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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I really need help.I have been distancing myself from my boyfriend of 2 years for the last little while. Maybe 6 months or so. It's been a slow and steady process. Designed to protect my heart from getting hurt very badly. I just could never trust him and I always feel he is cheating on me. I not sure if he is or isn't. I have no real proof of him doing anything like that. But I have convinced myself he is. Like that is the truth I believe regardless of him always denying it and regardless of lack of concrete proof.My physical interest in him is waning too as part of this process. I am not into him sexually like before because I am repulsed by him and the fact I have convinced myself he is cheating and still staying with me. I have told him many times I would not tolerate that and that I would leave him. He has tried to convince me. Show me his emails and all his Facebook messages. Of course he could have deleted any evidence before volunteering to show me. He just isn't emotionally open enough with me to trust him. He tells me he needs female validation to convince him he is attractive because he feels he is not. He said it doesn't mean he flirts or is seeking greener grass but still... the fact he seeks it out at all is worrisome. He has had an affair on a previous wife. No, I am not a mistress to him. I am his girlfriend. The trust issues result from him stepping out on a former wife. He led a double life at the time and I worry the fact he was able to compartmentalize it all so well means he can do it to me too. He seems to be able to turn his emotions on and off. He can be very attentive and loving one minute and then distant and quiet the next. I have been trying to feel safe with him. But I always feel like I am walking on a tight rope. Worrying every time he goes out. What is he really doing? Where is he going? Who is he with? It is tearing me apart emotionally. These days I can barely hold it together. I cannot function in my daily life because I am crumbling under the constant weight and pressure of anxiety, worry and paranoia. I love him and do not want to end this relationship to regain my peace and sanity. I am hanging on by a thread right now. We are going on a trip next week as well. Not sure if this will help any.I just don't think relationships are supposed to tear us apart this way. I think I know deep down he does not love me but I love him and I cannot bear the thought of my life without him. It is like the U2 song... "I can't live with or without you."I sometimes feel he pulls away from me too. Maybe he senses my distance? Looks like we are both struggling to keep it together. I take it he has losing interest but he takes it that I have been losing interest and we each pull away. I don't think he wants to get hurt either. I feel like I have been punishing him for my fears and worries. I am always accusing him of seeing other women. I think it has driven a wedge and has affected the relationship. He is stressed because of me accusing him and I am stressed because I think he is cheating. It is a never ending circle. It's like we go round and round with the same issues and dialogs repeating itself but nothing ever changes. I feel really defeated and I feel like I am clinically depressed. I have had other problems weighing on me in my life and I think I took them out on him expecting him to take them all away. Maybe too big a burden on anyone to be your psychologist.He texts less than before. Complains I tire him out sexually when he used to love that about me.I feel like this resentment has built up and I am trying hard to fight it off. He is a weak and insecure man who needs his ego boosted. By me or women in general. He also works with women and has mainly female business contacts. This does not help any. As his opportunities for "ego boosting" are abundant. We have had many arguments about my jealousy and insecurity surrounding his female entourage at work. I worry there is always greener grass for him. I worry the minute I drop the ball or fail to prop up his ego he will be off trying to conquer the next woman who opens the door for him. To worry you are going to be replaced at every turn is so soul destroying and it has taken my self worth and confidence with it. I have been told I am beautiful and have so much going for me. He saw my beauty and all my good qualities but I just feel like he is dragging me down with him. I still believe he is cheating. I may be wrong but how does a woman dismiss her gut? The fact he is more tired lately and doesn't want sex as often has sent out huge warning bells for me. Our relationship was in large part based on sex. So I think he wants another woman now or is thinking about it. He said he is not looking. He has been with many women and I am the best. So many words. But I just can't seem to get the emotional closeness I want out of him. He has this wall up. He tends to pull away if he gets too close. And it hurts me very badly because I want to be close to him. So I have backed off. When I used to be more attentive. But I just feel that because he is not wanting to be close, I give him what he wants. And sexually I am pulling away because I am not a sex machine and have sex with a guy I have to constantly keep a wall up for. I need the emotions and openness for me to perform sexually. I can't just turn it all off and have sex for sex only. I am not built that way. It did start out as a FWB but I ended up having more feelings for him. He is content to keep going with the sex but I am starting to resent him and pull away. It is a mess. I wish I could keep having sex without all the baggage as I suspect that despite staying with me he is tiring of it. It is not the way it used to be. I worry I am losing my shine and becoming high maintenance for him. And I worry he is out liking to replace me with a lower maintenance woman who can handle it better. Although I suspect those types would be few and far between especially the longer they would stay in such s relationship.Not sure what to do? I try to sabotage it a lot. He does too in his own way. We both have a hard time being together although the sex has kept us solid. But we also cannot stand being apart or not being in each other's lives.I hoping the trip will be good for us.Can anyone help me?