelor, very opinionated and set in his ways, and very critical toward Emma. The real Prince Charming should have been Frank ,right ?, the young man who is so handsome ,vivacious and charming. But Emma prefers Knightley , that's sort of a bear -because she admires his moral fiber and sound principles.
Edward Ferrars is quiet,unassuming, not handsome or striking. A nerd, so to speak. But the girl chooses him, because she is won over by his mild manners and stability.
Mr. Darcy... well yes, Mr. Darcy is hot. But he is a pest with a horrible temper and a lot of hang ups. And he talks horribly about the Bennetts at the beginning of the book ( even if of course he make execellent amends later ).
And so on and so forth. In a way, the point of all J.A. novels is exactly this : there is no Prince Charming. The right man is not the fanciest , the flashiest, the most "romantic ", the one who makes the most extravagant
declarations or gestures of love. It's not Mr. Willoughby- at the end of the day, he is the fuddyduddy rheumatic Colonel Brandon.
Every relationship needs work on it -it needs adjustments ,compromises, patience , and shedding of juvenile infatuations. Good choices come from the heart ,but only if the brain approves them.
Trust Jane :)... I think she is still right...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): Like you, I am a hopeless romantic and always held onto the dream that my knight in shining armor would arrive. I imagined things just like you are describing. I read many of the posts in this site and I cringe. I read about threesomes, S&M, sex acts... you name it... and it makes me sick. Why? Because I am also a romantic.
I am now 50 and married 15 years. Our wedding song was 'Somewhere in Time' because that is the romantic idea I had of us. We were two lovers who had finally found our way home to one another. Our wedding was held in a historic garden along a river and we walked in cobblestone streets under the moonlight. We had a flute, a violin and a cello and drank champagne.
But life wasn't so magical.... and this 'dream' of romance took a fall. I had lived for so long in my mind and my desire for this sweetness that I found it difficult to live so basically... I honestly believed my husband and I would be locked in an eternal kiss. The romantic still burns inside of me. Here's the thing... even though romantic things happen around me... he may do this or that... I may do this or that.... It never 'feels' like the fantasy.
So, maybe the fantasy prevents us from really enjoying reality. Romantics are what keep the world in love and eternally sweet. Romantics have a heck of a time maintaining the 'dream'.... invariably the guy will always fail to meet the mark. He will never be the knight all of the time. He'll be the guy blowing his nose in the shower, cutting his toe nails, and blowing you off when you want to make love with him. He becomes too human to fit in the scenario.
What I am getting at is this... romantics are wonderful people... they have dreams of love and sweetness... so needed in this world. But, life can be messy and people can be messy... and they may never fit into the dream. So, is it impossible for you to have a boyfriend, or has your dream made it impossible? My knight in shining armor has been everything but that and it is hard for me sometimes... I have never lost my dream.
But I cannot help but wonder how much this dream may have gotten in my way... How perhaps this dream has become so magnificent that the reality of people and relationships could never measure up? Sometimes we can trap ourselves without even realizing it.
I had the wild romantic 'Somewhere in Time' thing with my husband for probably something like... 6 months when we first got together. Then it became life. When he buys me flowers... it is never like the 'dream' of a man buying me flowers. Do you see where I'm going with this?
I guess I want you to know that you aren't really alone ... there are others out there just like you... I too, felt very alone while I was single and always fantasized about my knight. That dream kept me single until I was 35.... and had I held onto it... I might still be single.
Even worse, I may have divorced my husband because of the lack of the 'dream' being made into reality... Romantics have a heck of a time.
I hope that you find your Mr. Darcy. But I want you to think about what I've written here. You are a romantic? Then find an occupation that celebrates beauty in all things. Find ways to live out your romanticism. Find a way to translate this unique and lovely point of view and find an outlet for it. You need to pull it out of the 'dream' and CREATE.
Create beautiful gardens, become an interior designer, a chef, or an artist... be it on canvas or in home decor. Find ways to CREATE beauty and the magic... pull it out of your head and make it real in this world. This way, when the awkward guy with a good heart comes along., and does everything wrong... maybe you'll be able to see the romance in his stumble or the romance in his toenail clipping.
