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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: How do I stop feeling the need to give a valid reason when refusing something?First of all I'd like to let you know that I never blame other people for trying to get their way. This is ALL on me.I had this problem for as long as I can remember. My mother wanted to help me out, but she herself didn’t like it when I didn’t do things her way. And I know that I am not the only one and I know that women mostly complain about this particular need to please. I’m going to give you a couple of situations, even though everything boils to avoiding conflict and not being rude.Recently, s friend asked me for a favor. Again.It was a job she wanted me to do for free. Again.The first time I did something like that for her, she was starting out and I wanted to help her out by editing her book for free. (A side-note: since it was in our native tongue, it’s was not a cheap thing to do, since native speakers who can do this kind of work are few and far apart). The next time, I asked how much it was paid, since this second book project too was financed by a state institution. She didn’t give me a precise answer and decided to find someone else. I was surprised to learn, that that someone else (her lover) was paid, when she asked me to correct the work he had done. She completely forgot that she had tried getting me to do it for free, but she wouldn’t pay me. (I know at this point you may ask what kind of a friend is THAT?). This time, she called again for the same thing and was very vague about the money, but since she was in a hurry she wanted me to start working ASAP. Instead of just saying that I didn’t want to do it, I said I didn’t have the time. I wanted to avoid a possible unpleasant situation and further insisting on her part. I managed to do the former but not the latter. She tried to convince me on two more occasions (still no info about the money) and I just repeated the “no time” reason. Or a most recent example. A friend of ours asked us if she could come with us for a swim (we live at the seaside and the beaches are still open). We said OK. When we came to pick her up, instead of asking us both or my husband, whose car we took, she chose to ask me (fully aware that I’m less inclined to say no) if she could take her dog. I knew my husband wouldn’t agree but instead of saying so, I told her to ask him. He too felt uncomfortable saying no, because now he was being put on the spot (that’s how he explained it), so we took the dog. I have a problem with people who try to manipulate me. This friend knew she wanted to take her dog with her, but instead of saying so on the phone (in which case we would have told her to take her own car), she waited until we drove across town and chose me.I also have problems even when I clearly say something, because some people who don’t agree tend to test my boundaries. I explained to all of my friends and family that during the pandemic I want to respect the measures and if they want to hang out with me they need to do so too. If they need help I’m here, but I won’t be going to restaurants etc. I wanted to minimize the risk. What hit me was that they wanted to know WHY as if I didn’t have the right to make such a decision during the pandemic. I AM immune compromised due to the anti-inflammatory meds I take daily, BUT I hated the fact that I needed to explain myself and reaffirm these boundaries almost every single time. Even though I did it in a nice way, I was somehow a “party-pooper” for reminding them all that the virus is still out there. I also hated the fact that they treated my husband and me on an occasion as if we were hypochondriacs and that all this was in our heads.Whenever I started affirming myself, which mostly happened when my back was put against a wall, people who had pressured me kept saying that I had changed and then gave some reasons. When my childhood friend finally accepted that I’m not her shrink and that she cannot call me whenever she’s frustrated (3 AM when a a guy tending tending the bar "ignored her"), she blamed my husband even though I had told her directly that I couldn’t be in that kind of relationship not then but EVER. So… how does one say NO to people who already know her/him as an “easy target” without hiding behind “valid reasons” and not alienate everybody? Thank you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2020): You were concerned about their reaction to you not being willing to go to restaurants during the crisis - yet you say to them - if you need help I am here - if you go around telling people they can always come to you for help then of course you will be at the top of their list of people to go to when they want favours. Don't be so quick to offer if you do not like it. It ought to depend on who you are doing the favour for, how much they do for you, and what the favour is - not a guaranteed yes to everyone under any circumstances.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2020): Part of the problem is that many women are not very responsible, not ambitious, not hard working - sometimes damn lazy. Hence whenever I meet a woman who has a job she tells me she does something like bar work, shop work, delivering leaflets through letter boxes, stuff that just about anyone with two arms, legs and a head can do. But something they do not enjoy much which pays badly. If they have a profession the odds are they are a nurse. But if it is a man the odds are he is a surgeon or doctor, he is more educated, has worked his way up, has got promotions.
IF I meet a writer and he is a male he has succeeded, he has had books published, he earns his living by writing. He has a great lovely apartment, nice car, great holidays and all the things he wants as a reward for his time, skills and efforts. I have met at least a hundred women who claim to be writers, not one of them has ever been paid or had anything published unless they paid to have their own book published - ego writing - and then nobody bought it.
Some women want to be mothers and much prefer to be a stay at home mom, they marry and get their husband to be the go getter, the responsible one, he pays the bills. If they do any work it is something easy and menial, it could never keep them and it is usually part time.
So of course people do not take women so seriously.
The trouble is that some women, like me, really do work hard and succeed. They do get a good education, learn skills, get trained, put in long hours, yet simply because they are a female that counts for very little and they are still expected to be a convenience or drudge to others when it suits them.
You still need to stand your ground and be firm. Do not make it easier for people to assume that you are a convenience. If they want you to do them favours because it saves them time or it saves them money this is a damn cheek, it is not something that a normal or nice person would expect.
