A
male
age
51-59,
*nquisitor
writes:Please help! I am still coming to terms with my wife having a full-blown emotional and physical affair with an older man.What I absolutely cannot get out of my head are the thoughts and images of these two people going at it - this man doing things to my wife that I should be doing and her doing things on him which should be for me alone.I know it is a completely useless exercise to dwell on these things, that it only causes me pain and brings nothing to my life. But I cannot stop the images!! They are really haunting me. This then makes me bitter and my wife starts to feel my negative attitude towards her, which is not helping any sort of reconciliation.I have a therapist and she has told me that when such images come to mind, I should just think of the man as a metaphor and that he just represents to my wife everything that is wrong in the relationship. That might well be true, but it does not help me turn the images off.Please - other people must surely have gone through this nightmare. How do/did you deal with these images? How long did they linger and how do you get rid of them? I am going insane and I don't think it is jealousy, it is rather a sickness to my stomach that my wife could betray me so badly.Many thanks for your time in responding.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2011): I'm going through a similar dilema, only difference though is that it did not get to the point of them being physical. The hardest thing though is to hear actual conversations between the two of them. Had I not known what they talked about I probably would not be feeling as bad as I do. It's a very difficult process but one that I must deal with as I have been married 17 years. At times I look at my wife and try to figure out who this person is. It's as though I'm getting to know her for the very first time. I heard a different side to her when I recorded her conversation with this guy. It made me sick to my stomach. She was anticipating on a sexual encounter with him but it never got to that because I interrupted it when I had confronted her. Believe you me, if you have a slight suspision that your wife is cheating on you, then she's probably cheating on you. I have to consider the length of time that I've been married and our two children. When I confronted her about it and she denied it I told her I wanted a divorce. My children heard the conversation and they tripped out. It's very hard when children are involved and so your decision must be carefully considered on how to deal with it. We both decided to see a therapist who helped us figure this all out. I'm not 100% over this, not even close but it's a work in progress. It's only been 5 months since this all happened to my marriage.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 May 2011):
 I don't agree with Eddie on this:
"that somehow her betrayal is your fault -- or that you were lacking in someway in the bedroom."
If I understand correctly, this is not what the therapist said. She wants you to think of the man as a metaphor, and to think of him as what is wrong in the relationship. I assume the therapist means "the relationship between the poster and his wife". But I never saw any reference to performance in bed, or heard her say that the cheating is the poster's fault.
This is important to mention because the idea here is to help the poster, not to add to his burden. If there had been any reference to sexual performance or the like, then I would keep my mouth shut in this regard.
Plus, I do believe that relationships are usually spoiled by both parties, but I don't think cheating is the non-cheating party's fault. To me, this is the easy way out: "You made me do it".
As to your question, poster, all I can offer is this: either you get over the cheating, or you don't. If you make the decision to get over it, and manage to do it, then those images will disappear on their own.
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A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (13 May 2011):
 It sounds like you are still dealing with the grief and resentment of your wife's betrayal.
I agree with your therapist's assessment... I think you need to realize that you are punishing yourself and that somehow her betrayal is your fault -- or that you were lacking in someway in the bedroom.
I think at this point that your best bet is to give it time and be patient with yourself. Your emotions are still very raw at this point and as time goes on, you'll get tired of the negative thought patterns and they will probably stop on their own accord. In the meantime, I'd focus on repairing your relationship with your wife as best as possible and focus on feeling good about yourself -- take up a hobby, hit the gym, go hang out with friends, volunteer... do something that is going to make yourself "get out of yourself"
Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, Sparta +, writes (13 May 2011):
 I am sorry to hear about your marital issues. There is no easy answer to this question. Most often infidelity ends a marriage. First you have to ask yourself if you love your wife enough to stay with her to work this out. If not there is no need to fight through that pain even though they'd still be with you for a while. If you are serious about keeping this marriage and trying to reconcile. I would advise looking into your relationship; why did she cheat in the first place? Was she feeling lonely and needed support that was not given? Was it lust bound? Was it a cry for help in already existing problems? I do not know how this all occured; you may or may not but these are questions that should be asked. Maybe if you find and fix the problems in your marriage; and understand them you will find a way to forgive your wife and move on to where these images will disolve. I cannot say they will not come back ever; infidelity is something you will never forget. But if you love your wife unconditionally; you may be able to find some comfort. Maybe even rekindle the love you once shared.
Best of luck for you; I hope you find your answer. Hope I was of help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2011): Sorry I'm not quite sure from your post.. Are you still with this woman? I haven't been in your shoes here but I know somone else who has and it was soul destroying. The only thing I can really say is that it's not healthy to stay with someone who's betrayed you in such a way. I cannot imagine it's possible nor controlable to block out the thoughts; an affair is something that will most likely haunt you to some extent forever, if you remain with that person. You are only in your 40's, although it may seem a scary thought to part ways and move on from someone you may have spent a large part of your life with, but the quality of any relationship overides the quantity. I hope you manage to get over your situation, no good woman would do such a thing to you, of course you're going to be left feeling bitter and negative towards her, she should expect no less, good people do not cheat. My advice is to distance yourself and do what's best for you, all the best.
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A
female
reader, Gherkinsaregrim  +, writes (12 May 2011):
When a now ex boyfriend told me he had cheated I had exactly the same problem. If I am honest the way I got rid of the images in my head was by ending the relationship, this doesn't sound like it's what you want to do and I'm not suggesting you do, just adding what worked for me.
Perhaps try filling time? Try and make sure you don't have a chance to sit and wallow.
have you confronted your wife about this? It might be a good first step.
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