Make your heart open to receive the good in people even if it is not like the dream... you can still live your dream.
Keep sweet and never let go of your sweet heart... it adds to this world immeasurably.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (7 December 2010):
 First things first - get your head out of these books and films and wake up to reality. There is NO such thing as prince charming, or Mr Darcy. You will never ever meet a man who comes close to one of the FICTIONAL characters - so any man you meet in the future you are only setting yourself up to be disappointed by.
The people that wrote these fairy tales and novels were pretty much just like you - dreaming of romance, they had never actually been in a situation like the one they were writing about. So you are basing all of your expecations of fiction written by people who also had no relationship experience, therefore everything you are dreaming about and hoping for in a relationship is sadly just a myth.
Real life is not like a hollywood movie, or a Jane Austen novel - real romances dont ever come close to what you read or see on film. So your question is how to avoid this feeling? Well start training yourself to take the books you read and the films you watch with a pinch of salt, and learn to understand that this is not real and no man on earth will ever resemble Mr Darcy or Prince Charming.
If you are lucky you will find a man who makes you laugh and who you have lots in common with, someone who makes you happy. There will be no waltzing (no-one knows how to waltz anymore, especially men!), there will be no moonlit kisses - it will probably be bumping into a nice guy in the gym, talking a bit, going for coffee, going out on a dinner date then in the cab on the way home he asks you to be his girlfriend.
If you hold onto these romantic fantasies you are only setting yourself up to fail - your expectations of romance are incredibly high so when you soon find out that there is hardly a man left on earth with a single romantic bone in his body then you will be devastated and will end lots of perfectly good relationships simply because it does not match up to what you thought you would feel based on what fictional characters felt.
Rom coms are made just to make girls feel happy and have a little cry - Hollywood exploits the soft side of us girls. There are in no way whatsoever realistic about real life relationships - in fact I would say The Hangover is about a hundred times more realistic about relationships than any rom com has ever been.
As for novels - especially the Jane Austen types, these were written hundreds of years ago when society was so fundamentally different to what it is now that it meant women did not work, go to school, they were not allowed to do much really apart from sit at home and learn to read, write and sew. Women back then were born to be wives, and their lives did not start until they became a wife. So all these wonderful novels were written by women waiting for a man to rescue them, to take them away from the family, marry them and then their purpose in life could be fulfilled.
But as you know society is massively different now, women are not treated this way thankfully however the down side is that men have less of a role in a woman's life so they have lost the romance and gentlemanly ways that were prevalent hundreds of years ago. Everything is different to the way it was back then - the way we meet men, the way men treat us, the man's role in a relationship...you name it, it has changed.
So no modern man is ever going to be able to be a Mr Darcy, because no such man exists any more.
So what I would say is that you need to put an end to this fantasy now, stop waiting to be rescued by Prince Charming up there in your Ivory Tower and start living your life. Stop watching the rom coms on Friday nights and go out with your friends. Get some new hobbies that do not involve anything romantic! Leave your house and get out into the real world, if you love books so much then spend some time at the library or book store and you never know, you might just bump into a nice guy who loves books too.
But the most important thing is to get out of your house more and surround yourself with more than just romances and fairy tales, if you spend more time with friends & family, and get some hobbies of your own that you can do alone or with new people. You will always be lonely if you keep living in this dream world, but if you actually get out there more then you give yourself more of a chance to meet guys.
There are so many ways to meet people, and everywhere you go really you have an opportunity to meet someone new. The only way of meeting someone by staying at home is online dating - so you are giving yourself a much better chance of success in dating if you actually get out there and meet new people.
I'm not saying it is bad to watch these films or read romantic novels - but what is very very wrong is taking them too literally and expecting real life to match up to these fictional stories. Change your perspective and start being more realistic, and then I am sure you will be happier. Plus, if you have new hobbies and broaden your horizons beyond all things romantic, you might actually have something interesting to say to a man! Whereas if all you talk about is Jane Austen and rom coms, you will never have a boyfriend because he will not have anything in common with you. You will be very hard pushed to find a man who shares your love of rom coms and Jane Austen novels!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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