And remember you might know lots of people but very few are real friends. If they do not bother with you until they want something, if they never offer you help or comfort or joy, if they never reach out for just your company and your smile, if they do not need to keep in touch with you through the good times, they are not friends.
People who live abroad and just email now and then?
The best that could be is a penfriend. And it seems like they only want a penfriend when it is to save them worry, inconvenience and time, not even a proper penfriend.
Be more discerning.
If you make do with crap people you will get crap.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2020): She asked you to do some work for free, she then gets her boyfriend to do it and pays him. But then gets you to correct his mistakes for free. Can you see how ridiculous this is?
How come he gets paid - you have to put right what he did wrong - which proves he was useless at it - then you do it anyway - but he got the money?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2020): How about seeing that the person who is making these demands of you has no right to and is out of order? Look to how they are thinking and how they are trying to treat you instead of how you are?When I moved to my new area it soon became known that I was a successful business woman with a lot of staff, but I was cutting down my working hours and wanting to get out and socialise. I met an older lady who was frail. She told me that she needed me to go to her house regularly to do the housework, chores, garden, take her to the shop and all sorts. She spoke to me as if I were a turd on the bottom of her shoe.Apart from the fact she really wanted a carer without paying for one and was just trying to use me to save money. IF I had wanted to do more work I would stick to the well paid interesting work I am used to, not something boring and unpaid.But what got me was that I was telling a neighbour about it and the neighbour said something like "ah but if you go and do all of her chores for her she might end up liking you and if she does then she might decide she wants you to be a friend of hers and she might allow you to visit and socialise with her". In other words I should save her lots of money every week and have no life in order to buy her friendship! That would be a very expensive friendship. And, frail or mean and selfish old ladies are not really the sort of people I wanted to be friends with.I am sure that if this woman had a nice daughter who was local the daughter would not have devoted so much time to her.Of course, as these people were females who had never worked it never occurred to them that I take work seriously, I also have to think of my many staff, and I also have to have an income to cover my costs and pay my bills. They had never had to think of these things, they had always left that to a husband or the Government hand outs.Value yourself, if you do not value yourself nobody else ever will.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2020): Personally I do not see why you have to give a valid reason as to why you say no. Whenever I have done this with people it turns into a long and pointless dialogue where they look for ways to convince you that you are wrong.I once had a stranger tell me that I should give her £50,000. I said no. Why not she said. Then she accused me of not being a christian, saying that if I was a caring, decent christian I would say yes. Really? Don't think so. She had no idea of what my income was or how much money I had. For all she knew I was as poor as her. But like a lot of people she assumed that as I live in a very big house I must be rolling in money and I should share it with the whole World. I pointed out to her that yes I DO have a lot of money, but only because for years I worked long hours seven days a week. She could do the same thing if she wanted a lot of money. Why would I work very long hours seven days a week and then hand it out to a load of lazy strangers?Be kind to real friends. But don't think you can turn an acquaintance into a friend by buying their friendship. The most you will get out of it is the chance to work for free and demean yourself. You will also lose their respect.I have clients who respect me, they make an appointment to speak to me and pay for my time. They respect me.I meet acquiantances who think that because we met at such and such they can have consultations with me for free, they also assume they can just turn up when they fancy one, without making an appointment, they also assume that if they want to they can be here all day or for hours and hours, when my clients know they are limited to half an hour tops. Nobody who has a reasonable character or is fair to others would ever expect this.If I was stupid and soft I would be earning nothing at all and have thousands of clients who just come and go whenever it suits them. My life would be just sitting there all day listening to them, morning, noon and night.What a great life that would be? I would never get a chance to have a normal life, go out or do fun things.. let alone things I need to do such as cleaning the house or walking the dogs.Sometimes people come to me for help because they see me as that successful businesswoman who is good at making decisions and solving problems and knows all the answers. But that does not explain why they think that in their case it is free, or they do not need an appointment.I remember when I retired from my original successful business because I desperately wanted more free time.And some selfish and stupid person said to me ah now you can give free consultations to everyone. NO. IF I value my time enough to turn down paid ones I am certainly not going to do free ones. Time is money, time is precious, I never give away professional time or time to strangers for free. Because I know that I would have no time for me then and just be taken for granted.Either I sell professional time or I have more spare time for me.I used to help people years ago like this and I know.I once helped a very rich lady with a lot of free work.One day she told me about her latest wonderful holidayand how much she had enjoyed it. I was struggling to pay my bills, yet she had a fantastic life and lots of terrific holidays, yet never thought of offering me anything for all of my time and work. Because I had given her so much time I had literally paid for her holidays for her.I also remember once when I was very ill and had to have an operation. I was feeling very down about it as I lived alone and knew I would come back to an empty house to recover. Lots of people around my way knew about this.Not one rang to wish me well. Not one offered to help.Not one rang me when I came home to ask if I was alright or to cheer me up with a chat. These are all people who do not work and have loads of free time. Yet five of them were quick to ring when they wanted me to do them favours. Not one of them asked how I was It was all about me helping them. I cut all five out of my life permanently. So remember that if people ask a lot of you i.e. giving a lot of time to helping them get paid to writing a book - those people are not fair people. They are selfish people. Mean