A
female
age
30-35,
*ovelyone2012
writes:My boyfriend of two years told me yesterday that he was distancing himself from me because he hates talking to me now and he wished I never loved him because he stopped loving me and then he finally told me that he cheated on me. I took off the promise ring he gave me and he threw his at me and I just cant get over the fact that he didn't even seem like he cared, he of course told me this after we had sex and i feel so used and disgusted thinking about him having sex with another girl. I want him to contact me and have him tell me sorry or why he did it, I guess I just want to know if he is even remotely sorry for what he did. He told me that the reasons why he always accused me of cheating on him was so that he could feel better about himself when he did it to me. Is there any advice on how to stop feeling so sad and to stop myself for feeling like it was my fault?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2011): I want to address one thing a poster said below.
"I disagree that it's never the fault of the one who was cheated on. some times it isn't, and some times it is."
Cheating is always the "fault" of the person who does it. Nobody can make anyone cheat. They may have their own issues (which of us doesn't), but cheating is going outside of the expectations of the relationship, and doing something "against the rules".
Just like cheating in a sports game, no matter how hard the game is, no matter how unfair, no matter how evil the other side is, no matter how much things are stacked against you, you either play by the rules, or you cheat, or you can choose to not play.
Nobody makes you play in a relationship, you can always leave it. That is fair, that is not cheating.
Cheating is when you do things that you know are off limits in the relationship, which is why acknowledged open relationships are not cheating.
"the reasons why he always accused me of cheating on him was so that he could feel better about himself when he did it to me"
This is very common.
I'm the guy who posted below about my wife cheating. She thought I was possibly having an affair, because I was at work a lot (rough year, really rough year), and her parents both had affairs, multiple times, and this was how they did it (work, other excuses), as did all her siblings. It was just how things were in her family of origin.
Once she cheated, she was feeling terrible about herself, for years, because she thought it was wrong to do this (regardless of whether I had or not).
It really hit home, awfully hard, when she found out that I had been faithful, for all of our marriage, dating, etc, and had never cheated in a relationship in my life. Even if I don't bring it up, which I don't very often even in counseling, she feels awful, and feels worse since all her suspicions about my behavior were unfounded (I work almost exclusively with women, many of them single or divorced and younger than us).
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): I disagree that it's never the fault of the one who was cheated on. some times it isn't, and some times it is. If you were the first to treat your partner badly and repeatedly, they have every right to treat you badly back in return. Maybe they don't treat you back exactly the same way you did them, but in a different way, and cheating is one way. why should one 'bad' way of treating a partner be worse than another way.
so whether or not it's your fault or his fault that he cheated on you, only you know. If you were a complete jerk to him, how is that 'better' than him cheating on you.
the fact is, he's not sorry for it. maybe in the future he will be, but right now sure sounds like he isn't. just chalk this up to life experience and move on, without trying to get him to say he's sorry.
and hey, at least he TOLD you he cheated on you. Most cheaters lie and lie and never come clean even when you confront them.
He's admitting he did you wrong but he doesn't sound sorry about it. and if it seems like he really doesn't care, then that shows that he already had huge problems with you or the relationship for a long time. whether you played a part in that or not, or if it's all on him, only you know.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): "Is there any advice on how to stop feeling so sad and to stop myself for feeling like it was my fault?"
Cheating is never the fault of the person who was cheated on.
It is always the fault of the cheater. They do it because something is missing inside of themselves, usually low self esteem, etc.
He probably is so immature that he doesn't even recognize why he did it. My wife cheated on me, and it took her nearly 10 years to realize and accept why, and she's not 30 years old.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): Hes a very immature boy who is just trying to hurt you, he told you all that to make you feel bad about yourself even though you have done nothing wrong. All i would say for you to do is take everything he said with a pinch of salt and don't let it cloud your judgement when it comes to future relationships, brush this off and try to move on, don;t contact him he will only hurt you again.
Spend some time with friends and concentrate on having fun, build up your self esteem and you wont be long getting over him. :)
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A
female
reader, Lucky786  +, writes (27 June 2011):
 There are ways to break up with someone we no longer love and the way your ex-boyfriend did it isn't one of them. The fact of the matter is that this guy did not have the guts to end things like a mature adult and instead decided to cheat on you. Why do you need to hear him say he's sorry? It's obvious that he isn't sorry for cheating on you because if he loved you in the first place he would never have cheated on you. If he fell out of love with you then fine, he could have told you and let you at least keep your dignity. Instead he decided to cheat on you and hurt you. The only thing you can do is to try and move on from this the best way you can. You need to work on your self-esteem and try your best to move on from this sorry excuse for a man.
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A
female
reader, Ima FreAk! +, writes (27 June 2011):
 Hiyaaaa,Well than I'm terribly sorry to say this but your boyfriend or ex didn't really love you because he wasn't sorry or he didn't even cared so that can help you get over him that fact that he never use to love you or even did kinda thing.Secondly it's not your fault... people in relationship change and have different ideas and get influenced by other people kinad thing so it's not your fault. The fact that he cheated on you and he's leaving you it's his lost not yours. You gave it your best shot and he isn't worth your tears because how many men are in America honey?!!!You will find a better man and your only what 17 so you know you can get yourself a better man that would love you, keep all his promises and will truly spend every moment with you and will not cheat on you!There are lots of nice men out there and yhh I guess it would take time to get over but it's his lost you can still be nice to him and everything but just pity the girl he goes out with! Because when you find a better man and tick all your boxes he is gonna wish he didn't do that.I can't help ya with your sadness because everyone varies but you know that song "So What" by P!nk! Totally listen to that because your a strong woman!!!!! Don't back down!!!! Eat Ben and Jerries watch chick flick go to the cinema just go crazyyyyyy and rock out!Hope my advice helps!Good luck!Lots of love,Ima FreAk!x
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