A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice. I have been seeing this guy for a few years but we were both married at the time. Now we are both currently divorced and want to try and make this a "real" relationship. I can't help but feel so insecure and jealous when he says and/or does things. I know he is a good man and he swears he is in a different place now and wants to be with me. How do I stop comparing him to how he was when we just had a sexual relationship to now being in a real gf/bf relationship?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): the female anon made some good points however I am not persimistic, I am being realistic: SLEEP WITH YOUR EYES OPEN.
Show me stats which claims that cheaters do not ever cheat again. From the two cheaters almost 90% cheat again and that is a reality. one of the two will stray again and that is not a doom and gloom fallacy, it is a reality.
I know someone who tried to outshine his ex in every way. tried to show him what he was missing, how she would NEVER become like his ex. truth be told: his affair lady turned committed relationship partner, became worse than his ex. when you compete and try to outdo the ex, you become a very different person. and that is when the sh!t hits the fan, therefore so many men leave their lovers and run back to their wives.
You will discover man
y things that you do not like about him, many things that will make you question him and you will always, always in your heart of hearts have a little fear that asks "is he......"
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): well it's natural that you will have trust issues because you know he's capable of lying and having a secret relationship so you don't know if he's doing the same to you too.However I'm not going to be as pessimistic and doom-and-gloom as the previous poster. Some people are serial cheaters who cheat because they are selfish and just concerned with getting their own needs met. others cheated unintentionally like maybe out of desperation because they were in a horrible marriage but felt no way out of it and the timing was bad in that they met someone who really could be their soul mate when they were still entrapped in a horrible marriage. people like this usually really hate that they cheated, never imagined they would be doing it, and never want to do it again. If you and your boyfriend are in this second category then I think the odds of him cheating again are low, because the experience of being in an affair was so awful that no one wants to do that again. obviously he didn't want to continue the affair that's why he divorced, as did you, so he could be with you for real in an open and honest relationship. there are affairs that lead to wonderful second-marriages that are far healthier and more fulfilling than the first ones. basically the first marriages were a catastrophic mistake, a learning experience. I don't see why so many people just can't seem to accept this concept and believe you're doomed to repeat the cycle.I believe that if you grow from that experience and learn from your mistakes, you can have a healthy second relationship.People don't have affairs for no reason. If their marriages were fulfilling and happy, they would not have fallen for anyone else or felt OK with betraying and keeping secrets from their spouse.The reason your guy got with you into an affair is because he didn't love his (ex) wife. the two of them obviously had huge problems in their relationship that's why he felt no loyalty to it. And same for you probably.But, you two did an extraordinary thing which is you became honest and left your crappy marriages. Most people who have affairs would be too scared to be honest enough to leave their spouses no matter how loveless the marriage is. giving the excuse of "for the kids" or other crap like that.So, your guy - like you - was honest and brave enough to confront the reality of his crappy marriage and say it should end, because he doesn't love his wife.Now that you and him are together in an open relationship, work at your relationship-building skills. Make a policy that you will be honest and talk about problems or doubts about the relationship early on, and not hide them. Because hiding deep relationship problems while remaining married is what paves the way for affairs to start because the relationship has already ended in the heart, but not been made known publicly or even to the other spouse.Tell your boyfriend that you know both of you are capable of lying and covering up. But, you will not do this in this new relationship because you want to stay loyal to each other or else to let each other go if it's not working out.if you are a 'better' partner to him than his wife was, and vice versa for you, then hopefully you two will want to stay loyal to each other or respect each other enough to break up with each other instead of cheat.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 January 2011):
You have now struck the single biggest problem that relationships that basically start as affairs have.
Thing is, when you were both married and seeing each other quietly, neither of you got to know each other properly. All you saw were the 'good' things, if you like.
Here you are now, and you have to accept that bad with the good. And, let's face it, you're already struggling to accept the 'bad', because you know what it means.
What is it that you're insecure and jealous of? Is it that you see him behaving the same way as he was before when he was a cheat, and therefore he might cheat again? Is it that you've never seen this side of him? Is it that you've seen this side of him, but you're hoping he will change?
He is EXACTLY the same man as before. What you're doing isn't comparing him, you're comparing the situation. It's not him who has changed, it's the situation. He was a cheat before, and ultimately that side will always be there.
How do you fix this? To be honest, I don't know. I've never heard of a relationship that started as an affair ending in happiness. There are a few, clearly, but not many.
I'm afraid ultimately it's about accepting who he is, and giving it time if you're serious. And if you find yourself still comparing, then you'll know that you've made a mistake. All you can do is try to accept him for who he is.
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