people. Do you really want mean people in your life?I would bend over backwards for a real friend, if they are the same with me. But if their idea of friendship is to only come to me when it suits them to gain something - free work, money or whatever, and they forget I exist all the rest of the time, they can get lost.I am the same with people who mess me around.I once knew a woman who said she wanted to meet up for a coffee. I explained to her that I have lots of appointments and must make an arrangement and stick with it. We arranged it for in a month's time. She did not work at all. I was working long hours. On the day itself she rang me ten minutes before we were due to meet to say she cannot come as she is meeting up with a friend!She could easily have arranged to see that friend another day - she was free every day. She did not need to change our arrangement. Nor to leave it to the last minute.She tried to arrange something else, and I knew that she would once again cancel at last minute if it suited, that I would be her plan B for if nothing more exciting came up. So I refused.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2020): I feel for you but you are just one of the women who get this problem. All women get it. We all get it far more than men? Why? Because we are supposedly less busy than men, we have less responsibilities (not in my case, I have more) and our time is less valuable.Most of the women I have met or know have never worked or have only done a very easy, menial, badly paid part time job. They have no idea of how time is money or time is precious. But they automatically assume that a man's time is valuable because most men work full time and are the breadwinners. Even if that man earns a lot less than some women. The average woman who says she works self employed does something like an Avon round, where she earns very little and it pays very badly, so people do not take women as seriously as men.My partner, a man, has a lot of responsibility and is very busy but he charges for his time, it is his business, his job. So do I. Yet when people contact him about work they ask how much it is and when he will be available. With me they think they can tell me when it will be and assume it is free or cheap. Some of them even have the cheek to assume I will have a very long chat on the phone with them first and write lots of emails back and forth to persuade them to spend a tiny amount of money on my services - where the amount they would eventually maybe pay would never cover all of that time.Women are supposed to be more family orientated and keen on children and babies.I used to have a "friend" who expected me to take care of her two children for weekends so that she could go off having a great time - but she expected me to close down my business for three days losing three days money to do that. She knew I was living alone and having to pay the bills so it was a very selfish ask, I could not afford it. If I could have afforded to have time off of work I would have been going off enjoying myself, not doing unpaid work as a baby sitter instead of paid work.I remember another "friend" expected me to take a week off of work - unpaid - so that I could help her to decorate her front room. She could have paid a decorator or done it herself. Because she did not work she did not think about or care that I would lose a whole week's money. And anyway, decorating is not what I do, I pay people to do mine. Why would I do someone else's if I don't do my own?I work from an office next to my house during the day. It is a proper office. But it is conveniently situated right next to the house. Nearly every woman I meet gets it into her head that means that when she is bored, lonely, upset or whatever she can just turn up and tell me all about it for hours. Would they do that with a man? No. When I point out that I work by appointment and people cannot just drop in they go all huffy.When I point out I need people to arrange a day and time and stick to it they go huffy. Even though they do not work and have masses of spare time. They hate the idea they are tired to a day and time because something more exciting might come up for that day at the last minute. They want me to be their plan B. I am not interested in meeting up with people who only want me when it is convenient to them and when they want favours. When I point out that I don't turn away work just to sit around chatting in the office to other people they go huffy.A few years ago I went to a social group, unfortunately for me one of the people there recognised me from newspaper and magazine clippings and knew who I was. They enthused about how they had always wanted to meet me.They told the others at the group who I was and they all went on about how much they wanted to talk to me properly (in other words free professional consultations, as all of them could have arranged and paid for consultations in the past). Four of the people in the group said they knew which road I live in and asked me what my house number was - telling me that when they needed (free) advice they would turn up on my doorstep. Really?I politely pointed out all consultations are by appointment only - on the phone, I don't let clients come over. And all appointments are paid for in advance. The four of them went all huffy and funny with me. Yet none of them would let people they have only met five minutes ago go around theirs whenever they fancy or get free work from them.It would be ridiculous if my clients could not come over and had to make do with phone calls and paying first.But people I have just bumped into and barely know who are not paying a penny can come around, and just turn up whenever they want.I remember I met a woman who told me she took her husband to a club every wednesday morning but it meant that she was at a loose end for a few hours while he was there.She expected me to rearrange wednesdays and turn away clients so that every time she dropped him off she could come over and have a coffee and a chat until she had to pick him up again. What got me was that I did not know her, yet she expected this. She did not ask if it was convenient or ok with me, she just told me. She needed somewhere to go because otherwise she would have to drive home and back and that was a long drive. In truth she could have gone to a coffee bar and sat and read a book on her own, or she could have walked around the shops. But who was she to assume I should turn away paid work and keep her company so that she does not have to drive further? Why did she assume it was up to me to sort out her problem for her?The last thing I want when I am not working is sitting around talking. I sit around talking to people at work. It is far too much of the same thing. When I take time off of work it is for something more worthwhile or interesting. I would have got behind with work, paying my bills and helping clients. She got very uppity and told everyone I was cold and selfish when I said no. The interesting thing is that the women she told about this thought ooh that woman was nasty to say no to that and assumed I should cancel my morning's work to suit her.Where the men she said it to thought how selfish it was of her to expect me to.Even though