A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How does a woman show a man shes worth having a relationship with, ive been on quite a few dates with a guy but he said he wants to sort himself out a job , own place then maybe a relationship with someone. The words he used were someone he didnt say me . I know hes probably going on dates with other women but id like to give things a go with him he knows this but he said hes a complicated guy and not sure what hes wanting. Any ideas ? i know some people will say get rid of him but personally id like to give him a chance Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2019):
Just find somebody uncomplicated. He obviously does not want to be involved in any real relationship, you are wasting precious time and energy on a non runner.
Be more assertive, either he wants to have a go or not. I would move onwards and upwards into the arms of someone who knows what they want out of life and who knows who they want to share it with.
A
female
reader, MSA  +, writes (18 February 2019):
 WHY do you even think you need to show a man you are worthy of being in a relationship with???? WHY?On the contrary, HE should be the one showing you that he is worthy of your time and worthy of your choice to be with!Woman, take more pride in yourself and love yourself more! It's OK to not be in a relationship. You may fancy many men, but if they don't reciprocate.. leave them alone. The right man will come along!Enjoy your casual dates, have a great time! Love will come when you least expect it! Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (17 February 2019):
 What do you mean YOU would like to give him a chance?
I don’t think it sounds like he is interested in you at all tbh. You’ve been on a few dates and he’s already giving you a load of crap saying he’s a complicated guy blah blah. That’s definitely a way of he’s saying he doesn’t see you as a potential partner.
Don’t waste your time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2019): Ok OP here. thought id give an update.He said he wants to sort his job which he started today and then he said he only said what he said because he didnt want to feel a burden on me ( i give him lifts a few times if im free because his car failed mot. ) and wanted to protect himself emotionally . believe me im not desperate and yes i do give people a chance i always look for the good in people. He hasnt been in a too good place but things are going well and hes doing so much better.He hasnt been dating other people his family and friends know / met me . He was just protecting himself
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2019): Oh my dear, don't allow desperation to force you to sink below your dignity! You don't allow yourself to submit to any man by begging for his approval or acceptance. It's not a matter of your worthiness; its a matter of compatibility and mutual-attraction. He gave you red-flags to boot! He needs a job, and you suspect he's dating other women.
Liking someone doesn't give you any right to place dibs on anyone. You can't impose your feelings or control over them.
If you have to convince someone why they should want you; then they must not want you. Truthfully, that's not something up for debate or negotiation. Either they want you, or they don't. In fact, if they come to you willingly and without any effort to persuade them; you've got them by the heart, and all you have to do from there is let nature take its course. Keeping your eyes open for red-flags and signs of incompatibility.
The guy's not into you; and he's no prize on top of that. Too often women hit her 40's, and immediately starts to devalue or depreciate herself; like she's a used-car, or a piece of property in a bad neighborhood.
That's totally cynical, self-abasing, and having a really low opinion of yourself. You've developed an even lesser opinion of men. Like no man can possibly be decent enough to see a woman for what she's worth; and know a good woman when he sees one. Those who can't see that don't deserve one; or he's not interested in that particular woman.
If you don't know your self-worth you'll hand your heart over to anybody. Deserving of you or not. Seriously?!! A few dates and you've allowed him to have that much power? He gets to decide if you're worthy??? Only God Himself deserves that much honor and esteem!
You're not ready for dating until you do something about boosting your self-esteem and extinguishing your desperation.
You're not ready for a relationship until your head is in the right place; and you know your own worth, and won't fall prey to an abuser, player, or scammer.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (16 February 2019):
 It takes two to get into a relationship. When this guy tells you he doesn't want a relationship with you (which is what he is saying in a roundabout woffly way), listen to him and believe him. He has a say in this as well, regardless of his reasons.
