A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I posted on here before and got some really helpful answers, so I'm back again!My partner and I split up in March last year (he left and at the time I was unwell, which was really hurtful). Since then we've been sort of 'on/off' and were rebuilding a nice friendship, or so I thought!He had been doing stuff like being really supportive, saying he enjoyed meeting up with me and he gave me a lovely Christmas card saying what great memories he had etc, then on Valentine Day a card saying 'I love you' etc ..I continued to play it cool however, given that he had walked out on me last year ... and I went through a hard time as I was having health problems at that time too (this is more stable now, so far).Then, after the Valentine weekend, he started ignoring me, then when I asked him what was wrong, he sent a very nasty email saying that he didn't agree with the way my daughter and I train our dogs (we have two huskies and we train them as we've been advised to by a very good dog trainer, who is one of the top dog trainers in the UK). I was angry when I got his email and this time i stuck up to him and said some strong things back to him (previously he would always shout and swear and call me a 'bitch' etc ... and i would get upset but this time i actually really stood my ground)My friends have said various things, including the theory that he was jealous of the dog (he is a jealous person) and that he felt less in control of the relationship this time around (previously i was much more submissive to him but after he walked out on me when i was unwell i became tougher, so as we started rebuilding our connection, i was stronger and it wasn't all on his terms anymore)Anyhow, we haven't seen each other for a few weeks (we were seeing each other every week before this happened, even if it was just to meet up, chat and walk the dogs etc) .. and we have been speaking on the phone a lot but he is refusing to meet to discuss the problem .. Also, he knew that after we split up, I joined a dating site and met a couple of people .. I didn't sleep with anyone else but went on a couple of dates and stayed in touch by email and phone with one of the guys .. He has mentioned a couple of times about me being on the dating site and if i say anything back to him about it, it seems to inflame him and provoke him to tell me hates me and will never speak to me again ... His behaviour is erratic and upsetting ... he is still quite damaged re his divorce and is bitter about the fact that his ex wife got half the house and pension .. (i met him 6 yrs ago and at that time he and his wife were estranged and she was seeing a new guy, who she is still with .. but the divorce did not get finalised until 3 yrs ago because they couldn't agree on stuff .. so I supported him through 3 yrs of his divorce, which was very stressful)Yesterday he said to me that he will change his mobile number soon and not tell me .. .he knows this sort of thing upsets me .. but he seems cold and angry now .. but then on other days he seems more affectionate .. Does anyone have any thoughts/ideas reading this from the 'outside perspective' ?? It feels really strange, like one minute he wanted to come back, then suddenly he has gone cold ... I must admit i didnt want him back properly but was more interested in a 'friends with benefits and let's see how it goes' type thing ... whereas before we had a serious committed relationship .. This has left me feeling very upset .. it's painful and I can't quite work out what to do about it all ... Any suggestions/comments would be gratefully appreciated. Thanks :) x
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christmas, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, jealous, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): This guy sounds really troubled, and I would never want to be with a man who hurls such abuse and abusive name calling.
I understand that after having gone through his divorce with him that you feel you gave blood sweat and tears, and now he owes you the relationship you always wanted.
The trouble with that is, he isn't capable of giving it to you. And why you would want to settle for a friends with benefits see how it goes thing is rather self defeating behavior on your part. So you need to own your part in this on again off again relationship.
Let me ask you, why would you choose this for yourself? He simply is not worth your health, your stress, your nerves, your time, your patience or your love.
You may have very deep feelings of love for this person and that is what makes you hang in there. But there comes a point when hanging in for things to change will suck the life right out of you.
This man may even have a personality disorder, and that is one of the reasons his wife left him for someone else, perhaps his turbulent emotional life was much too much for her to bear as well. I mean a good indication is that his divorce took 3 years because they couldn't agree on stuff....he is addicted to drama! The minute things get back on an even keel, he flips back to guess what, more drama! Do you want to live the rest of your life this way?
It seems that you have had some success with on line dating, so congratulations with that. Surely you can see that there are some other, more healthy men out there who would love to meet a good woman like you.
I think for your own sanity as hard as it is, you need to say good bye to this man forever and change your email, your phone number and tell him to have a nice life.
He doesn't get to tell you how to do anything, how to feel, or even what to say any more. You're done.
Take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): honestly, i kow where your coming from. me and my ex boyfriend dated on and off for years! all it does is cause your heart to break and have to heal over and over again. its not workth it. as much as you may like him, the amound of hurt you will and have gone through is not worth it. if he cant make up his mind then hes not good enough.
good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): Yeah I have thoughts on this.
He does not have the skills to be in a healthy, open honest relationship. When it is his time to produce a healthy response or demonstrate a sense of security by supporting your endeavours with encouragement to do what makes you happy.
I have been with an up down man before and they are not worth it. You are not doing the world or him and especially yourself a favor by trying to love a man who pushes it away, or calls your love poo poo. There are a lot of men out there who value love and you're just the right gal for them.
I say get out. Life is too short.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): Why dont you concentrate your efforts on the other guys you are dating. Let him go. He knows you love him and if its not enough find someone that can love & support you. When you needed him the most he failed you, why do you continue to be a sucker for punishment?
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A
female
reader, minnie_me  +, writes (3 April 2009):
wel i hvae been in your persition and it is very painful i no. But it seems like ur ex or watever he is isnt really interested in you all he wants to do is use you and upset you. If i was you i would try and forget about him (i no this is a really hard thing to do) but it might be for the best. after awhile he will realize that you cnnot be bothered with the childish person which he is being. After time if he comes back to you and asks to be frends then that is totally up to you but you dont want to show him that your hurting at the moment.
Good luck with everything!
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