A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey readers, I need some help to stop hurting about my bf sending dirty/sex texts to another girl. We've been together 7 months, and everything has been really great, including our sex life. He went through a rough patch at work, working long hours with some uncertainty about getting paid. He talked to me about his worries, and said he found me listening very supportive. During that phase, I stayed at his house one night after we'd been to the cinema, which he'd wanted to do to help him "switch off" from his work worries. At 2am, his mobile phone went off. I thought it was his alarm so got up to switch it off so his sleep wasn't disturbed. But, it wasn't his alarm, it was a text from a girl. I know it's wrong, but I read it, and it was bascially a dirty text. I looked to see what he'd sent her earlier that day, and he'd sent her a message about how he'd like to make her scream with joy....then one asking whether she could make him hard while he was watching the film! This really really upset me. I got up to leave so I could go home and think, but he woke up. I told him what I'd found. He got really upset, said this is just how he and his male friends talk with this woman...said she used to work in the same place as him, but hasn't for two years, said she used to send dirty texts to him and his friends all the time. Told me he didn't realise it was hurtful or disrespectful to me. He was crying and said he was sorry and didn't want to lose me. Told me nothing ever happened between them (I think I believe him on this). He's done nothing else to make me doubt my trust in him. He told me he wouldn't actually ever want to meet up with this girl, and that I'm the only girl he wants to actually sleep with.We had a long chat about what we both think is and is not ok when you're in a relationship, and he told me he won't do that again. He's told me I can check his phone whenever I want if it helps...I don't want to do this, though, as I don't feel it is healthy and I want to feel I can trust him without having to prove it to myself (in any case, he could easily delete any dodgy messages!!)He couldn't understand why I was so upset about all this. I explained that my last ex bf (we were together 7 years) did something similar - I found he had a secret phone, was texting other girls and cheating on me with one of them, so I ended our relationship. So he was like, ahh, you're upset because of what your ex did. And I was thinking, no, I'm upset because I don't think it is right to send messages like that when you're in a relationship!! Am I wrong? Over-reacting?Anyway, that was all 2 weeks ago, and to be honest, superficially things between us are great again, back on course. Things have settled at work for him, and we're looking forward to going away for a week in a couple of months. He thinks everything is back to normal, but I'm still thinking about what happened and how it has made me question how well I really know him.So, deep down, I still feel upset and anxious. I have not wanted to check up on him, because I feel that is not healthy, and also, I would be very sad if I found any other texts. I'm not sure what to do now. My friend has advised me to walk away before he hurts me again (she doesn't know him at all, though). My gut instinct is that I need to talk to him to explain I'm still feeling insecure, but I worry that will make me sound clingy and stupid :(What should I do to get myself over this? Thanks. x
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): I find it highly difficult to believe that a grown woman would socially sext dirty messages to guys she works/worked with without ulterior motives, unless her job happened to be professional escort. Even if there was such a woman, it is still quite inappropriate for the guy to be responding in the same manner.The upside to this is that if he is anything like me, and millions of other guys, he could possibly just be doing this to satisfy his ego even if he is not interested in cheating. The thought that one man can be desired by multiple women is a strong incentivizer for this type of behavior. So while I would enjoy receiving this type of attention, I would never physically act on it. Let's hope he's the same.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): Thanks for your advice so far, and thanks for giving me more advice @ person12345We did talk it out at the time, he did seem genuinely sorry and said he never wants to hurt me again and won't be doing anything like that again, but I'm just not sure.Two of his closest friends are players, but the laugh at him for not being the same, and he's always the one telling them not to cheat on their girlfriends...I know this from them, and from other people who know my bf.I guess my head says walk away, but I am otherwise sooooo happy with him...it sucks.Thanks so much for taking the time to give me adive, posters. x
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (15 April 2011):
 I remember answering this when you posted it originally, and I say the same things now as then. This guy is not going to change. He knew what he did was wrong, he doesn't respect you at all. This isn't him being in a new relationship and unsure of where it's going, seven months is way way way too long for this to be a gray area. You don't need to talk to him about it, he will just say the same "reassuring" things he said before. This the point in the relationship where if it's rough now, it probably will only get worse (if he can't even stay committed for 7 months during the honeymoon phase it won't get better after it's worn off). You can do way better than this guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): If he had only just met you, he could be forgiven...just. But hes been with you rather a long time to still be acting single. And he knew it was wrong. Im afraid hes lying by saying otherwise. Trust is a major part of any happy relationship and when its damaged it does take the shine off things. Suddenly things dont seem so happy and carefree anymore. It spoils the relationship. You can work towards forgiveness, thats your decision. But im of the opinion that what happens in the first year (good or bad)is a taster of things to come. If he cant behave with you during the 'honeymoon' period of the relationship, things dont look good for the following years.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): OP unless he has some kind of clinical mental deficiency or learning difficulties i.e. medically 'slow' then there's no chance in hell he thought it was okay to do that. There is no chance in hell he didn't know that this is completely unacceptable behaviour in a relationship. You know this, that's why your mind won't let it go, that's why no matter what you do this doesn't sit well with you. Especially seeing as he made up a completely bullshit excuse when he was caught. He didn't actually say he was in the wrong, he played ignorant instead not only that but now he thinks he's gotten away with as you said you were insecure because of your ex and he thinks your fine and have bought his excuse.