I said it in a very polite and nice but firm way. I know there were other people she could have gone and sat and chatted to for a while, people she knew better, friends, but she did not want to ask them for fear of offending them and because she respected they were busy! Too busy means not sitting around twiddling their thumbs as an inconvenience - I work full time and they do not work at all.It ought to occur to these people that a woman who lives alone with a big house to pay for needs to take their work seriously, they cannot afford to treat it casually like a hobby. But they are either too selfish or too stupid to think of that.One of the most ridiculous and cheekiest ask was an elder at a local church. I am not religious but we got to know each other a little and he got it into his head that a woman who is living alone and working from him needs more to do. He expected me to spend all day every day on my computer looking up grants from the Government for his church. This would mean neglecting my own paid work that pays the bills. And it is the sort of work I would have passed on to junior staff and not done myself. It never occurred to this guy that I had a very responsible position, was well educated and had qualifications - that my time was valuable. He was talking to me as if I was a bored housewife. He expected me to work full time for free for him, doing something boring and menial, when I am used to being the boss who gives orders to my own staff. I am sure that if I had been a man he would not have thought of him as someone with lots of spare time or whose time was worth nothing. It ought to have occurred to him that a woman living alone in such a huge house must have a successful business with a good income and be taking work seriously.He had no idea of what sort of business I ran and never asked. All he thought about was how wonderful it would be for me to work for him full time for free.To give you an idea of how sexist many people are. And how true it is that many see men as breadwinners and women as people who do nothing and are useless unless just taking care of babies, housework etc. I once had an old lady turn up on my doorstep, a complete stranger. She told me that her and her friends have been trying to work out how I can afford my huge house. They knew from gossip I am a woman living alone and could not figure it out. She said that one of her friends guessed I had won the lottery. Another of her friends guessed I had rich parents. Another guessed I had a rich husband who paid me off or died. And her guess was that I used to be a prostitute! They were all judging me by their own very low standards. None of them had ever worked hard or used their brain so they assumed it was the same with me.That women can only do well if they get help from parents, husband, luck or selling their body. How insulting.This same woman - a year later - had found out who I am and wanted to have consultations with me. She turned up on my doorstep demanding free consultations! She would not do that with a man. And of course the answer she got was a very firm no, goodbye.
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reader, AnnaGreen  +, writes (10 September 2020):
 I feel sorry for people who feel that they must justify their decisions and defend themselves, it shows a lack of confidence and self esteem. People pick up on this and take advantage and twist it to their advantage.You need to decide which is more important to you - standing your grand and being you - putting your feelings and needs first - or giving into people so that you are more popular. But remember, it is not really popularity if you have to be different and false to yourself and they only like you if you do what they want... it is called cupboard love. They love you there and then for a day or two, because you do want they want, they do not really like you as a person. If they respected you and cared about you nine times out of ten they would not even ask you to do any of these things.Sometimes people only ask people who they know to be soft, people who are people pleasers, those who lack confidence, not because they like them but because they are easy targets, push overs.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2020): At first glance this situation seems very cut and dry. It is easy to say to the person stand your ground, say no, but one of the reasons they get upset is because it is always them that is being asked and expected to do things. Them, nobody else. It is also easy to assume the person is weak and comes across as having no confidence, so people know they can play them easily. This is not always the case.I am a successful businesswoman, own a lot of businesses which I run single handedly without any problems or headaches. I am a no nonsense person who makes a decision and sticks to it. Capable and confident.Yet, because I was a woman living on my own - aged in my 50s, for a while, anyone I met would take it into their head that I was just there to do their bidding. Presumably if you are female and live alone and your office is in your house that is what you are there for.You do not have a life, you do not need privacy, you are never too busy etc.Sometimes I would ask these people why me and they would say well all of my friends are busy! Yet I was working long hours and their friends did not work at all! What they really mean is they were scared to ask their friends for fear of losing their friendship or the friend simply said no and they did not want to push it. But because they did not know me properly and I was expendable they did not care how I felt or how busy I was, none of that mattered in my case.It was also very obvious that if I had been a man and in exactly the same situation they would not have asked, they would have thought oh he is busy running his businesses. Much of this came from them being women who had never worked or only worked for a few hours a week doing a menial job and had no concept of being busy running a business.Hence if I said they could come over to see me at 3 pm when I finish seeing my clients they would think it is alright to totally ignore this and turn up at 12 noon instead, and then get annoyed when I am too busy with clients to answer the door.Again, if a man said to them not to come before 3 pm they would listen or blame themselves if they got there three hours earlier when it was inconvenient to come to the door.People have this idea that women are people pleasers, that they are not important in their own right, that their feelings and needs do not count, or they can go to their family or find a man to help them if they need to, but in the meantime they must help everyone else.I think one of the worst things that happened was when a total stranger who lives nearish to me turned up on my doorstep. She did not tell me her name or say hello in a normal way. She announced she is getting married soon and she needs me to pay for her big lavish wedding and honeymoon. And she really thought that she could just tell me this and I had to say yes. Of course I said no.She tried to turn this into an argument where I was supposed to justify why I said no!I found out afterwards that she was big in the local church - she had