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2016): You came here to ask us for advice so here is my 2 cents if it is worth anything. Yes, I agree with the others. Perhaps therapy is in order.But, also it seems clear to me. If you cannot trust him, you should not be with him. It hurts you and you are hurting him in the process. My guess? As as a form of punishment for your own fears or seeking reassurance constantly may help you alleviate those fears, but not for long. All of these fears weigh down the relationship and the sex eventually.If you cannot trust him, leave him. Yes, I know it is hard. But you cannot live this way. And neither can he. Has he done all he could to show you he is trustworthy? Is he TRYING to reassure you? Then if he has, perhaps you should let go and trust him? If you have no evidence but your own insecurities and predictions of an imminent natural disaster, do you not think that after being with him for this long, he is worthy of your trust? Perhaps work on that. And just back off of him for awhile. Let him breathe. Maybe the trip will help you to enjoy each other's company in a fun setting but I will advise you to refrain from stopping the negative talk and conversations with him and just let it be if you would like your relationship to continue. And work on yourself first. I understand his past track record is not very good and I know where your fears are coming from. You are justified in worrying however remember just because somebody did that in the past does not mean they will do it to you. Good luck.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 April 2016):
 I concur with Tisha- 1. This is a medical problem. Words can only go so far, whether they are words of reassurance or encouragement or reproach.
Any sentence that starts with " I cannot function in my daily life anymore ... " screams for a specialized therapist's intervention . It does not matter if you cannot function because of jealousy , like in your case, or because of fear of an attack by killer bees. And, all in all, it does not even matter whether there actually IS a good chance of being cheated on, or a swarm of killer bees in your area , or none at all whatsoever .
The key word is " I can't function ".
You HAVE to function. Hopefully, you want too, right ?
You are an human being with a daily life and you have , or should have, the natural desire to see it unfold in the happiest, or at least , most functional way that's possible.
When this cannot happen using only our own resources,- it's time to call the doctor, so please CALL THE DOCTOR.
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A
female
reader, Windbreeze_1962  +, writes (10 April 2016):
 Hi there. I hope everything is becoming clearer to you. At some point you have to stop accusing him of cheating. Who can feel sexy or want to have sex with someone that is constantly accusing them of cheating? When you stated that he has not been emotional open to you, why would he if you are accusing him of cheating and that his sexual appetite has slowed down due to his cheating?
I understand how you feel now that you are his girlfriend but you have to make better choices either you can love that man and find different ways to have heart to heart talks about their day or in talking about your day. Ask open end questions, shy away from accusations. (Did you see him having sex with anyone? Then how can you accuse him)?
Or you can accept the fact that you do not trust him and you have lost interest in him sexually and begin to move on. Sometimes we get used to someone and it really hurts to think of not being with that someone however it hurts and destroys a person in an unhappy relationship.
You deserves and he deserves to live this profoundly short time on earth with someone that can trust and adore you both. Sometimes distance makes a heart grow fonder or it can heal a heart. Either way it’s not healthy feeling the way you do every single day. Do something different, ask yourself each day that you are blessed to awake, “What am I going to do with this beautiful day”! Before you know it you will start living again and enjoying life. No man need that much attention because just like you are able to make choices so is he. Get into living and live the life that is positive for you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 April 2016):
 “Can anyone help me?” We’ve tried over the years. We haven’t helped at all. The person who might be able to help, you haven’t asked yet. Your doctor.
You’ve been building to this for a couple of years now. The paranoia, the doubts, the lack of trust, the insecurity, the demands for constant reassurance, the suggestion that you track him using his phone... it’s been a steady rise and it’s frankly time that you seek professional help.
"These days I can barely hold it together. I cannot function in my daily life because I am crumbling under the constant weight and pressure of anxiety, worry and paranoia. I love him and do not want to end this relationship to regain my peace and sanity. I am hanging on by a thread right now.”
Those sentences scream “SEE YOUR DOCTOR!”
I recognize your voice, I recognize your story.
If you can’t function in your daily life, if your anxiety, worry and paranoia have reached such critical mass that you are crumbling, if you are hanging by a thread.... none of that is healthy, none of that is going to be solved by a few words typed by aunts who have watched this slow-motion implosion over the past 2+ years....
SEE YOUR DOCTOR!
And see him/her BEFORE you go on a trip together. What if you have some sort of medical crisis out of the country? What if your anxiety and paranoia have built to the point that you decompensate in a foreign country or province?
Sorry you are suffering but this is beyond the scope of amateur agony aunts, you need to seek professional help. Start with your doctor.
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