A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My problem is this,I have been trying for over a year to find a bf im over being single but i only seem able to find men that only want one night stands. Sometimes i think i've found a potential one but they end up not interested in something serious. It's really frustrating. Does anyone know how i can avoid the one nighters and find someone serious.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 April 2011):
 i was just wondering if maybe you are "trying too hard"... I've always found that my partner has "fallen in my lap" when I wasn't really looking for it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advice. You all make great points. I will remember everything for next time
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): If a guy asked me out on a date I would always make it clear that its just for a chat, to get to know each other better. It saves a lot of hassel if you're honest from the start. In particular, that you won't be sleeping with them. 9/10 times they will cancel the date if they were just after sex, and great, they're not the type of guys you would want to be in a relationship with anywayThis way you're filtering out all the sleezeballs. Now he might still go on the date and find you as a challange, but that's where you have to stand your ground, and don't even sleep in the same bed as him, until he tells you he wants to be in an exclusive relationship with you. After all that if he's still around, well obviously it's because he wants what you want. Do be beware of the guys who find you as a challange because they're not looking for a relationship either and they are not as easy to filter out as the one night stand guys.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 April 2011):
 Have you tried to tell the guys what you are looking for?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): So you don't sleep with them and you're having this problem?
Then its probably a combination of the types of men you go for, the type of female image that you present to them, and just the fact that men like to get sex as fast as they can in general. If you're chasing a lot of hottie alpha-male types in their early 20s then you have to expect a fair amount of tries at casual sex.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): Stop having one night stands. It's not that complicated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to let you know i dont actually sleep with them. Once they hint that's what they want i leave. The last one i met was during lunch at work. I dont give any indication that that's what i want at all. I avoid the sex subject altogether.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 April 2011):
I would not sleep with someone you think you want a relationship with for several months. DO NOT tease him either... no hot and heavy necking and then saying "no" and kicking him out... let him get to know you... if he stops coming around he was only after sex...
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (15 April 2011):
Cerberus is right, and to back him up a bit I don't even think it's wrong that that is how people think. Not only guys think that way, I know I think that way as well. A man who agrees to have sex with me without a proper relationship first isn't someone I'd want to be in a relationship with. Neither should you. Because such a man is sleeping around, and giving it to everyone, just like cerberus said. A man who agrees to sex without a commitment shows you right there and then that his only purpose is to be used as a toy. He wont be thinking of you as relationship material, and you shouldn't be thinking of him as relationship material either.
Same for women. So, don't have one night stands, and don't try to date guys who are eager to sleep with you. Pick a man with some class, someone who doesn't have sex with just about anyone. Do not try to change a man, or make him relationship-material when he so obviously isn't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): Simple, you stop having one night stands. OP you do realize that a lot of guys that would get serious with you won't after a one night stand? In essence some of those guys you had one night stands with would probably have dated you but changed their minds when you slept with them so early.
I know I have and most guys I know wouldn't date a girl they had a one night stand with even if they wanted to date this girl before that. I know it's strange but that's the way it works a lot of the time and yes, it is hypocritical because those guys participated in that one night stand too.
OP one night stand girls are too easy, a lot guys don't view girls like that as relationship material. You have to create an emotional bond with us before you sleep with us otherwise we'll only view you as an easy lay and then we'll go off and find a girl who wants something more serious, or other guys only wanted that in the first place, in which case they're just moving on to their next one night stand.
OP if you make sex something sacred, something that has to be earned and something that is combined with an emotional bond, basically if you take away the casual aspect of sex then we'll want you for more than just sex. One night stands are too casual, we'll pick you up and throw you away at a whim because you're keeping it so casual. Plus, and I know this is wrong and shouldn't be the case, but a lot of guys just can't respect a girl that gives it away so easily, the idea that any douche bag can have you without having to prove himself first is not something that sits well on the mind of a lot of guys, it can lead to horrible retro-jealousy too. Others have a very hard time trusting a girl that can sleep with a stranger on the first date, they think if that's how little sex means to them then they can just as easily sleep with someone else while in a relationship.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (15 April 2011):
Don't have one night stands. That way you avoid the ones who want one nighters. Don't sleep with men on the first date. Actually, don't sleep with them at all until a few weeks into an official and exclusive relationship. Preferably wait until you are in love, in an official exclusive relationship. That way you efficiently avoid the guys who only want sex and nothing serious.
Give different guys a chance too. Some women are picky when it comes to who they even consider for a date. Don't be picky. Date plenty of different types and kinds of men, regardless of what they look like on paper or how your first impression is. Date them, give them a chance, get to know them, and then make your judgment on whether or not they are relationship material. That way you will get closer to many different kinds of men, and probably meet way more men that are looking for something serious.
Do not go for younger men. Aim at men 25+.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): On the first date or meeting, ask what the guys intentions are and tell him what yours are. Listen to his words but watch how he treats you including his body language, eyes, movements, etc. There are many articles online on how mates attract each other and what signs to look for when it comes to genuine interest. Im sorry about your struggles. Best to you on this!
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male
reader, macdubh712 +, writes (15 April 2011):
I have to ask where you are meeting these blokes at? If you say it is while you are partying or something then that might be the problem. If alcohol is involved you will most likely not be successful with this endeavor. As I just put in another post, guys in your age range (all to a somewhat lesser extent) that are under the influence of alcohol are not known for their astute morals. Change your scene. Go to where you know good guys probably are. This is only one option, of course. Good luck.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 April 2011):
 Easy, just say "no" to the sleep overs and be patient.
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