mental health issues. It concerned me that she went around to visit people looking to what she could con out of them financially and I reported her to her church. A year later she turned up on my doorstep telling me she needs me to give her a lot of money as her boyfriend is at home all day bored playing computer games and needs more money to buy more games and a new console!Please don't tell she would have had the cheek to go to a man and say this. And I am sure that if I had had a partner then she would not have dared. But because I was living alone with no partner, no kids etc, I got this sort of thing all of the time.I can think back to loads of people who would ignore me for ages, no Christmas card, no good wishes, no asking how I am, no including me in their list of people to invite to their birthday party etc, yet running to me for money or free advice that many pay handsomely for and thinking it alright and fair. Many of them had no idea of how many businesses I owned or how much I earned, for all they knew it could have left me going without, but they did not care. Saying no is the easy bit. I don't need advice on how to say no and say it firmly and say whatever else comes to my mind which is suitable. I would not be able to run my businesses if I pussy footed around or was weak.But being asked and expected to say yes is insulting.And it hurts. It makes you feel as if you are a dustbin who is just there to pick up all of the pieces of everyone else's life with no life of your own.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2020): Women definitely ARE conditioned, from birth, to be 'nice' and 'nurturing' whereas men are taught to win. Even as boys, men are typically not encouraged to be as sensitive to other people's feelings as girls are. So, this conditioning runs very deep.On top of that, mothers from earlier generations will have been conditioned more than their daughters are to be subservient, compliant and 'selfless'; this all stems from Victorian times and centres around the idea of the perfect, nuclear family, with the 'pure' and eternally giving mother anchored into her role. This can mean that although another might see that her daughter is experiencing problems in saying no and in accepting the feelings that come with that, she herself as a mother has often unwittingly already ingrained into her daughter to override her own desires, wants and aims. What so many people don't realise is that this conditioning absolutely boils down to money. For centuries, governments have had a hierarchical structure with the wealthiest at the top. So that they can extract as much wealth as possible, they create jobs for people to fit into. In Victorian times, there were, literally, fewer jobs and most jobs were designed around using male attributes such as strength and endurance. These men were given jobs and a wage, with profits going upwards, to the wealthier. Meanwhile, the women were also given jobs but not officially and were expected to do this for free: all of the 'invisible labour' of caring for a household, a family, children, a community, providing, food, comfort (including sexual comfort) for a man) - all of these skills and hours and hours spent working were all designed to be done for free, so that the wealthier could stay wealthy and have little or no direct responsibility for the women. What better way than to get this labour for free than to basically brainwash women into thinking that they naturally are super-subservient, compliant, less than men, unable to say "no"..?Although each generation has brought changes, and women's rights are increasingly being improved and they are increasingly gaining equality, you've only to take a quick glimpse at the news each day, to see various instances of how unequal things actually are; today I looked in the news and saw loads of these reports, including that the NHS had failed to meet its targets for making women equal in terms of the number of leading positions allocated.With this kind of context and this kind of history, and the fact that this conditioning that I'm talking about takes place between mother and daughter and family and daughter primarily, and then in the outside world in the workplace and pretty much everywhere, it's no wonder so many women struggle to say "No" and then struggle to deal with the emotions they feel when they do. The emotions are NOT comfortable, because they amount to evidence that you have, at a bodily level, opted out of the compliant role that history and capitalism want you to stay in. It's like a mini form of activism, each time you say no and each time you bear the feelings from it. The more women that say no and manage the feelings that go with it, the greater knock on effect this will have, helping women for whom it is even harder; imagine being a child-bride, or a young girl subjected to female genital mutilation, or being forced into child prostitution, or being made to sleep outside in a shed each time you get your period because you can't refuse this bizarre and misogynist tradition. Saying no in the Western World is still a million times easier than saying no in the undeveloped world; but every little bit helps. If it helps, think of your "No' and your willingness to accept and get used to the temporarily uncomfortable feelings that come with it as being an act of solidarity, that will help all women, some of whom will be far weaker than you. Practice makes perfect; you are already practicing getting this right and you are doing well - you have made a really good start at finding your own ways to say no and, the more that you do this, the better you will get and the easier it will become to manage your feelings. You have asked a really important, fundamental question that needs to be asked. Don't let anyone - especially a man - tell you that what you are saying is or may not be true; women for centuries have been made to feel they will be rejected and abandoned if they refuse to comply; make it easier for your future daughters and her friends to say "No" by getting in as much practice as you can at this point in time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2020): You do not owe anyone an explanation when they ask you to do something and it does not suit you. It can be as simple as you don't fancy it. Or it costs you money or too much time. But you do not have to explain it. Explaining it means you are justifying and defending yourself, like you need their permission. And they will find a way to make you feel you are wrong as if you are not allowed to have those principles.i.e. You tell them you cannot translate their book for free. You tell them that you do not work for free. They will come back with something like yeah well we are friends, then it is different. No it is not. But when you start to explain that no it is not different for friends she will say yes it is and this goes on and on.It does not matter what she thinks. She can work for free whenever she wants. And it is very easy for her to try to take advantage of your time and your skills for free, I bet she never works for free herself, whether the person is a friend or not.Stop worrying about how the other person feels and thinks and whether or not your behaviour and refusal