A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:After you have been burned by someone, how do you stop from becoming bitter and cynical about love?I still feel my heart becoming harder. And anger and frustration dampening my hope and enthusiasm so that I do not believe in love anymore.What to do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the time you put into your answers and for your insight. It's really appreciated.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 September 2011):
 Well, you try to use logic, even if it's not so easy in matters of the heart :).
What I mean, you have supposedly been burned once, or twice, but hopefully not dozens of times.
So , if you had gotten food poisoning, woould you stop believing in food, stop eating and let yourself die of starvation ? No ,right ? You'd just be more careful about your food purchases.
If you had unjustly been fired by a mean boss, would you stop believing in work and start living of scams and expedients ? Hopefully not.
You had one, - or few- bad experience, they reflect a part of reality but not your whole, immutable, reality. You try to learn something from that experience , - and to see if and how somehow you may have contributed to your "burning " ( like, by being naive or gullible, giving too many second chances, not listening to your intuition , saying yes when you meant no, etc. etc. ) and - you just move on to bigger and better things, with the precious gift of what you have learned from this mistake.
It takes time, though. Be patient with yourself.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 September 2011):
 You know, to be honest, the old and seemingly-worn-out axiom that seems to be the most relevant in a jaded and disillusioned heart is this:
Attitude is everything.
Think about how you are when the subject isn't love. Would you say that you're an optimist or a pessimist? Would you say that you tend to hold grudges, or do you let things go? Do you tend to criticize things (like at work, or politics, etc.), or do you think of a situation and see solutions??
The main thing is to try and see the good of any situation, even tough ones in terms of love. It's extremely hard, because all you can think of is your own pain and anger at what happened to you.
Instead, look at love's failures as an opportunity to become better. Better at choosing qualities you want to see in a romantic partner, qualities you need to improve in yourself. Look at the time alone as time to better yourself rather than to wallow in self-pity.
See the good in a bad situation. If your girlfriend cheated on you, maybe instead of fury at her and a vow never to let another girl close as long as you live, think of it as this girlfriend who cheated actually did you a favor...because she showed you her true nature and you were able to do something about it. Maybe if she hadn't hurt you, you wouldn't have ever met your potential woman of your dreams.
Also, you have to understand which thoughts you are have rational and which are your wounded ego demanding satisfaction. An ego *can* heal, even without "resolution". You must learn the fine art of moving on and extracting knowledge from what's happened.
Finally, what one girl does isn't what another would do. You aren't harming anyone by becoming bitter but yourself. If you get hardened and bitter and disillusioned, then whoever or whatever hurt you has had its final victory over you. If a woman cheated on you or hurt you, your freezing and hardening up and getting bitter is that woman's final injustice on you. You can't let that happen. If you watch boxing, you know that the one who stays on the canvass is the loser. You've been hit really hard by life and love. You gonna stay down and get counted out??
I don't know...you seem to have a bit more fight than that. Don't let anyone or anything steal your ability to love.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (27 September 2011):
 you just have to keep remembering that not all women(?) are the same. yes there are some utterly rotten people in the world who will delight in f***ing you over.... there are also some gems who will love you and give you everything you are looking for. and there is everyone else in between. just keep looking for the good ones, learn to spot early on when you have met a bad one. get your self esteem into shape so that you are not so desperate to believe in the liars and cheats you might meet in the future. i bought an excellent book once called 'how to spot a dangerous man before you get involved' by sandra L brown. there is no reason you could not read this book and just apply the info to women! (it would have been better to call the book 'how to spot dangerous people'!) 'dangerous' does not mean just physically ie those partners that will beat you up, it deals with the traits of emotional predators and financial scammers, mental disorders, addicts. basically all the members of society that you would run a mile to get away from if only they had their real title printed on a t-shirt that they wear on the first date with you. as we all know, everyone we meet romantically is on their best behaviour at first until they have us hooked and then the real ugly self starts to emerge!
i am in the same boat as you. after a career in meeting unsuitable men, my last relationship with a liar ended months ago and i have no intention of getting into another. i hope i that one day i will WANT to get with someone else, but at the moment i am definitely not interested!
good luck
x
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A
female
reader, bernergirl +, writes (27 September 2011):
 Gosh, wouldn't it be nice if we could just take a pill. And poof you don't even remember. There are some pills out there that can help you get through panick attack and sleeping. It does help...a lot so talk to a doctor, that will at least treat your symptoms.Look you are hurt, I wouldn't say you are bitter. But a good ratio is. When it takes 1/2 of the relationship to really get back to one self. So if you were with her for 4 years, chances are then 2 years you should be starting to open up more (up till then its a roller coaster) you need to stay busy, join a class, gym, anything that takes your mind off of it for a while. I would say don't forget to talk about it. This is tough for men than atleast I've see for women. Tell the waiter, the mailman (trust me they will get sick of you!) But talk again and I will tell you why, there will be a time you run into one another again. Either you will duck out of there and blame yourself and start the grieving all over again. If you confront her, you will realize you are over it and then she will ask to talk to you (Say NO) and then the third thing is, every thing you have ever wanted to say about her, keep it at a low tone (even when she gets deffensive, let her say her piece with out a word) then go for the kill. You hit her with the laundry list of things she did. As if you were Perry Mason and by the end hit her with the biggest issue and say that's why I'm not with you and why I am in love (even if not in love with anyone, she does not need to know) and explain why this girl is an upgrade! Then as easily as you came in here is your exit strategy all cool and calm and walk out. Remember to not get into a shouting match, you both lose and look like a bunch of looney people.You need closure. Write it in a letter and just write and write and mail it to her. You will be a little anxious but after its sent you will feel the bitterness start to break a little. I hope this helps....keep in touch
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (27 September 2011):
 I think you need to give yourself a bit more time to get over whatever wrong your latest love did to you.
Half the battle you are facing is realizing you are becoming bitter and by coming here and at least expressing that you are become hard of heart is half the battle.
I think part of it is just the normal process of getting over someone you truly loved. I remember my first love breaking my heart and I felt horrible and discouraged as well -- but life does go on and eventually YOU will meet someone who will consistently make you feel special.
Millions of people have found love and some is fleeting, others find it for the rest of their lives with someone special. Realize that it isn't easy and finding someone is a tricky and often painful process.
It is my hope that you look back at the positive experiences that you had with former love(s) and realize that someone out there is waiting for you. While it won't be magical and fun-filled all the time, there are many rewards to having found love. Its just a matter of time until you find that person who will also accept you for who you are and will be willing to work just as hard for you as you are for them. Hang in there and be strong.
Good luck.
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