A
female
age
30-35,
*ink_daisy
writes:Ok there's a million things leading up to this, but here's what happened today: Tomorrow is the 6 anniversary of someone very close to me dying. This morning I texted my boyfriend to talk to him about it. I was feeling positive about it, and wanted to talk cause I knew he'd like the positive-ness. However, once I mentioned my dead relative, his first response was along the lines of, "Why aren't you over this already?" This comment I took as offensive because it's very common to have feelings of sadness around the anniversary of the death of a loved one, and I was also offended that he just assumed I was being negative and went negative himself. I told him I just wanted him to be a friend and listen and talk to me and it still got very out of hand. I love him so much and have very conflicting feelings. On the one hand I feel bad that I'm obviously so negative and sad so often that he ASSUMED my text was negative. Yet at the same time, I'm mad that he just wouldn't be there for me when I needed it. And the less he seems to care about stuff, the more crazy I get, like feeling so hopeless I want to kill myself or just do anything crazy and reckless I can possibly do.So I'm not asking to be told we should break up. I'm just asking advice on how to have more patience, think more rationally, etc.
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female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (4 February 2011):
Grief at anniversaries of deaths is very normal. So I think your bf was being insensitive in how he acted.
On the other hand, being negative and sad a lot of the time, is not necessarily normal or a good thing. Neither is wanting to kill yourself or do reckless crazy things in response to being upset with your bf.
If you want to have more patience and think more rationally, next time you are upset or negative, don't necessarily go to anyone else. If your bf will not be supportive and is getting fed up with your negativity, it will only make things worse. Instead, try to think about where those negative feelings are coming from. Try to think about whether it really does make sense, or whether something else that is more rational would be more likely to be true/happen. It might help to write those things down. Write down what triggered the negative thought (including where you were, what you ate, the weather, etc.). Then think of positives as you try to work through the negative feeling/thought.
Without knowing why are you negative or what you are negative about, it's hard to give real advice.
But as an example, if you were negative about your relationship, and based on his reply, you were to think negatively about how he feels about you, you might think about:
- the fact that with text, he might not be able to tell if you are feeling positive or negative
- maybe the wording of what you said still seemed negative
- any recent occurrences that he might be aggravated about
- things he has done recently to show that he does care about you
etc.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): Wow, i feel exactly the same way with my husband. not so much to do with the death of a loved one, but in any aspect of our relationship. The fact is, men see in black and white, women over analyze, and think things are a 'bigger deal' than men do. Unfortunately, this will never change.
Women are very emotional, while men have a very straight forward 'get it done' type attitude. You have to find ways to relate to him, that will get across to him.
Just know, you are not crazy. Though he might want you to think you are. It's all head games in the end. Who ever plays better, has the most control. Period.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (4 February 2011):
 Most people try to bottle up how they truly feel because they feel that those feelings aren't valid or they are inappropriate, but they're not. You can't help how you feel.
I think it to be rude and insensitive of your bf to not be there for you when you want to talk to him about something, especially when it is the anniversary of the death of a loved one. Everyone deals with death in their own way and it sounds like you like to talk about the person, maybe share memories of that person.
Your bf should have been there and he shouldn't have just assumed that you were being negative. I think it's selfish of him to just assume that you should be over this and that he wouldn't talk to you about it.
Did he attempt to talk to you about this like a mature adult? Perhaps he also has somethings to work on in this relationship.
No one can tell you how to think more rationally. When you are facing a difficult decision, weigh your options, make a pro and con list. Count to ten. Don't feel hopeless. Nothing is ever hopeless unless you give up and are unwilling to fight.
Good luck to you and I hope this helps at least a little. :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): Its not crazy of you to want emotional support over your loss!! I understand you may have had other issues but a pertner should be supporting of your grief NO MATTER WHAT ELSE you may have encountered! As for being a "crazy" girlfried, am sure you're not crazy! It may well be that you could benefit from seeing a counsellor to talk through any irrational behaviour you may be displaying - I'm not saying your irrational but your question isn't long enough or detailed enough to give a true insight into whether the main issues are insecurities or real issues - a counsellor would have way more time to be able to listen and advise accordingly. Also talking about things until you're sick about talking about them does help and often allows you to be able to see things more clearly and from another perspective.It may also benefit your relationship to attend counselling sessions with your partner so he can also see things from another perspective - it may give him a deeper understanding to how you're feeling and make him realise that you just need his support.If you are struggling with negative thoughts, read a self help book on how to be more positive and also how to deal with your emotions. Reckless behaviour will not help you, as for having thoughts of harming yourself you don't want to feel like that and you may need help from your doctor to regulate your mood.Lastly I just wanted to say I have felt EVERYTHING you have mentioned above, usually I will be very happy and things will be fine then my boyfriend will seem like he's distant (in my head) or I will have a bad day and my mood will crash! I urge you to talk to someone and occupy your time seeing friends/excercising/reading/listening to music to try and banish negative thoughts.Hang on in there, you're not crazy!
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A
female
reader, ailemaaax  +, writes (4 February 2011):
I don't have any advice for how to be more patient, it's something I struggle with myself.
But... You're not the one who's in the wrong here. Just saying.
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