is acceptable to them. Good friends do not ask you to work for free. It may be a good idea to get rid of some of the people who are around you if this is their idea of friendship. Why collect a load of people around you who do not care about you? You are better off with less people who care.Ok sometimes friends help each other but when it is mutual, when it is two way.Recently my guy helped out a neighbour across the road. We had to hire a big skip and we only half filled it.He offered the guy across the road that he could fill it with his rubbish and he was very grateful. But he then insisted on coming over to our place to clean all the windows in return. If he was not like that we would not be so quick to offer him help.I am self employed, I work for an hourly rate for clients. I often get people who are not friends email me asking me to do it for them for free. They try with flattery and hinting that if i say no I am not as kind and nice as they were led to believe. Like I would be so stupid I would fall for that. Actually, if I were that naive and stupid my so called help would not be worth having. I would be too stupid to be of any help.If a real friend wanted my help for free I would expect them to offer something of equal value in return - and that is assuming that it is of any use to me. But it would not be worth discussing, it would be simpler to just pay for whatever help you want from one another as it goes along.I recently had an acupuncturist contact me wanting to swap acupuncture sessions for my work. But she conveniently ignored the fact that I charge ten times as much for one of my sessions as she does for one of hers.I do not need acupuncture, right now it would not benefit me at all. But it would drain hours of my time.She was just looking for a way to get my services without paying. IF I wanted acupuncture it would make far more sense for me to select one of my choice and pay them their fees. And if they want my help to pay me my fees.I think the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen when it comes to getting help without paying was a woman on a barter website who wanted a total stranger to go to hers and totally decorate the whole of her house - in return for which she would give them a free hair cut! As you can guess nobody volunteered to decorate her house. She then changed it to baking them a cake. Wow. Once again nobody was interested. I will let you figure out why.It also never occurred to this silly woman that the person offering might have been totally rubbish at decorating, otherwise they would be doing it as a paid job and busy with proper customers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2020): As code warrior has demonstrated very well with his answer most men have no problem saying no and even coming across as rude and arrogant
Unfortunately society doesn’t allow women those same respect for ithkoyt labelling them ‘bitches ‘ selfish and bitter ‘ from the time they are born most girls are taught to be nice and think of other people’s feelings especially men’s . Women are taught that we are the ones responsible for keeping and saving relationships and thag poor old men are the ones who struggle with emotions and communication. So we have to ‘ play nice . Often when we speak out like I am now we are silenced . Who knows perhaps this response may not be published . It’s happened before when women have done nothing more than point out these double standards
The key for you my dear is to stop caring what others think . Look to people who you consider never get asked to do things even people who may come across as abrupt or arrogant and try one time to mimic what they would say . Then try again and again
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2020): People try to walk all over you - do you let them or do you stop them? The choice is yours. If you let them the prize is to have yet another person who has no respect for you and does not care about you hang around.Let us look at the issue about the friend and the book.She gets paid to write the book - but you do as much work as she does. How does this make sense? I would have asked her what the fee is that she will be paid and say I will help with what is needed for a third of that fee.Take it or leave it. That is assuming you want to do it and have time to. Her boyfriend did not offer to do it free so why should you? Are you a professional or not?A professional has set fees and sticks to them.Let us look at the incident about the dog. You don't want to seem like the bad guy so you say to ask someone else. Passing the buck.Years ago when I saw clients face to face in my office I had a very difficult new client contact my secretary about coming to see me. She pointed out that she would need to bring her dog with her (a huge beast).My secretary pointed out this was not possible. That we do not allow people to bring pets, babies etc.I see one person, just the client. End of.This was pointed out to her very seriously and firmly several times. The woman knew she had to make other arrangements for her dog. Lots of people leave their dog at home when they go out, she did not need to take it everywhere she went!On the day of the appointment my secretary was busy with something so I was the one who opened the door to the woman when she arrived - she stood there with the big noisy beast. I pointed out that she had been told she could not bring the dog and she tried to say that the secretary had said something totally different. I knew this to be false. Of course she thought she could just turn up with the dog and we had to let it go.But I insisted she leave the dog in her car while she is in conference with me (it was a very cold day and I have dogs myself, I know how to take care of them well).She made a huge fuss. But I insisted and reminded her that the time she was paying for was ticking away and it was best for her to just do it so that we could spend some of that time on her consultation. When she remembered it was costing her money she did it.I am quite sure that if I had allowed the dog to come in it would have peed on the carpet, made a lot of noise, been a big distraction. My office my rules.And it is just one of the many reasons I now refuse to see clients face to face and insist it is done by email or phone calls. If you are allowing people into your car it is your car your rules. You do not need to pussy foot about and feel guilty when you decide something which is not popular, or pass it baton to someone else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2020): People take advantage of you because you come across as a mixture of weak, indecisive and desperate to please. You are so scared to say something that the other person is unhappy with you put their feelings before your own. You are scared to be unpopular, so you pretend to be happy with things you are not, which is buying friendship, but it is also a hollow victory because you end up with a false friendship.Personally I would not think count someone who expects me to do a lot of work for them for free as a friend - I would say they are a chancer/user/freeloader. Especially when they paid their boyfriend. Boyfriends are more likely to help out partners for free than