A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have a very clingy boyfriend and I need help to tell him that. He's my first, and I've been with him for 2 years. During that time though, we had a lil' drama with a third-party and I broke up with him but later reconciled. Now however I'm overseas for 1 year and enjoying life away from home. He however can't seem to get over the fact even though it's been almost 2 months he's always "dying without me". He can't seem to live without me, always tells me how lonely he is, tells me he loves me too frequently. And he's very jealous and possesive. He gets jealous easily when I talk to guys, and just before I came overseas he's even jealous when I spend time with my girlfriends! He doesn't really tells me that though, instead, whenever I start spending more time with a friend/become closer to them, he will tell me that they are double-faced monsters and I should be careful of them. At first I actually believed him and lost a few friendships. But now it's beginning to be annoying because everyone I spend time with "is some evil person trying to backstab me". And now he tells me he's alone in the world with no one else except me because all his friends are useless backstabbers for telling him maybe he should back off abit and give me a lil' space. The problem is I don't know how to tell this depressed boyfriend that him stifling my freedom is turning me off. I can't seem to feel any love for him anymore and that scares me. I NEED my own life and he's much too clingy, how can I approach him about it(we mostly contact through email and phone)to work it out? I don't want to end the relationship overseas because I'm afraid he might fall into real depression/hurt himself.
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female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (9 April 2007):
 Hi IS insecure and he must be missing you badly. The best way to go about making him less clingy is to reassure him. Let him know you love and miss him too, let him know what you're doing from time to time too. If you're out with friends tell him you had an okay time but you missed him and wished he was there too. This will not only make him feel better but it will reassure him that you're not running off with someone else behind his back.
If however, you are feeling your own independence and don't have the same feelings for him any more then that is a completely different kettle of fish but you are not responsible for him, he is old enough to be responsible for his own actions. If you're only luke warm with him now and not as mad on him as you used to be then let him know you had a good time and you're starting to find your feet. Encourage him to go out with friends and enjoy himself. It might be a good idea to let him know you can't get on your pc as much as you'd like to (make up an excuse) but you will keep in contact with him as best he can. Try and keep texts/emails/phone calls to one or twice a week. This will give you some space and it will give him time to think about things, he might think you're doing it because you don't have the same feelings for him anymore, he may even ask you that. If he does then that's your chance, not to drop a bombshell but to let him know that you ARE enjoying your new found freedom and you KNOW you're not ready to settle down and get too serious.
I don't think he will try anything silly like hurting himself, he may tell you that but that's only to make you feel guilty. It's a form of control, don't fall for it! If he starts arguing with you then you can say you need space from him to "think..." Even if you know you don't want to continue with him. If he tries to get in contact with you during this "space" then don't answer him. Get in touch with him again after a couple of weeks and let him know that you want to cool things down a bit and let him know he's free to go out with others. He won't be happy about it but at least you're being honest with him.
Eve
A
female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (8 April 2007):
 Your guy seems extremely insecure. His way of trying to isolate you from your friends is really unhealthy. It would probably do him good to talk to a professional.
If he reacted badly to his friends telling him that he needs to give you space, then I don't see how you're going to break it any easier to him. In any case, there wouldn't be any point in it, since you seem to have made up your mind to break up with him anyway.
If you're going to be gone for 10 more months, then I suggest you end things now, even though you can't do it face to face.
If you believe he would hurt himself if you would break up with him, then you can ask one of his friends to keep an eye on your guy.
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