None of that sits right with you because he denied all responsibility by pretending he didn't know it was wrong. That's horseshit OP, unless he's just a complete idiot and a tool then then he knew this was wrong. If he is that stupid then how can you trust a guy that makes such stupid choices? You see either way it's very hard to trust this guy. If he's stupid about these things then he could make another similar mistake and you'll get hurt, if he's just covering his ass and playing dumb then you can't trust him to take responsibility for his actions and you can't trust him to be responsible with your feelings. You can't really win.
You're not over reacting OP what he did is emotional cheating, he was getting sexual with another woman behind your back and it doesn't matter if he never did any physical with her he went behind your back and was sexting another girl. I honestly know no one that would be okay with that, nor do I know anyone that would think that's okay to do or think there are no consequences to that at all.
There's only two ways you can get over this. The first is just leave him, if someone breaks your trust so completely and in the way that he did in my opinion that's a deal breaker, no matter if the reason really was utter stupidity (I really find that impossible to believe after 7 months).
The second is to talk this out, completely and honestly. Tell him exactly how you feel and why you feel that way. Find out every detail of why he did that, what made him think that was acceptable and question him fully about it. He needs to work hard to earn your trust he has to completely open up and not just put on the teary eyed "I'm an idiot" routine that's a pathetic ploy OP, it is the last defence for weaseling out of something it is not a reason nor an excuse for anything. People do that shit when they get caught with their pants down and now he thinks everything is okay again? You have to set that straight and *do not* for one second doubt how you feel, you have a right to feel this way and you're not over reacting, if you ask me you're brushing this off too easily and falling for the crocodile tears routine. He needs to man the hell up and take responsibility, he needs to stop playing ignorant and 'fess up or you'll never be able to trust him again.
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A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (15 April 2011):
To be honest I don't know if I would get over this myself. You are completely right that you feeling upset over this is nothing to do with what your ex did. Plus, I simply do not believe that you bf didn't realise it was hurtful or disrespectful. Really? Hasn't he got any sort of moral compass whatsoever? I think he was just trying to cover his back once he'd got caught.I think your friend is right, I think you should leave this guy. You've only been together 7 months and he does this. That combined with the fact that he can't understand why you are upset. You explaining won't do much good, in my opinion. Nor will it change what he's done. I think you should move on and find someone else who will give you more respect. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (15 April 2011):
 Well first, you need to realise your not wrong and overreacting and stop beating yourself up about this. Your quite right; its as simple as that. He is expressing a wish to cheat basically and given the opportunity he probably would given his behaviour here. This is something you learned about with your ex.How he cant realise the effect of this is totally beyond me to be honest. I'm not surprised you have reacted the way you have - anybody would. However, what you do have to change about the reaction is the beating yourself up, there is simply no need, your totally in the right. I think you need to consider whether this relationship is worth the heartache to be honest, nothing seems good here, and it will only drain you as its already doing. If you want to give telling him how you feel a shot go for it; if he reacts well then maybe thats a sign he will change his ways. Having said that I doubt this will happen. You have to be bold and brave enough to say you deserve better than this and be prepared to break the relationship if necessary for your own good.
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