ordinary friends.When I first moved to this area I was looking for new friends. I met various women and one of them was always far too busy to socialise or keep in touch. She made it clear she had loads of friends already and could not be bothered - fine - her choice. But then she rang me saying she needed my help. She was going into hospital for an operation and needed me to help with all sorts of time consuming and boring things - things which would interfere with the time I spend running my business.I felt sorry for her so I said yes. She went into hospital and rung me saying she needed me to sort out a wheelchair for her, to be ready at her home when she returned. Ok I said and I did it. She promised she would ring me when she got home soon but I never heard a word from her.After a bit I tried to phone her but her answer phone was always on and she never returns calls. I was worried about her so I drove over to hers to see if she was there and alright. There she was, bright and happy and fine. She tells me all about how great it has been to get home and see "all of my friends" again and all the wonderful places she has been. I point out that I had left messages and was worried, she just shrugs her shoulders and says she has been busy (she does not work). She talked about all of the other social events she was lining up with her "real friends". It was clear I did not fit into any of this so I went home and forgot about it.A few months later she rings me to say she needs my help. She has to go into hospital regularly and while she is there she has to miss her favourite television programme. It is on three times a week and it is a must. She needed me to record it and then for her to be able to come over to watch it whenever she fancied catching up.She actually expected me to miss my programmes and always be there and for it to always be convenient so that she could do this. I also knew her well enough to know that she would just watch the programme and go, not socialise, and if she said she would be there on a certain day and time she would probably not turn up and then turn up a totally different day unexpected. And if I tried to ring her about it her answer phone would come on and she would ignore it.I pointed out that she had lots of "real friends" she had told me about and one of them could do it. After all, none of them worked and had a lot more time. Oh no she said, they don't like that programme. NOR DO I. She begged me to do it. I said no. I knew she would turn up when I was eating my meal, or in the bath or in the middle of working with a client who had made an appointment, and anyway it was very time consuming.But most of all why would I have bothered when the woman does not consider me to be good enough to socialise with or stay in touch with otherwise?A few weeks later she rang again, she apologised profusely for asking me to do this and said she understands it is a big ask. Then she nagged and begged me to do it. No I said. You say you have many good friends - get one of them to do it. I found it odd that she did not feel she could ask such a lot from a "real friend" who does not work and has masses of time but feels it is fine to ask an acquaintance who is much busier.But of course it could simply be that she values her friends and she does not want to annoy them with such a big ask - where an acquaintance is all easy come easy go and expendable!I am sure you are getting some of the same sort of thing.People push their luck with you because they do not respect you or care about you, but they would not dream of expecting so much from people they care about or who would say no far more fervently. If they sense that the person is going to be offended by the ask they hesitate. You come across as far too weak for that to happen.I have had my share of all of this and it happens to women.. because we are supposed to be caring, considerate, put others first, be so full of love and wanting to help everyone that we do not consider ourselves. And it never occurs to people that our time is valuable. Very often I have been expected to give away my precious time on things they would not dream of asking a man to do - because they would consider him too busy and having to put paid work first. They assume women are sponging off a husband or living on the proceeds of a lottery win or an inheritance and rarely consider the woman actually has a proper business or job that takes up her time same as it would for a man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2020): If you "alienate" people for not allowing them to use and take advantage of you; that's not really losing a friend. It's cleaning house of people whose only purpose in your life is to see how much they can get out of you; or what they can use you for. Their self-elimination saves you the trouble of having to kick them to the curb!
It's really sad when you think you have to grovel, bribe, and compensate people for their friendship. Even sadder when they'll pay somebody else for their expertise; but expect you to always to do it for free. Not even the suggestion of bartering for a favor, or an unexpected gift of equivalent value.
Some friend!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2020): I really don't know if saying no, or setting boundaries, is a common problem for women. I think men tend to try to keep the peace and avoid arguments by giving-in. Just like your husband and the dog incident. Another examples is when dad says yes based on his own judgement; but then mom chimes-in and says no! Totally overruling his decision, no particular reason to say no (just to be contrary); but expecting him to yield...or expect sulking and/or an argument. Then he looks like a wimp, and the kid feels dad never stands behind his word. Mom always gets the last-word! Just because she'll have a hissy-fit, or her side of the bed will feel frosty! Then your boss, pulls last-minute business-trips out of nowhere; like you don't have a life outside the job. He or she doesn't care if you told them weeks ago you've purchased concert-tickets for one of the days during the week of that unexpected-trip, which doesn't even fit your job-description! How do you say no? You can't? Men can't say no that easily either! We're labeled "jerks" or "meanies" for turning people down, or declining to do something.
Learning to be tactful and diplomatic is an art-form. It requires a lot of practice; and you also have to develop courage, and be assertive. Making excuses and seeming "iffy" invites people to test your resolve. They'll see through you, and know when you're making an excuse, or just dodging them. Their past-experience with you has proven you can't easily and decisively say "no." They can smell your guilt permeating from your excuses. That's why they'll keep asking. The objective is to wear you down! Time has proven their persistence pays-off, and they know a sucker when they see one. Being a Christian, people try to test my faith and sincerity; by trying to make you seem un-Christian for refusing to allow them to take advantage of you. If you were a true Christian, you'd be easier to manipulate! That comes from the "kindness is a weakness" mentality that seems to be the popular attitude in people these days.
