| A
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I used to have a "thing" with a guy. That ended a while ago then he got a girlfriend who lives in the same town as him. He lives hours away from me. So, he's been with her nearly two years but for nearly a year and a half of that he's been coming on to me. I met up with him a while ago because he was in town and said he wanted to catch up over a drink. At the end of the night he wanted me to come back to where he was staying but I decided against it.He told me I'm "stunning" and he wants to fool around even though he's with her. I haven't and I won't. What's bothering me is I feel a lot of, I'm not going to say "hate" because I don't know her, but dislike towards this girlfriend. I know I should feel sorry for her about what he's doing but I don't I just feel jealousy and resentment. I just think it's unfair that I'm hurting and she's happy.How do I stop feeling like that?I was never his girlfriend we had a casual thing a while back. He said a relationship wouldn't work because of the distance. Don't really believe that but that's what he said at the time.He text me a few weeks ago because he wanted to meet up. I said no.
View related questions:
jealous, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (29 May 2011):
 Don't blame yourself for getting feelings for this guy. I am embarrassed to say that as a teenager I had pictures of certain (then) very popular singers. And I would stare at those pictures like I knew them well (though of course I did not).
Your attraction to him was more personal than mine above. You did spend time with this guy. You did develop some feelings. And a lot of what is hurting you is about 'what might have been.' So of course you see this other girl thwarting your chances with this guy, re, 'what might have been.'
But the reason it did not become more is because his feelings for you were not as you wished. He does not see you as a permanent partner, but just as a casual 'extra.'
That is sad for you.
But it also tells you to look at a guys actions, look at how he treats others, especially how he treats and interacts with his friends. Never be in a hurry to get involved sexually too soon after meeting a guy. Don't just be swayed by a guy's words and his sex appeal. Observe a guy well, before you allow him to become more to you.
Do not bother with guys who push with a sense of urgency or worse, by issuing any ultimatum that suggests you will lose him if you do not give him sexual favors early in any just starting relationship.
If you and a guy are meant to be together then he will be patient and respectful and build the trust between you and him.
But this guy and you had a casual relationship that might have developed into more, but has not. Don't become mired in the 'what might have been' trap. As it will just prevent you going forward.
I am not sure you can easily stop hating this girl. So perhaps try a little ritual. Find a picture of her, or just write her name on a piece of paper. Scatter some rose petals on the paper. Then fold up the paper and the petals and put some ribbon around the folded paper with petals inside, and tie it up like a little parcel.
Then go to a river or flowing water near you. Drop the little parcel into the river and as it floats away tell yourself, 'flow away feelings of hate, I do not need those feelings of hate anymore.'
Tell yourself when you wake the following morning 'my feelings of hate have floated away, i am free of hate'
Hope it works.
No guarantees, but these feelings of hate have been a millstone around your neck for too long. And you do need to be free of them as they do you no good.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone. Abella, your answer made a lot of sense. He has dated this girl in the past though, for about 10 months then he went travelling so they broke up.
I have a feeling he was planning on getting back together with her when he got back from travelling but failed to mention that to me.
Our "thing" lasted about 6 months when he got back then he got back with her. To be fair, even though we know each other from school we don't know much about each other's lives. It was mostly physical, for him anyway.
His girlfriend is from his uni so i guess he knows her properly where as i'm maybe just someone he liked the look of but he knew he was getting back together with her so didn't bother getting to know me.
I know it's really immature to dislike this girl but every time i see a picture of them it brings back all the pain i felt when i first found out he'd started dating her. I shouldn't have been so stupid to develop some kind of feelings towards him but it happened. It probably hurt more because i felt like an idiot for thinking he might have wanted more. Instead, he gets with her.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 May 2011):
You had a casual thing with him. But you think she has it better? I doubt that. I think she is starting to see through him.
Feel sorry for any girl who settles for him. Because he's already proved he is shallow and a cheater. Don't hate her, because that will just stop you moving on and getting your life well 'on track'.
But him?
Be very thankful that you are no longer saddled with him. Even in just a casual fashion. And well done that you resisted him recently.
This guy will limp through life using girls who have not yet woken up to the fact that he has nothing to offer except broken trust, broken promises, infidelity, lies, manipulation.
Don't waste your time trying to appeal to this loser of a guy.
Remind yourself that you are lucky he is no longer your 'casual friend'.
Rather than hate the girl you should appreciate that she took this problem guy off your hands. I suspect she is starting to see through him, hence him trying to reconnect with you again.
Better that you cut all ties with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 May 2011):
 Yeah, that's curious- if you really really have to hate , why don't you hate the guy who is a cheater , a manipulator and a wanna-be user.
Or why don't you hate your weakness ,that prevents you to make a clean break with this messy situation. I think that if he has been coming on to you for the past 18 months !, well you haven't been very good or convincing in telling him to get lost and don't try his moves on you any more.
Hating or resenting or begrudging is anyway a big waste of time and energy and always happens when we get stuck in the past, and in things that are out of your control and out of your buiness.
Decide once for all to put a big tombstone over your "thing ", and start thinking about YOUR life and relationships , not about his. Once you have firmly committed to move on ( which you haven't done, if you are still in touch with him ) it will become every day easier and easier.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2011): This guy is not worth it. Hopefully his current girlfriend is going too see this soon. His un trustworthy, his sneeky and his tring to make you his booty call. Even if they did break up, imagine how you would feel to be in the same situation as his gf is?
I believe ts jealousy your feeling more than hate. And do you really want to be with a guy like this anyway? His a player.
...............................
A
male
reader, a-g55  +, writes (27 May 2011):
 You need to fight fire with fire. you need to start saying yes girl!.
you are going to have to seem better than her. more sexy, more adventurous.
Listen to pussycat dolls- doncha wish your girlfriend was hot like me.
Make him want you more than her. Turn your hate into something positive, dont just meet him. make him have the time of his life!
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 May 2011):
 good for you for saying no
you're a potential booty call to him
you're jealous of a woman who has no clue her boyfriend is a lying cheater... she's happy because she's clueless....
how would you feel if you loved someone and you thought they were faithful and they were not?
how to stop feeling jealous... pretend he's cheating on you with her... see her side of it... see that he's no prize. he's a liar and cheat... and pretty scummy if he gives you the line that he does not think an LDR will work but LD-sex is ok...
...............................
|
