A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my married lover for 3 years. Over the years he has hurt me terribly and blamed it on 'being weak'. He has lied through his back teeth and it has gotten to the point were I'm struggling with everything he says.I am madly inlove with him, I have had 3 serious relationships before now but none have compared to this man. Despite how I feel about him I want to escape. Asmuh as I love him I cannot believe anything he says. I know he doesn't sleep with his wife because he has my name tattoo'ed on an intimate part of his body, but its the other lies that have driven me away. For instance I will find out about his family holidays literally days before and he will say he had no idea as his wife booked it last minute. This I do not believe, I've grown to seriously resent him and I'm finding myself very angry and frustrated all the time mainly with myself for getting into this mess.I realise I have to work hard to break this off but I'm truly scared to go it alone as I have no close family or friends.I feel very lonely when he's not around because I don't have anyone else at all.How do I start to gather some self respect and finnally break all ties? This man is seriously hard to let go of as he is VERY pushy, just today I've had 50 txts begging me not to leave, 10 emails and he's also knocked twice- I was out and my neighbour told me he'd been.I'm feeling so weak when I think about how lonely life is about to become.Sorry for the ramble but I'm in seriou need of help.
View related questions:
neighbour, tattoo Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (17 July 2011):
 Hello, The female anon is right, I feel sure I remember a similar post about this a while back.
Like I say, you need to make a decision that you will leave and then stick to it. Never doubt your decision. All the pain leaving is much less than the pain of staying. I mean, he sends 50 texts begging you to stay! Iron Will is what you need. We can give you all the advice you need, but, you are the one that needs to make the decision.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2011): Hi, i recall you asking this question some time ago. I can only suggest you follow some of the very good advice you have already been given here. You have to WANT to refuse to see him, but you don't really seem very keen on doing that. It might be that you need to seek a class in confidence building or assertiveness.
Bottom line. There is no 'soft option'. Either you want to dump him or you don't. If you want to dump him, you just tell him that and ignore him. Then find other things to do with your time while you learn to move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2011): learn to be more independent - go out and do new things, meet new people. you have to realize that if you've been in a secret relationship with a married man and it's been going on for 3 years then by default of course he's a liar. It should come as no surprise to you that he lies, because he's been living a double life for 3 years so obviously he's figured out how to do it.getting upset that you don't know when he's going on his family holidays? that's absurd. you're his secret mistress of course you have no right to know when he's spending time with his family. They are his family, you're not supposed to even be in the picture so you have no right to complain that you don't know when he goes on family vacations.This is why it's such a crappy situation to be in. this is why it's a bad idea to be involved with a married man.you need to cut off all contact with him. you do not love him, you're just emotionally dependent on him because you have no one else in your life and you have low self confidence.you can't love someone if you're feeling so hurt multiple times at their lies and betrayals of your trust. What you feel for him is NOT love. It's clinginess, because your reality is that either you're with him or you're alone, and of the two, being alone feels worse. but you can break out of this cycle, if you start being more independent and meeting new peopel and getting involved in new activities.
...............................
A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (16 July 2011):
 I personally never understand why women stay with married men. It's so degrading!
You no what you have to do you MUST MUST MUST break it off with this guy. He doesn't respect you, he doesn't love you, you are just a convenience for him.
Block him from from your phone and e-mail to deal with the texts and emails and do not answer your door until you know it's not him.
Join a gym and take some classes in things that interest you to keep busy and make some friends.
When you think about it your life is already lonely because you are spending it waiting round for him to be there for you. If you can shoulder that kind of loneliess being without him will not be hard.
Go for it girl get rid of him and start living, be free and happy. You derserve it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2011): The only person that can help you is yourself. Get out of that relationship, it's going nowhere, getting with a married man to start with is wrong, no once have you mentioned how wrong you were to get in a relationship with a married man so you do not care about the people that you are hurting!! He will never leave his wife because it's been 3 years now and he is still there, change your number, block him from sending you emails and change your email address, you can get out but you are not putting in any effort you are making excuses. You will be just fine without him in your life, go meet someone that will treat you better that is not married or in a relationship someone who will put you first because well your with him you will never come first. Come on you knew you was doing the wrong thing years ago when you got with him, by letting it go on for this long you have only made it harder on yourself. The only way forward here is for you to finish this with him but I don't think you will, you haven't yet, you need to get strong!!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2011): think how hard he'd have to work to find another bit on side..it's not easy no wonder he's so desperate, the question is why are you?
So even if you love this man, are you content with the rest of your life being second best? even if he leaves his wife, you know he's a cheat what will that do for you down the line when he gets tired of you?
and it's not hard, block his number and if he comes around phone his wife.
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (16 July 2011):
 I really feel for you. The truth is you have to regain control of your life. You can do it in small steps if it's easier or the big break if that works better for you.
In the end you know you have to call it a day for your own self respect. If you stay with him you will forever be the doormat. You are worth so much more than that.
These toxic relationships use people up. People believe there can be know life after but that isn't true. You just can't see it yet.
...............................
A
female
reader, Fate100percent +, writes (16 July 2011):
Affairs can seem very exciting, but trust me, if you got together as couple it would not be like it is now.
You are worth so much more than this, find someone who doesn't have a family/wife and can give you all you deserve and need. Could you even ever trust him if he got with you permanently? Really?
Do you work? Do you have work colleagues to go out with? Hobbies that you meet other people? You need to get used to being happy alone, and filling your time with things that don't involve him. You can do it, be strong :-)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2011): You're putting the cart before the horse here. You don't wait until you have self respect before doing the right thing, any more than a fat person would wait to miraculously be thin before they started eating right and exercising. Doing the right thing is what will give you self respect. You don't love this man, I'll wager, but are dependent upon him. The solution then is simple. Learn to be independent. Join a gym, enroll in a class, sign up for volunteer work. That will give you something useful to do that you can be proud of while giving you a chance to make new friends. The more you have going on in your own life and the more you can reach out to help others, the less and less time or energy you'll have for your married friend.And as another wise uncle here pointed out (in another post), etching your name in his privates doesn't prove he doesn't have sex with his wife. He could easily have sex with her in the dark.
...............................
|