Make no excuses! Politely decline, when they're polite; and put your foot-down when they persist!
You:"Sorry, I can't do it this time!" The Friend: "Please!" You: Please don't press the issue, I can't this time. That's it." The Friend: "Why not?" You: *Silence*
The reaction will be sulking and pouting; you simply change the subject to something else. We all learned back in childhood that a tantrum and sulking got us what we wanted. Parents also learn by their second-child to ignore the sulking and tantrums. If we kept it up; we knew the bad-behavior will make the next time we ask even harder to get a yes! It works on adults too!
You modify behavior with consistency. You use self-discipline to push yourself to do things out of your comfort-zone. When you've consistently rewarded someone just for the asking; they're going to keep repeating the behavior that gets the reward! You're pegged for a pushover. Change the response, they'll get confused; but once they realize the action or behavior no longer yields guaranteed reward, they'll back-off. The result, accepting a refusal comes easier! They mentally prepare for a yes, no, or maybe. Not always "yes" without a challenge. It won't make them happy; but they'll know there are boundaries and limits.
You don't need to give a long drawn-out explanation; that lets them know they still have a chance to change your mind. You'll break under pressure. They'll play on your guilt, or humiliate you into submission. They'll always win, and have less respect for you in the process. You'll maintain your position as #1 at the top of their list of suckers and pushovers.
I had to stop letting people "volunteer" me for things. I'm often willing to give a hand or help-out. It somehow birthed the expectation that I'm always in; whether I'm asked, or not. I usually just shrug and inconvenienced myself; but frequently found myself helping, writing a check, or obligated to attend. Good-deeds seldom reciprocated! That's because I'm the "nice reliable-guy;" and they can't count-on anybody else. I'm supposed to be flattered by that! How would they know? They didn't ask anybody else! I was always being drafted, and not expected to refuse; because they consider it a "good-cause" or important to them. I couldn't possibly have any justifiable reason to say no! I've learned no explanation or excuse is required; if I want to say no, not this time, or maybe next-time! Flat-out "NO" has gotten easier to say; when people try to shame or bully me, if I won't yield under their pressure. I find fake-flattery and sweet-talk insulting to my intelligence! Automatic NO!!!
You'll get fed-up, and you'll learn. You'll end-up broke, divorced, or out of your mind! You'll get passed around, and be everybody's favorite crony. The only one in the group with a spine made of jelly. The life-sized bobble-head, always nodding yes!
You'll get tired of being used and taken advantage of. Your husband will also tire of your submissiveness towards users; while also putting him on the spot! Don't volunteer his services, without consulting him first. That's not fair! Just because you need everyone's approval, or fear a frown. You should have outgrown such behavior years ago.
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reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 September 2020):
 This IS a common "woman" problem. So don't feel bad that YOU have this issue. MOST of us do.
You ask HOW do I stop, by starting to say NO, when you WANT to say no. Don't use I can't because blah blah blah. Say, I won't or just a simple no.
Like with the "friend" who wanted you to do work for free AGAIN. I would have said, no I won't do it for free again. Last time it was a LOT of work and I did it because it was your first book, you get paid to do this, you were willing to pay your BF so why is that you think I'[m not worth a penny? I would be upfront about it. Now that may come off as confrontational but I think it's fait enough question. Is it not? At it leaves HER with having to figure something out to say, not you.
Or if she KEPT asking, don't do the "I don't have time" because that leave the option for her to check back and see if you have time now... Kind of like the kids on a road trip an their "are we there now"/ "How about now?".
Instead just saying, no, I'm not interested in doing any more free translation work for you.
I do freelance translations and it takes time, effort and patience. I could tell you stories about people trying to get it dirt cheap. And I have learned to tell them no.
The reason people walk all over you, is that you don't stand up for yourself OR your husband.
That friend who asked to go to the beach and then asked about the dog when you got there, you passed the monkey to your husband instead of saying no, we don't want a dog in the car. Or take your own car and we'll meet up there. you are a grown woman, it's NOT HIS job to play interference. And obviously, HE isn't good at saying no either. So YOU need to stand up for you.
Now if you felt that was too much AT that point in time, I would have called her the next day and told her how you felt, and that in the future she is VERY welcome, so is her dog, but for her to DRIVE themselves.
If people tell you:" you have changed" they do it to make YOU feel bad for standing up for yourself and not let them walk all over you. In that case you say; " maybe I have changed a little I am trying to be better at standing up for myself because I have had people take advantage of me and I really don't like it". That will shut them up. OR make them ask have I done that to you? And If they have you say, yes. (and give an example).
MEAN what you say and SAY what you mean.
Sometimes IT IS easier to give a valid reason, than having to be grilled. But I think as LONG as you stand up for yourself feeling the need to give a valid reason is totally OK!
Ask yourself this, if you say no to someone and they get mad or "alienated" are they really people you WANT in your life? So they always say yes?
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