Find someone who will not need any convincing. You deserve better.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 February 2019):
 What is a guy doing out there looking for women but not ready for a relationship? He is probably looking for free sex with women who are too easy, desperate or demanding nothing. A man would never admit to that. He never said he is going on dates with other women. You were just assuming. Maybe few dates here and there, going nowhere is exactly what he wants. He wants to believe that he still has a prospect, up until there's a joint decision to make it go further. To make himself sound less sleazy of a man, he gave you lame excuse of not knowing what he wants. Had he had just stopped at admitting that he's a loser and left it there, you would have an easier time dropping him. I think the thought of having competition played tricks in your mind. Making you think you may lose out to other women if you didn't try harder. You know your own self worth, and you don't need to prove it to other people. And you know you are worth much more than what this guy can offer you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 February 2019):
 You'd like to give him a chance ? Why ?, when he made such an excellent case for not giving him any chance. He's got no job, no own place to live, and he does not know what he wants. He is also dating other women, and, while some times there's bound to be some competition for a love object… if you have to compete with other women, at least there has to be a prize worth the effort , and he sounds like not much of a prize. "I don't care, I like him anyway " ,you will say. Sure, but- IMO, he does not feel the same. I think he is giving you his version of " it's not you, it's me "- letting you down easy , rather than being frank and telling you: sorry, no dice. That's just my impression, I feel that his " not wanting a relationship at the moment " probably means ,as usual ," I don't want a relationship with you "- but even if I am wrong, it does not make much difference. For whatever reason, he is still not interested in a relationship, still not emotionally available, his head and heart are still somewhere else. Why would you twist his arm , so speak, to make him love you ( admitting that's possible ? ) If you have to push hard to convince him, that you are good enough for him- then you can bet that HE is not good enough for you. Because what you deserve is someone who can appreciate you and cherish you without too much of a hard sale.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 February 2019):
 I wouldn't bother, OP
I think this is his way of saying he isn't INTERESTED in something serious WITH YOU.
If he WAS really interested in dating YOU and not "someone" he wouldn't start mentioning goals or parameters for his life. He would just get on with life & you.
While I agree that he really SHOULD have a job and sort out a place of his own before jumping into dating seriously, I think he jumped the gun and that seems rather counter-intuitive.
But you can waste more of your time on this guy, if you so desire. I do think it would be wasted time.
You might like the guy. but he isn't as into you as you are into him. And if he is also dating other women... what's the point, really? If he is seeing more women than you, then YOU aren't the one for him. You are just entertainment until he FIND that "someone".
Sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2019): But you’ve already shown him all he needs to know to make a decision. And yes he’s already made a decision, he is not ready to date. We don’t know the real reason why (maybe he doesn’t find you attractive, maybe it’s because he’s preoccupied with life) but try to think in big picture terms without getting stuck on the details: he doesn’t want to date you. Move on. You might think you can change his mind, but you can’t make someone do anything. So live your own life. Date others. Go about with your own hobbies and interests without him. If it helps, know that by moving on, he MAY (slight chance so don’t count on it) show interest again. But I guarantee you that by hanging around and trying to change his mind, he’ll be more turned off or just decide to use you (depending on the guy he is).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2019): Yes it does sound as if you'd like to give him a chance, but the trouble is it doesn't sound as if he wants to give you a chance. Sorry to sound blunt, but I think you're being a bit blinkered here. When someone tells you that they are not ready for a relationship with you, for whatever reason, then it's a really good idea to listen to that. He's being kind and letting you know in a nice way that he doesn't see you as a girlfriend. Maybe a friend, but not someone that he wants to become intimate with. But you are persisting in pursuing him because it's what YOU want, without heeding what he's trying to tell you.If a man you had gone on a few dates with, liked you more than you liked him and you tried to let him down gently, but he persisted in pursuing you in a romantic way, how would you feel about that?To say to you that he's 'not sure what he wants yet', is a nice way of saying 'it's not you'. I would back off and see what happens. If there's a chance at all that he might change his mind, I would say that letting him miss you is the best way to let him sort out his feelings. But I wouldn't hold my breath.
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